AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

Definitely not judging, these girls are vulnerable and need help. I can see how Adhd can be a contributing factor. In the case of the girl we know, that is unlikely though. I imagine some grow out of this phase as hormones settle. Some might have viewed inappropriate content /porn unbeknownst to their parents. I am just curious what other factors play into it when a girl is well brought up and all great throughout primary school. Phones and social media play a part but it's a symptom not the cause. Why do some girl go all boy mad lapping up any kind of male attention regardless of suitability and age. This is also a feminist issue, as I hate to think of these teenagers giving up all their power to the male gaze. The girl I know brags about her escapades.

You are in denial if you think 'all girls' are the same. My daughter is year 8.

In friend group there are two only recently been allowed WhatsApp mid year 8. One of them is not allowed it.

My daughter and another not allowed to do status updates at all. I'm very strict about this!

None have snap chat to my knowledge. My daughter certainly won't be getting it.

That should say had.

My DD has some of these behaviours (she’s now at uni). She had low self esteem despite everything being seemingly great about her life. She was diagnosed with ADHD and was struggling in so many ways which weren’t obvious to anyone else (we were aware). Her phone and anything related to it gave her instant dopamine hits constantly and something to hyper focus on. Medication and therapy helped and I feel very fortunate that we were able to afford it.

There could be many reasons for the behaviour. I’m just giving you one because it’s very easy to be outraged, not so easy to be that parent.

What other girls are doing is not your concern. YOUR 12 year old daughter is sending photos of her breasts(and likely more) to someone. Who is she posing for - some dirty old pervert on the internet is probably dribbling over her photos - wake up! This is a safeguarding issue and you as her parent need to take it more seriously before she ends up in real trouble. You should remove all of her electronic devices from her and ground her. I have no idea why you negotiating with her. If she doesn't want to eat her dinner, that's her issue. You are the adult not her. As a first step, you need to alert the school.

You have to come down hard now!
I told my dd that if she used WhatsApp like social media I.e a single status update, it would be gone. Also no groups other than close friends.

And sadly ALL the girls are the same!

No, absolutely not, they're not. My dd and her friends always ensure they cover their face with a phone or sticker when they post anything on What's App status.

I am genuinely concerned as your daughter's behaviour is hyper sexualised, it shows a huge lack of self respect.

We know of a girl just like this from the loveliest 'middle class' home you can imagine. Even though she isn't allowed a phone in y7, she managed to get hold of secret ones through friends. She’s been using her iPad to create various social media accounts with risky content while her mum found some, others remain hidden. This is at a top school.

The girls has recorded videos of her in a bra and her date topless and her mother is non the wiser. She is allowed to date but lies to her mum about which boy she is actually meeting (unsuitable ones) and has dated older boys. She is only 12 and has had over a dozen boyfriends.

I would be really interested how this happens especially with girls from stable, supportive homes. Are there any teachers or professionals here who know what factors contribute to that high risk hyper sexualise behaviour in say under 15s?

Yeah I never cared if all the other kids had one, the only child I’m worried about is my child and phones are toxic and addictive.

Well done for taking it off her, stick to your guns and when you/if you give it back do so with strict rules in place. My rules were no phone in her bedroom, no more than 2 hours on her phone a day and no social media.

She needs real life female role models. She needs goals. She needs an alternative to toxic culture objectifying girls/women. And as she won't sort this out herself, it is lucky she has you on her side, OP.

I'm afraid this is the same argument as if all the girls jumped off a cliff would you- the fact many girls are doing is no justification, plus there are plenty of 12 year old girls not uploading to Tik Toc, there are plenty of teenagers also not doing so.
You need to protect your daughter this kind of behaviour at this age is very unsafe.
You also need to address the elephant in the room why does your daughter feel it is acceptable to be so deceitful- clearly the problems go deeper than Tik Toc.

Oh and I meant to add- do not be tempted to give the phone back if she’s “good” for a few weeks. You have to be clear that it’s for her own mental health and wellbeing so it’s not a case of punishment/ earning back- she’s not ready and that’s the end of it. Otherwise I can almost guarantee that she’ll start the cycle again.

Yeah sorry to say this but I think you have to be comfortable with her saying she’s the weird one. She’s not by the way- there are loads of kids her age who have not got smart phones, tic tok etc. But you have to have the confidence to say “You’re my child and I am doing what is right for you- those other families do things their way, we do things our way.” Quite apart from anything else I wouldn’t imagine that they’ve been posing in a bra online and nicking their dad’s phone!

