AIBU for making DD12 give up her treat for eating more than her share of a takeaway?

You sound like you don't like your eldest and prefer your youngest. It's coming through really stronger.

Forget the girls relationship, what do you think this is doing to your own relationship with your eldest?

At the time, I would have told DD12 that she had just lost her treat next Wednesday. I would not be giving her extra pounds this week.

DD12 was devious and effectively stole her sister's meal. She knew clearly what she was doing as she had woofed down almost all of it.
I think it is fair to punish by restricting another food treat. Your DD22 needs to be more considerate.

OP I think you hare having a hard time on here and it's really unfair. I see a mother who is trying to instill kind and thoughtful values into her children, and honestly I totally understand where you are coming from. I'm sure maybe your eldest didn't intentionally decide to deprive her sister, but she wasn't showing any regard for her at all, and that's not OK either. I know people seem to be trivialising it, but I honestly do understand what you are getting at! I did like the suggestion of getting your l eldest to pick a gift with that extra spending money, it's a consequence of her actions but also helping her put it right herself.

Not looking forward to them enough to actually eat any though? Or bother to look at the pot in those 10 minutes? 10 minutes for 30 edamame is not scoffing the in, that's a normal pace of eating.

Yes obviously OPs Dd1 shouldn't have eaten all of the beans but I suspect there's some deeper food dynamics at play and potentially some manipulation from DD2. OP plaves the blame entirely on her eldest but allows everyone else to get away with not noticing

And @Viviennemary (you sound hateful btw, is that how your family treated you?).

It doesn't matter if she was hungry or 'greedy'. You can not use that language around a teenage girl with regards to food. It's so fucking risky.

Maybe all sit and eat together at the table and turn the TV off.

It doesn’t matter how many calories they were, it matters that the beans were chosen by both of them, they had agreed to share, and the younger sister was looking forward to them as part of a once-in-a-while takeaway treat, and she had her sister’s portion on top of her own. If both my daughters really loved brussels sprouts, and one of them ate her sister’s sprouts as well as her own, I’d be telling her off too. Not for eating brussels sprouts, but for taking her sister’s things.

Ugh why do people like punishing kids... So weird.

Sounds like a really good punishment

They should both have been more mindful. They were both equally responsible for ensure they had a half share. Or if you, the parents, didn't feel they were capable of that, then it was on uou to step in.

Stop treating DD1 as the scapegoat and DD2 as the golden child.

You're holding only DD1 to account for something that you were ALL guilty of. Conversely, you want to reward DD2 for the very same failing that you're punishing DD1 for. Presumably because she turned on the waterworks to get DD1 into trouble (despite her not actually being bothered about the beans to actually eat any.)

I'd be pulling DD2 up on her manipulative behaviour tbh.

However, not being thoughtful of others, particularly her sister, is a recurring issue

That is the issue to tackle, the recurring selfishness. Is it just towards her sister?

Have you asked your dd12 what she thinks she can do to put this correct? Id be really interested to find out how she would feel if her sister acted in the same way towards her and what she would expect as a sorry in return?

My autistic 20 year old 20 stone son has a habit of eating more than his fair share of stuff. The best way to deal with it is dived everyone's portions yourself and keep them separate rather than punish your dd

I'm not twisting your words.

You said "You’re the mother, you should have dished it up accordingly. YABU " - which I thought was unfair on the op

And then you said "They’re 11 and 12, so not teenagers and clearly she can’t be trusted?" - which I thought was also unfair.

The child had said she could share sensibly - are you suggesting that the op should have said "no I don't trust you" and forcibly divvied out the shared dish?

In our household, everyone else's disapproval, which would have been expressed mildly (except perhaps by the victim) would have been enough guidance for next time. I'm not a massive fan of punishments generally especially ones that even up the score in some way as I think that is how resentment develops. I might have sympathised with both: one missed out on some edamame, the other ate them all whilst watching TV. Later, in private, I might have asked DD12 if she could understand why her sister was upset and see if she could come up with a way of making it up to her plus a strategy for the future, and I might get two sides of edamame in future with a cheerful comment about how we need more as everyone loves them. I think to foster team spirit you have to model it. How can we sort this situation with everyone feeling good about themselves? I also would avoid any shame about food with preteen girls at all costs. Edamame and kind words are much cheaper and easier than any form of future disordered eating. Good luck, OP. Twelve is a very tricky age in my experience.

But that's sort of my point. It seems that @SongsOfSongs finds her elder DD a bit problematic: a big eater, greedy, not nice to her sister. These are the things at the front of her mind about her daughter.

I wonder what the sibling dynamics are, and have been. And how the OP treats them - children can always pick up when a parent doesn't really approve of them or like them ...

Order more food!

I'd be annoyed if they knew that the other person was looking forward to having some and they'd used that 10 minutes to eat almost the whole lot, yes. It's unlikely to happen as most children aren't that enthusiastic about vegetables, but if we compared it to strawberries or crisps I'd have the same opinion.

Next time the takeaway is ordered the side belongs to the daughter that missed out. Seems logical and fair consequence to me.

Tbh a pot of edamame is quite small, its a single serving. If you cooked a single portion of vegetables between 2, and one of your daughters didn't take any for 10 minutes, and the other one absentmindedly ate too many vegetables in that time would you really punish her?

The 11yo clearly didn't care that much about the edamame otherwise she'd have taken some

Yes exactly, four people being inattentive but only one is a problem. The adults lacking the impulse control to pause a movie and parent their child with a known food sharing issue is considered acceptable, but the 12 year old lacking impulse control around food is a personal failing and gets held to a higher standard.

DS and I prefer Chinese tho I do love those little green beans

Probably yes cos we’ve all read the thread where OP tells us what it was!

Agree - as someone with binge-eating issues, I don't think calling them greedy is going to help them longer term.

If you know it's not a one off all the more reason why you should have shared out the food and not just trusted your older daughter not to eat it all