AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

As others have said, she will most likely get a phone from a friend, so be watchful. Regading taking away her phone and her refusing to eat- I'd contact the school to keep them in the loop, incase she accuses you of anything. I agree on the basic phone, for calls and texts only. Definitely remove her smartphone

Stopped reading the original post when I saw whatsapp, tik tok and snap chat given to a 12 year old (probably 11 at the time)

These are all from 13 years of age

Keep your child off that rubbish for goodness sake.

No 12-year-old needs a smartphone. The evidence is clear about the harmful effects of over reliance on smartphones at a young age. I am convinced that in years to come we will look back on this era and shudder at how damaging it has been to children.

In addition to getting rid of the phone, I would look into activities that your DD is interested in, to give her something constructive to do and help her develop a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Dance, art, music, sport, whatever she gravitates towards. That’s the best way to build self esteem and give her the confidence to stop the worrying behaviour. And talk to her a lot, not lecturing or hectoring, but keeping the lines of communication open and letting her know she can always confide in you about anything.

Smartphones are extremely addictive. Your daughter needs those wasted hours back. However you have to also make sure that your phone is locked away and/or that you are not scrolling your own social media accounts. Lead by example.

This is a crisis OP - not just for you and your daughter but for kids everywhere.

Smartphones are addictive. They have been designed that way. They have inbuilt functions to grab your attention and hold it, making it incredibly hard to put down and ignore. Social media exacerbates the problem - the endless scroll, the continued little dopamine hits of short form video, all of it works to retrain the reward centres of kids so that they need the phone for stimulation and lose the ability to access joy from other activities.

Kids with smartphones exist in a less joyful world. They are deprived of the genuine satisfaction and enjoyment that comes from engaging in activities like reading, playing, exercising, creative play, art and music because their brains have been trained into reliance on constant, passive stimulation. And on top of that they are exposed to inappropriate content that teaches little girls they have to be sexy, dramatic, attention-grabbing etc.

You absolutely need to take the phone away, and not just for a few months but for a few years. Buy her a dumb phone so she can contact you. Facilitate opportunities for her to spend real life time with her friends, and in doing activities she loves. Be empathetic to her fears that she will be left out but reassure her that friendships exist outside the online world. Tell her her happiness means more to you than anything and that she can’t be happy when she’s addicted to a smartphone.

Smartphones and social media are a huge threat to our kids and you have to protect her from what she can’t resist or manage herself.

My eldest is in year 7, her phone gets taken off her between 7-8pm, occasionally she moans and has a temper tantrum, but it's tough. WhatsApp is a nightmare and I hope this social media ban is passed.
I would start giving consequences to the bad behaviour, no phone for a day or two, goes to a week of the bad behaviour carries on, grounding, not being allowed to go to any social events, etc.
I'd also look into if it's a cry for help, is she lacking attention from you and her dad? It might be that she wants some boundaries in place.

YANBU. Mine don’t have smart phones- they are currently 11 and 13. They have occasional use of a smart phone and a dumb phone which they also completely reject! I’ve said they won’t be getting phones until they are 14 at least and even then absolutely no social media until 16. They are basically fine with this.

Current teens will be the last to have this battle with as I firmly believe that in a year or so it will all be banned. The medial evidence and links to poor mental health are huge. In the future we will think of giving smart phones to 11 year olds (or younger) as tantamount to giving them a pack of fags and a bottle of vodka.

https://healthprofessionalsforsaferscreens.org/about/

I never even entered into a discussion with our Y7 child. They have a phone for when they travel to and from school and they hand it over when they get in the door. It is a dummy phone essentially. I’ve explained the very serious and dangerous aspects of phone addition and social media years ago to them.

We are by far in the minority amongst parents and we feel like we stand out as a result. Your child only gets one childhood - it’s up to you to not mess it up for them.

A neighbour’s child is glued to her phone. Every time her dad leaves the house a trail of boys go in the house. it makes me shudder. All glued to their phones. She is obsessed with her looks and it’s all down to social media.

Because we never allowed it in the first place, we have zero pushback.

Our school has banned smart watches as well as phones.

Absolutely take it away!!! Get her a basic phone (Nokia from Argos etc), so she can call/ text in an emergency.
I’m planning on the Apple Watch SE for DD over the summer as she starts secondary in September, with parental controls. This is because I want to be able to use tracking too. Just another idea if you wanted tracking.
Smart phones are a terrible idea for under 14s.

