AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

oh, it's ok, we can share it reasonably

It was absent minded at best, or selfish at worse.
They both need a lesson in being mindful and sharing, but they both need autonomy and accountability. Bear with me... 🤔

If she has form for this, and is oblivious to who's is who's portion whilst eating (almost mindlessly) I would always get them to divvy up the takeaway/ treat portions and pop them onto completely separate plates /bowls.
As another PP said, one person divide stuff (pizza/takeaway/treats), and the other person choose - a tip as old as time! 🙌

My younger brother (2 years younger) was like this over chocolate and sweets which we only had at weekends. He was like a puppy eating treats, and would gorge on them absent mindlessly (whilst we watched TV), until he had eaten every last one, and was nearly sick. 🍫
Now we both had a big appetite and that was completely normal, but despite there being other food in the house, it was like he had no on/off switch for sweet treats whilst in front of the TV 🤷‍♀️
Mum would have us down water, so that we didn't mistake dehydration for hunger, and then split takeaways and treats in half every time we got them. It became habit forming to share equally and we got used to doing that.
Also eating at the table so we could register the food going in, instead of mindless eating in front of the TV helped massively. 💯
When he got a little older (late teens) he realised he just loved chocolate and would say to me, take whatever you like first and I will eat the rest. So I would never take more than half, and we both never argued over it, as it was a fair distribution, but he took the initiative to share and put me first. 😇

I don't think the issue is the food tbh.
She sounds like she's got a great healthy appetite and if she needs more food, then as my mum would always say if you are still hungry after your share, there is always a sandwich or something we can rustle up In the kitchen. 🥪

The issue sounds like she has form for not considering her sister and her feelings and she has a lack of accountability.
I would also (as a PP pointed out) make sure your youngest feels like she can speak up, and she doesn't have to have an adult intervene for her. 😔

I would keep repeating to your girls that takeaways and treats are a privilege and not a given. Maybe talk about karma? And hone down on being thoughtful and kind.
Your oldest needs to be accountable and feel some discomfort (not punishment) so I would let the youngest choose what takeaway and sides are / or the treats (and not let her be swayed by what sister wants) and also she gets first helpings and sister can wait her turn. 😉

On a side note, I feel for your eldest, as it must be hard being the oldest, as you are expected to set the standard, look after your sibling, have 100% responsibility, but 0% autonomy. 😔
It's tough, as she will have her own wants and preferences, away from her sister, but may feel pushed out, like she has to share everything, almost like a twin.
Do they ever order their own individual chosen meals, so they have their own preference?
Everyone thought me and my younger brother were twins as we did everything together. But we hated being treated as we were exactly the same... we were different. 🙄
My bro loved sweet treats and I loved savoury stuff.
He would get haribos whilst I prefered pringles. He preferred pizza, I preferred Chinese- you get the picture. 🍕

Do they always get the same stuff to share?

We did chores and got pocket money, thus could buy our own treats on a friday evening for movie night (pot noodles, crisps, sweets fizzy pop) and we had to stay within budget, but the choice was ours and the treats were ours alone. 🥰

Do they do any activities together with you, or do they get time with 1-to-1 you individually? 🤔
I would never punish a child where food is concerned, as it will just create terrible issues.
But I would have a consequence for inconsiderate behaviour, as well as trying to address WHY she is being so inconsiderate. 💯

Sorry for the longest post known to man. I hope you haven't got eye strain from reading my above thesis 😆 wishing you all the best. @SongsOfSongs

Is it greedy? Or not being thoughtful and considerate towards her sister? I hate the word greedy all the negativity around food. It should be she didn't consider her sister rather than she ate too much.

get her to give her sister her treat money, write an apology letter and tell her to actually think about the way she treats her sister. If this was someone else treating her sister like the way she does would she consider it bullying or not nice behaviour? Does she think her behaviour is acceptable? You need to be ON her all the time keeping an eye on her behaviour and don’t let anything slip past. The second she’s nasty to her sister you need to act then and there

12 is a vulnerable age, especially for girls around eating, food and body image. Personally, I’d try to avoid shame and punishment when it comes to food.

Focus on the lack of consideration for others rather than labelling it a greedy.

If she has limited self control with food, then that needs to be addressed. You continuing to portion out and modelling that behaviour will help. I still remember my mum making my brother evenly split treats so he didn’t eat them all, though I was pretty vocal about him not sharing 😂

You need to focus more on the way she’s treating her sister and being a loving and caring person towards her. The way she’s going they won’t have much of a relationship when they are older as the eldest is the one who walks over the youngest and clearly given not a shit about her sister! I have no relationship at all with my sister now I’m an adult as she was also allowed to carry on being a selfish, self centred person and enough consequences and management of her awful personality forwards not just me but everyone else frankly wasn’t parented properly and dealt with when she was younger. She walks over people now in her work life, her home life and even out shopping she clearly thinks she’s superior to everyone else! Funnily enough she doesn’t have many at all friends and the ones she does have I think are still friends with her because they are afraid of the fallout from her if they dare speak up!

There's that word again. PORTION. Aaaaagh. Portion. Portion control. Fair share. Greedy. Nom. Polish off. Munch. Dish. Meal. Hungry. Portion apportioning.

Brought to you by Big Prissy PLC.

Agree. Why was DD12 supposed to monitor how many beans her sister was eating??

@SongsOfSongs

Thing is… it’s not as simple as having 1/2 each of every meal.

Appetites differ, how much you want of a particular food item will differ.

Why does everything have to be 50/50?

