AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

But in this instance, she has perfomatively cried and you want to double punish your DD1 and reward your DD2. How will she not associate her crying with her getting the results she wants?

Your DD2's behaviour is much more unkind and worrysome than your DD1s.

Surely the logical consequence here is to talk to older DD about not being fair and, next time, the younger one gets to help herself to food first? If DD1 isn't fair, she has to wait for DD2 to take her share.

This doesn't sound like normal behaviour for a 12 year old though.

And will you continue trying to break your DD1’s personality by making her feel greedy and selfish?

If it does then two things are possible. Either she will want to be liked by people who are incapable of seeing her good points so she changes herself or she realises that being ‘selfish’ isn’t the kiss of death for most people think and she will find people who ‘get’ her.

And that’s the issue - you can’t make someone be ‘naturally considerate’.

It's so clear isn't it?
My brother used to do it to me so I recognise it, it was mean/selfish/greedy of him, and I'd cry more out of anger really.
Not the end of the world but he did need to be told/watched to stop him doing it repeatedly.
Rest assured he's a perfectly decent 52yr old now!

Please elaborate. And bear in mind I don’t have siblings

This personality trait might actually affect her friendships and interactions going forward, so if someone is not naturally considerate to others, then maybe it is the parent's role to teach them how to be.

So what is your conclusion? Are you going to continue trying to stop her being ‘selfish’ while being passive about your other daughter (because she potentially could get a lot of stick at senior school because kids pick up on things like that!).

That's exactly what I'm seeing.

Hmmm, but in this case it's clear that this child has learned that turning on the waterworks serves her well. Yes, some people may cry more than others, but they don't do it as a public performance unless they're using it to manipulate.

I think you are massively projecting here, to be honest.

Yes and OP is trying to break that personality trait, which ultimately will affect her self esteem.

She will pick up that she has inherited a trait from her mother that her mother has complex issues about.

Surely two siblings can sort things out between them?

IMO, some people need to put aside the fact that this incident involved food, because OP's older daughter having a greater appetite isn't what bothered the OP. It's the fact that she took something for herself that was intended for her sister. She knew it was for her sister and had said that she would share it sensibly.

Pretend, for a moment, that this was not thirty edamame pods, but thirty pound coins, and it had been agreed to be split reasonably (so 15 pounds each, or maybe even a tad more for the older sister - 18 to 12, perhaps.)

The OP's problem isn't that her daughter wanted to eat, it was that she ate things that weren't for her.

Isn’t it possible for the dynamic between siblings to be one perceived ‘black sheep’ and one ‘vulnerable little one’.

I am not being obtuse - what do you expect people to say when you admit it has been entertaining?

Other than getting her to be nicer to her sister (and getting your younger one not to be dramatic), you can’t change what she is, however much you would all like to.

Dont be surprised if she starts to hide things from you as she gets older. The (perhaps incorrect) perception I am getting is that she plays second fiddle to her sister. I am only basing this on reading between the lines (and my AUDHD mind)

You do realise that some people cry more easily than others - my teenage son does, for example (much to his occasional embarrassment), while my daughter does not. He is working on it, but sometimes tears are a natural bodily response to whatever is happening and not a sign of manipulation.

You know that you'll be mentioned forever more as the women who only gave her kids a pot of peas to share for every meal or some such right? 😂

Adults who can’t gauge what a “fair share” is from a communal meal, and don’t leave enough for their friends are really annoying. At 12 she needs to learn this skill fast so it doesn’t become a problem when she’s a teenager or young adult and eating with friends.
I’m not sure that punishing someone days after the fact is very effective, but she should learn to be a bit more considerate to those around her.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta

That's not quite a fair assessment. The OP has made it clear that she posted because she wanted real feedback, but also knew that there would be people who misread/misunderstood what she wrote and would say ridiculous things. She posted for feedback but was aware that some people would say idiotic things as well and that is what has given her a laugh.