I have a 14 year old and a 12 year old, neither have a smartphone. Basic phones only and I don’t need to track them. They have iPads but I check them frequently and they don’t leave the house unless going on holiday.

You need to check who she has been sending photos to and how old are they. This could be a police matter.

Speak to school safeguarding lead so they’re aware of the issue and can tailor assemblies at school around smartphone use and inform other parents.

Do not give in to the complaining that it is all unfair. Spend more time with her and ensure she’s using her time constructively. She is going off the rails but you can change that.

Op I would be asking to meet with a senior teacher at her school and ask the school counselling person also be present personally. Taking and sending highly inappropriate photos and videos of herself in underwear is a huge red flag to me. You really do need to be taking this very seriously indeed. She's obviously the type of kid who is going to be (already is) addicted to a smartphone and all the social media platforms. Isn't there therapy now for this type of addiction?

Yes I agree with you. All my friends are tracking their kids with Life 360 etc. We don't.

yanbu. She’s not ready for a smartphone and won’t be for a long time. She might not accept the Nokia now but half term or the summer holidays might change her mind.

If you have any old spare phones sell th now. Also you’ll need to check your DD’s room and bags for burner phones because she’ll either buy a cheap one or a friend will give her a spare from their house.

Does she have other internet connected devices like laptops or tablets? They need locking down too.

Why doesn’t her dad have a passcode or Face ID equivalent on his phone? You now know that she read dh and your messages and I hope that there wasn’t anything risqué there.

Take the phone. Maybe not the advice you’re wanting but in my early teens I sought attention in teenage boys, I was miserable at home. Hated the dynamic I lived in, probably daddy issues if we’re honest lol anyway I’m not saying this is the case but something is going on that she’s behaving like this. I would contact the school give a brief overview and ask for her to attend counselling. Seems extreme but she needs to understand why she’s acting out time and time again. She won’t change it til she deals with why. Good luck teens are hard!

Take your router to work. It was the sky card in my day

She has shown she lacks the maturity to respond silly have a smart phone. Absolutely remove it for good. Get her an app free phone with no wifi capability. Let the form teacher know you are aware how poor her behaviour has been and that this is one of the steps you are taking to tackle the issue. Make them aware your daughter is trying to manipulate the situation by refusing to eat and ask them to contact you if they have any issues in school. Do not let her manipulate you. If you give her a basic phone take it off her at 9pm and only let her have it once schoolwork is complete. You need to lay the law down hard and stick to it as things will only go downhill from here. She needs to show she can behave maturely in all areas and show some honesty and respect.

I agree with the others (as a parent, and as a secondary school teacher). Nothing it is, then. And no Apple Watch, either. You don't need to track her. Nobody needs to track their family members. It's frankly creepy.

This. I think this widespread access to smartphones for kids and young teens is something that we will come to realise is a terrible mistake.

Ok, great, nothing it is. Didn't kill any of us, growing up without one and she has proved repeatedly that she cannot be trusted, she is too immature. The lying alone would see it gone in my house.

Agreed with the above. I had a young teen that was just like this. Every boundary we put down with phone was ignored and snuck around. She had two "burner" phones. My internet is really difficult (can only use sky as no other provider can get in and it is impossible to change password on it) so she could just log onto that. Lock your wifi down. I wish I had managed to get the phone properly away from my young teen. TikTok especially was very damaging and she watched loads of dangerous videos and pro-anorexia sites which contributed to years of mental health difficulties.

Given how long each of these steps has taken, with months in-between having/not having WhatsApp, it's clear the child had a smartphone way too early, even if they are now creeping into a normal age for one.

You need to protect her from herself more than you need her to like you right now. She shouldn't be sending sexy pictures aged 12, that's serious.

Dumb phone, or no phone, and fill her life a bit more to distract her from what has become her default entertainment.

Absolutely take it away. She doesn't need a phone at all if that is her choice. My own 12yo does have a smart phone but I check it regularly and we have controls like you around apps, downtime etc. This age is so tricky x

I agree. But the thread will take a different direction if posters start thinking the child is only 7 years old and so won’t be helpful to the OP.