AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

My friend grew up as part of a large family with very little money. He said when the bread was put on the table they would all spit on as many slices as possible so that the others wouldn’t eat it !! They only did this when their parents weren’t there, apparently it was very effective.

Food issues ? Or greedy & selfish ?

Surely your 12 yo uses her pocket money to buy that side dish for her sister. Is it something the 11yo would enjoy on its own/ as a snack?

If you have this take away fairly frequently, then surely the fairest thing to do is to tell DD12 that next time, DD11 will be having all of the side. If this isn’t going to happen soon enough, ask your DD’s what they think should happen - DC are usually quite fair, and often far tougher over penalties than you might be!

I agree generally. But OP says this is an ongoing thing, so if you don’t make an attempt to even it out, is the younger child going to think they don’t matter as much? That she and her sister are asked to share, her sister takes more, and oh well, no need to make it up to her. Again and again.

I have got to ask, did you order enough food?

Well is she going through a growth spurt? I was a skinny kid but when I was growing, I was always starving. I remember feeling hungry a lot. Food isn't something to be bullied over. Being labelled as 'greedy' as s child is not kind or helpful. It is just a label that will stay with her as she grows. Perhaps show compassion and find out the cause of the eating?

But no. I wouldn't punish for this. If you are concerned about weight then you need to re-evaluate your role in that as children should not be having takeaways often

Get a grip. Two children from the same family can have different appetites.
Yabu to label her as greedy and punish her.
Maybe give her a bigger portion than her Dsis.
My Dsis always ate more than me, DS eats more than DD.
She will have years of trauma, she’s most likely already aware that her appetite is not the same.
You as a parent should have known better and separated the food. It’s not a new thing.

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly

I think if the children were smaller, this would be a sensible approach. But sharing food with friends and family is an important social skill and a 12 year old needs to learn that skill.

This isn't about hunger. The child herself said she didn't mean to do it - I suppose she was just mindlessly munching while watching the movie.

@SongsOfSongs maybe you should have more structured mealtimes where the family interact with each other more - rather than eating in front of the telly?

This is what I do

they learn very quickly how to be equal /share /fair

and yes 12yr should give up her treat money to sister

tho as someone else Pointes out - how did she manage to eat 28 of 30 in a few mins and no one noticed

what was the dish ?

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly but giving and witholding food should never be part of a punishment/reward structure - that's the path to an psyche in which someone associates any hunger sensation as a hit to the self-esteem, and associates eating with a self-esteemr boost, and it doesn't takel ong to bloom to obesity with that mindset because life is stressful.

Use non-food based things instead - who is in charge of what's on the sitting room telly all evening, choosing (from within reasonable options) what to do for a day out and who sits in the car front seat are all much better rewards than food treats, and they can be witheld/awarded to the wronged sibling as a sanction if needed

This is the kind of thing my 5yo tries to do with his 3yo brother - it's not about the food, it's about competitiveness over who gets a bigger share of everything and anything and food is one of the easiest ways to express it. A friend's boys are 10 and 11 and always have to be given exactly the same amount of everything or else there's a fight. I'd just say next time the younger one gets the lion's share and in future stop ordering things to share, or divide it up fairly yourself.

What she did was wrong. But I don't think your punishment is any good. Just split it yourself next time. Also tell her how greedy and selfish she was.

It's not food or eating that's the issue is it. It was failing to share with her sister.

@SongsOfSongs I think your punishment is sensible, and proportionate, and appropriate to the misdemeanor.
Have you asked your DD1 what she thinks she should/could do to make amends?

Surely describing children as greedy is a bit of an issue in itself.

Wouldn't it be better to say you have a hungry child, or a child with higher calorie needs, not a greedy one.

Shaming children around anything to do with food is where issues begin.

I would be very very very wary about your approach to food, shame, monitoring and punishment with 2 teen girls in the house.

No. Next time you get a takeaway, portion it up properly but giving and witholding food should never be part of a punishment/reward structure - that's the path to an psyche in which someone associates any hunger sensation as a hit to the self-esteem, and associates eating with a self-esteemr boost, and it doesn't takel ong to bloom to obesity with that mindset because life is stressful.

Use non-food based things instead - who is in charge of what's on the sitting room telly all evening, choosing (from within reasonable options) what to do for a day out and who sits in the car front seat are all much better rewards than food treats, and they can be witheld/awarded to the wronged sibling as a sanction if needed

I wouldn't get her to buy the treat and give it to her sister, just give the sister the money and she can choose what to buy with it.

I have one greedy child and one not so greedy too.
It's very tricky to navigate without making food even more of an issue.

I'd focus on the fairness angle for now.

I'd also suggest you look at the over eating though. And stick to what you have been doing previously of sharing it out as she can't be trusted to be fair when the full family amount is in front of her.

I’d be very wary of making such a huge deal of a food thing with pre teen girls.

Completely agree. She needs some guidance and help not punishment

No.

You should have dealt with it at the time.

Better, you should have just paused the movie or missed a bit, and insisted on dividing it at the time before they ate it.

It sounds like you know this is an issue so really I think it's on you as the parent. It sounds like your 12 yr old has some issues around food that she needs support with.

I think it's easily done if you're sat watching a film whilst eating, or talking etc. You just don't notice how much you've eaten.
Next time portion the food before everyone starts eating.

You say your DD is greedy - that's not a very nice description. I think you need to have a closer look at her eating - what she is eating, when and how much. Is she getting the right sort of food, is she very active, gone through a growth spurt etc. Or is she overeating, and if so why? Bullying, anxiety, depression etc

I don't think punishyis really the answer here.

What about the poor girl left hungry with hardly any any the food??