I have two daughters this would never work.

Not because they are selfish and greedy but because they are different people.

Good lord the amount of people going on about disordered eating, shaming her for being hungry etc seem to have missed the point that this was a SIDE, they both had their own meals to fill them up. This was pure greed, scoffing down the sort of side that very easily disappears quickly, after mum has already mentioned dividing them fairly and the child (who is old enough to know better) had said that she would share them reasonably.

OP I think your plan is okay. I would just say that it should have been discussed at the time. 11 and 12 year olds are old enough to understand delayed consequences and if you’d mentioned it at the time then that would be fine. I do think it would be a bit random to bring it up on Tuesday evening if you hadn’t mentioned it before then.

Mountain out of mole hill. Ridiculous issue and comments diagnosing a 12 year old with binge eating disorder by people based on this. My god seriously people need to take a look at themselves.

Your oldest sounds like she has food issues (is she overweight? Do you see signs that hormones are involved?). No one will be as hated and shunned as an obese person who eats everyone else’s treats; they’ll be the source of future AIBU/CF threads. You want to fix this now, as a parent, by talking to your daughter, getting her the help she needs (IF needed), and if she doesn’t accept help, coming down on her like a ton of bricks AT THE MOMENT - you cannot fear making it clear how unacceptable and selfish this behavior is because you fear creating disordered eating or some other issue. If you’re really afraid of those issues, it’s GP visit time. So no, I don’t think this particular punishment will help.

You might agree with op, but op should note that the vote has more than half of voters saying YABU.

Do you genuinely think DD1 was deliberately and maliciously trying to steal her DSis's share of the food? Or do you think she was just munching away absently-mindedly while watching the film, assuming her sister was doing likewise?

I still have the vibe that DD2 is the manipulative one here. It makes no sense for her to not care enough to say anything (to you or her DSis) or to help herself or put any on her plate, but then to suddenly turn on the waterworks and care so much about it when she spied an opportunity to get her DSis into trouble. I absolutely would NOT be rewarding DD2's behaviour in any way whatsoever.

I think a gentle conversation with DD1 about her sister having missed out and a question as to whether she felt they need a portion each in future is all that is required.

If it is the edamame beans from Wagamama then that would have been all out war in this house!
@SongsOfSongs i completely agree with you and can’t believe the amount of dramatics and projection going on in this thread!

This is not about food or hunger, it’s about sharing and consideration.

If DD had eaten her share of this dish and her whole meal and was still hungry she could easily have a dessert or cheese or toast etc.

I agree with this. Place the importance on her taking more than her share rather than the food and let her come up with how to make it up to her sister. That way she understands consequences better.

I grew up with 3 brothers. They were all like this with each other - it's not the food, it's that they always wanted more than their sibling, gave them a sense of 'winning'. It would also apply to other things, not food. With food mum had to portion it up way into late teens, they just wouldn't share. Even things like cutting up a b'day cake after the candles blown out, they'd lick their fingers and stick it into the piece they thought was biggest so nobody else would want it. Just for the record - there was always lots of other food in the house, just like you.

They are still like it now, except the cake part (ha) this 'one up manship' and they are in their 60's.

No I get the point. It's about the older DD displaying selfish behaviour. Punishing her in the manner the OP is suggesting, over an "incident" of eating too many beans, is completely stupid, imo. If the child already has food issues, how will this help? There are likely better battles to be picked over the selfishness issue than this one, and better ways of dealing with it that the one being suggested by the OP. And she also needs to address why the younger daughter is in tears all the time.

You maintain that then. But don’t wonder why she won’t come for your help when she gets in a sticky situation as a teen.

I think uour consequnce is fine. I do wonder if dd12 was being sneaky saying we can share then knowing fine rightly she was gping to tuck into them

Ita not about being greedy is about being selfish

Jesus Christ op, your behaviour has been controlling and damaging. I am honestly shocked at what I’ve read.

Get your children enough food. Your 12yo is likely going through puberty and hungry as fuck. Girls often need extra weight and food at this stage. My dd puffed up and then grew about a foot - whereupon she looked like a model - over 6ft and very slim.

How the bloody fuck is a confused and stressed teen going to come and confess something to you/ask for help if they think you are going to be petty, controlling and punishing? Their home is supposed to be a sanctuary, not a strict old fashioned school where you get made to feel like shit for a minor and probably accidental infraction.

You need to understand that you cant treat dd1&dd2 like a cohesive blob. They seem extremely different. You are goign to drive a wedge between them if you make dd1 give dd2 a pound from some snack budget. How would you feel if dd1 then went and shoplifted a bar of chocolate following you depriving her of food that she wanted?

you say it’s over selfishness, not food. But in this case, those things are indistinguishable. You think they are distinguishable, but they aren’t. You have made 2 pubescent girls feel shitty about a food issue, in different ways. That was a crazy thing to do. EDs are rife. You need to be actively trying to help your dds avoid them, not fuel them.

You could have handled this better. It is very easy to sit with a shared bowl eating snacks whilst distractedly watching a movie. Your 12yo was enjoying the snack and movie. Your 11yo hadn’t taken any of the snack. This is just the nature of both of them. It’s your responsibility to divide up the food, knowing how they both are.

A child who was born with a faster metabolism than most people, who is heading into puberty and growth spurts will need an enormous amount of food. Just buy more food! It's very hard to think rationally when you are ravenous, so yes she wasn't reasonable, but you need to feed your teenagers the amount of food they need, not the amount you think should be enough.