AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

“ I think she was still eating her sushi, whereas her sister had finished and moved on to the edamame.”

Sorry Op I know you didnt mean it like this but thats a brilliant middle class stealth boast !

I agree with pp who said that learning to share food appropriately is an important skill as you grow up. Across cultures, people share food as a social activity, and anyone who takes more than their fair share risks being ostracised, shamed, or excluded from the group in future.

Also this really doesn’t sound like a question of eating disorders, it’s one sister taking the other’s share. So maybe there is an element of jealousy, bullying, unpleasant behaviour here and in that case I would definitely be thinking about how to make it stop.

@SongsOfSongs have you discussed it with your dd12 since it happened? Could you have that chat (maybe while in the car or something), or if you’ve talked it over, what did she say?

It seems like a war zone in your home, with parents who aren’t helping the situation, refereeing the relationship but not helping resolve the issues.

Both of your children have emotional regulation issues, portrayed differently. Why? What’s going on? Why the war between the siblings? I’d work on separating them when I could to avoid the upset, including separate plates until I worked out wtf is going on?

Why were you in a rush? I thought you’re watching a film..

Is there generally an issue with food in your household? Is DD12 overweight or struggling with food?

If you know one of your kids is prone to taking more than her fair share then YABU to order one side that ought to be shared and expect a fair divide.

I was wondering that as well. However: takeout? Eating whilst watching tv? That’s the kind of situation that would encourage „mindless grazing“ / eating to me (and to many other people). It isn’t surprising that a 12 yo experienced the same imo…!

This seems like a good solution.

So your older child ate 28 pieces while you’re younger child sat and said nothing. I’m not disputing your consequence but speak to your 11 year-old about speaking up. Why did she wait so long? I can’t imagine that happening with me and my sister.

That's not really the point though, is it?

When you only have so much, you share it. You don't say you will then all but scoff the lot.

I'm sure OP will absolutely order more next time, but DD should have known better.

It’s not using food. It’s a consequence of not sharing.

I think you are completely right about the selfish and greediness that you want to stamp out. However, I would try and take the context away from food. It doesn't appear that was your elder DD's motivation, more thoughtlessness and selfishness. I would just try and avoid associating reward or punishment around food, as it can develop into an unhealthy relationship with food and potentially body image. This doesn't seem to be an issue now, in that she is slim and was eating vegetables, but can certainly develop, particularly around teenage years.

Absolutely take your younger DD for a 'treat', that the elder doesn't get. And/or make the elder sacrifice something else that they like. But I personally would try and avoid food being the subject that treat or punishment, could be a toy, book, experience. Or some extra time doing something with you, one on one attention. Anything not edible that either of them like, to give as extra or take away.

The issue is that DD12 had more than her fair share of something, so now loses her share of something else. That it was food doesn't need to matter.

Huh? I find this take on things projecting to the nth degree. Bonkers.

Ok this makes sense. Clearly 1 side wasn’t enough. Order two next time. My 6 yo could easily eat 30 endame pods!!

When my friend had this issue with her two, she said one could divide the food but then the other would get to pick their portion first. You can be sure that everything was divided absolutely equally after that!

I need more info. A tall, sporty 12 yo girl who has started her period is naturally going to eat more (maybe as much as an adult) than a small inactive 11 yo who hasn’t started her period yet. I also need to know what this side was.

I say this as a nurse. And because I was 5ft8 at 12 and played 4 sports but my mum (who was 5ft4 and inactive) expected me to have the same appetite as my petite 4ft 11 sister just because she was only a year younger than me. My mum caused me and my sister to have major food issues for most of my life by her calling me greedy. Incidentally I was the only one who wasn’t obese as an adult.

This isn't really about the food IMO. They were vegetables, lovely and a 'treat' in terms of being part of a takeaway but notsomuch in terms of being something a person might 'lose control' when eating and take too much.

The problem really is DD's selfishness.

I think I'd have a word with her, make it clear that her selfishness is unacceptable and insist that she comes up with an idea to make it up to her sister herself.

I think making her miss out on her midweek school treat could make things worse. She is 12 so still of the age that she could blame her sister for her missing out and then the resentment could just grow and problem persist. Plus I doubt very much the 'treat' would travel home awfully well if DD angrily shoves it into her bag and bashes it about for hours.

If DD12 gets pocket money, I'm sure she can think of something nice to treat DD11 to? Do they read? Like stickers or notepads? A couple of charity shop books won't break DD12's bank, or a few stationery bits?

It's so difficult at this age as they are so overly emotional but it's our job to give them lessons that make them think, rather than make them angry and resentful.

I think the fact that this is food is distracting people away from the issue.

If this was squishys you’d get different responses.

‘DDs were given 30 mini squishys to share. One took 28 ‘without realising’ leaving only 2 for the other. This is a common occurrence with DD12 being thoughtless to her sister. DD12 gets a squishy every Wednesday, AIBU to make her give it to DD11 this week to make it up to her? PS DD12 doesn’t have a squishy addiction!!’

Reframed like this, it’s a perfectly reasonable consequence and considering you have confirmed that the snack wasn’t an unhealthy one and DD12 doesn’t have any weight issues, I think it’s fine!

Gosh. So you'd never trust her again?

It takes time to learn new skills you know.

I always got one of mine to divide and the other to choose their portion first. Food was a big issue for me growing up - fussiness, being forced to eat things I didn’t like etc. Don’t ever use food as a punishment or reward.

You don’t need to ignore “bad” behaviour, you need to handle it far more sensitively when food was the catalyst for what you deem selfishness.

Why have you asked for advice if you steadfastly refuse to take note of the fact that more than half voted YABU?

People who function best in the real world are those that grew up feeling safe and secure. Not judged or punished. You have judged dd1 many times on this thread. You have called her selfish and said she treats her sister badly. And you have proposed punishing her in a petty and irritating way with the £1. I personally would have taken dd1 aside a bit later (privately) and said that look, if you were watching a movie with a mate and you accidentally ate all of the snack, they might be really pissed with you and it might affect the friendship so just watch out if the other person is a bit absent minded or slow eating and hasn’t been eating the snack. With kindness, not with humiliation or shaming or blaming.

Many many years ago, when the only takeaway was fish and chips, my parents came up with the best way for dividing treats between two. The rule was that one divides and one chooses. It made for stress for us. We would sometimes argue over who had to divide. It was easier to be the chooser. I would alternate that role.

It does not make up for being unfair on the previous occasion, it does however make a foolproof way forward.