AIBU to take my Year 7 daughter's smartphone away completely?

Good to see the update that removal of the phone is bringing improvements. We all need to be prepared to take away phones and teach some tough lessons. When they show us they’re not mature enough to use them sensibly they need to go.

Yes, she has gone off the rails. That happened a long time ago.
I took my DS’s phone off him for almost a week for one unpleasant message. He would have lost it completely ages ago if he’d done a fraction of what your DD has done. She’s walking all over you and engaging in very risky behaviour.

That's disappointing OP.
You did well getting Cahms involvement, they are notoriously reluctant. My dc's school would probably be useless in such a situation, what is your head of year doing that is helpful?

I think you need to go to school and talk with them. They need to know what is happening. There is something not at all right here. The problem seems to have stemmed from something in school and this is information that they need so that they can take their own steps to deal with it.

The things children view on their phones take them way out of the normal sphere for a child, and way beyond what they can cope with psychologically.

It is so easy for a child to become fascinated with something that they do not fully understand; it becomes compulsive behaviour that they find hard to control. Poor lass will be awash in hormones and out of her depth.

At the very least if the school know they will have an explanation for the deterioration in her behaviour.

I really feel for you in this situation. YOu will need to be the "baddy" for a bit in order to get through this.

I don’t think its a tech issue, its a social media issue, so whether they are using social media on a laptop or smartphone there will be issues.
There is nothing wrong with a 12 year old having a phone imo, but social media is another thing, my kids don’t have any, not even facebook and i have never had an issue with them having phones from starting high school.

A laptop in particular is far easier to monitor. You don't sneak them into the toilet. You need to boot them up. Whereas a phone is always there, always pinging, always demanding attention.

I have all the restrictions on her phone

And so we ignored all that and allowed our 12 daughter to download Snapchat and Tiktok because she says all the other girls also have irresponsible parents and have them and we are too weak to challenge this.

Her phone usage has been a problem but we allow her to be able to take her phone to bed and she's then being messaging at midnight to her boyfriend

She's sent messages in a her underwear and we know about this.

Errrrr where's the parenting in all this? You stuck on restrictions and expected them to do all the parenting and now are blaming the smart phone not your lack of ability to say no to your daughter and are now wondering why when you have given an inch, she's taken a mile.

If you can't parent properly then yes the phone will have to go. She will probably then buy one for herself mind given her already piss poor attitude to you, so keep an eye on that.

The issue here is not really about the phone, though the phone is contributing to the problems.

Well done for keeping it up

I've seen loads of people say the see a huge difference on their child once removing the phone or iPad.

Usually that they are calmer and less aggressive

People saying 12 is too young for a phone. It's not . We all had them at that age and didn't go off the rails but things are so so different now

Social media and tik tok etc

It doesn't help that now adays kids have access to phones from about 6 years old even to just play games and go on YouTube they get so addicted

I definitely agree with just giving her a basic phone so you can contact her if needed

@LameBorzoi I do think intrinsically some kids push the boundaries and are more addicted than others. Thsrs to be expected

I also belive family link is easier to use and harder to break than apple controls which experts have agreed are ludicrously complicated for parents and don't even block tik tok etc.

Well done op

I massively regret letting my now 14 year old get a phone in year 7. The battles back and forth over it since then have been horrific

These devices and apps are designed to create the addictive and dangerous behaviour and obviously personality of each child makes some more vulnerable than others

I'm sure im not alone in having been much much stricter second time around. My younger child doesn't hafe a smart phone at all and as long as she is under 16 I won't be allowing social media at all

Interestingly after initial tears she stopped asking fairly quickly

I learnt it's easier to say no and be strict from the start than to row back later

What's the point in selecting an age that isn't at all relevant to the post?

What is the difference between a tablet/laptop or a smartphone? They all do the same thing?.
Well i must have trustworthy teens then as they have never got around family link.
how are phones not useful in an emergency? And emergency can be many different things for example my DD rang be back along as she has gotten lost, my DS has rang me from the skate park as he had cut his leg open both i would consider an emergency that they need to call me for.

I know. I was talking about both so selected the youngest age.

There are multiple studies demonstrating how harmful smartphones are to young teens. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's ok.

Family link is pretty easy to get around.

Apps can be on a tablet or laptop. Schools should not be making them mandatory.

I don't think they are useful in emergencies. Either it's a proper emergency, in which case they yell for help ( phone no real use here) or they go back to school or find a shop / neighbour and use their phone.

As a PP said, the OP's daughter is in year 7, she's not 7 years old. I think age 12 is far too young for a smartphone, there is no way a 7-year-old should have a phone of any kind IMO.

I bought my oldest, second oldest and now my thirds phone when they went up to high school as they all walk to and from school and wanted to make sure they could contact me in an emergency, they didn’t have a phone at all before then, i have family link on their phones so i can see what they are downloading and they are not allowed social media until they are 16.
year 7 is the ideal age really as they will start needing to learn to be independent, plus most of their homework, school lunch money etc is on apps now.

@TalkToTheHand123
She’s in Year 7 - not 7 years old

Have you tried talking to her about the risks and realities of intimate image sharing

I disagree. 7 years old is not too young. You 'just' need to manage the situation. It's easy to say take the phone away but children can go psycho and be very draining. Try be patient and talk it though with her regularly. Use realistic incentives and threats which could work. Be persistent. Not saying it's easy but that's my view.

I don’t think you’re overreacting. At this point it sounds less like “normal phone use” and more like the phone is completely taking over.
You’ve actually given her a lot of chances already. Restrictions, talks, trust, second chances… and she’s still finding ways around everything, staying up late, filming in school, posting things she knows she’s not allowed to and lying about it.
Year 7 is still really young for unrestricted TikTok/Snapchat/WhatsApp in my opinion. A lot of adults can’t handle social media well, never mind a 12-year-old.
I’d probably take the smartphone away for now and switch to a basic phone for calls/texts only. Not forever, just until she can show a bit more maturity and honesty around it.
And honestly, the stealing the screentime code and filming in lessons would concern me more than the selfies themselves.

How is your dd doing now @ExasperatedIs ? Has she got her phone back?