Re the activities- I absolutely insist on one sport and one other activity. They can choose and I will help them find something they like but they absolutely do not have the option to give up and sit at home watching you tube. It’s no coincidence either that it’s at the point when kids get their phones that their interest in activities can start to fade- hopefully if she’s not got a smart phone for a few years she can find some other interests again.

It may seem harsh/ thankless now but honestly she will thank you for this long term.

I think taking phone away is reasonable. As other PP have suggested, think it would be a good idea to fill her time with activities, sports and hobbies.

slowly migrate her attention to other more productive areas that are fun and give her self confidence.

Honedtly it sounds like there's a lack of consequences.
She posts photos of herself in underwear on line, she takes your husbands phone, she lies and decieves, she's badly behaved at school etc and it seems the only consequence is her phone. What else are you doing to tackle her blatant awful behavior?
She sounds like a troubled kid atm but it'll only get worse if you keep saying "well it's just kids isn't it, they all do it!"

OP this is the most important issue. You need to talk to someone from a safeguarding perspective. She could be being groomed or abused.

My daughter is 12 and in year 7 and agreed the jump from primary to secondary is a lot, however, her behaviour is completely out of control. You've done the right thing taking her phone away, maybe you have been too complacent in the past but you do need to stick to your guns before things get worse. I would also talk to the head of year and tell them whag you've found, none of these girls should be doing thag. My daughter has Snapchat and WhatsApp which I check regularly, more because I dont trust other people. She's never had tiktok because the trends terrify me mainly. She will cope, she is clearly not emotionally mature enough for the phone at this point and the sexual behaviour is very worrying, I know my daughter and her friends have never done anything like that, definitely an attention seeking issue, maybe take her out for a costa or something and have a proper chat with her.

Not all the girls are the same tbh. I'd say it's a minority, especially at my year 7's school it's the mean/popular girls who are doing all that. I'm happy for mine to look like a weirdo and not have tik took or Snapchat and have her phone taken away before 8pm and she's also not allowed it upstairs.

Ok, stop with they're "ALL" doing it and "loads of girls are sharing pictures".
It doesn't matter. Your daughter is only 12. Those pictures are a Safeguarding issue and you need to make an appointment with the SL in school.
Get her involved in hobbies, reading, household cooking, whatever. She needs to be mentally healthy.

JFC just remove the smart phone!

She's a child, and there are a whole host of safeguarding red flags about what she's doing.

so you want to reward her bad behaviour by buying her an apple watch.

time to parent, take the phone and she has the basic one or nothing.

she need to be older and more mature before you can trust her with another phone and even then good behaviour needs to be in place.

don’t give in when she won’t eat, she will soon give it up when you don’t back down

Yes take it away.

I wish I’d waited until dd was 14/15yo before getting her a phone. I took her phone off her for around a month when she was 13yo for similiar reasons op and she was like a completely different child (happy!)

The consequence of her behaviour is that she does not have a phone of any type. There is no need for her to have a phone at the age of twelve. In an emergency, you can phone the school.
Your biggest concern should be who on earth a 12 year old is sending sexual photos to - is she being groomed?

We have strict rules in this house compared with dc friends but they work for us and dc still abide by them at almost 15.

1. phones get put on the charging docking station before bed and stay there until breakfast time.
2. Phones are only allowed downstairs (special permission to take to your bedroom with clear reason eg. Please can I take my phone upstairs to listen to music? Please can I call my best friend from my room? - I always say yes because they’ve built my trust at this point)
3. if behaviour deteriorates then the phone is removed (a happen to dd1 as she had a full personality transplant in year 7 - after 4 days no phone she acknowledged the link in her behaviour and phone use and we asked how she wanted us to help her with that… she asked us to reduce her time with her phone - that was quite short term)
4. WhatsApp allowed in year 7, Snapchat allowed in year 8 with close monitoring, Facebook came in year 10 as dd needed it for dance lesson updates. Dd1 is now 18 and got TikTok age 17. Dtds are not allowed TikTok which upsets them but they got over it.

be clear that it’s your role as a parent to keep her safe and guide her and she’s demonstrated she’s not ready to be responsible so stronger rules need to be in place to safeguard and support her. Stay firm.