To be scared of grief

As a pp said, I was scared of how I would react when my grandfather died. I was closer to him than my actual father. And whilst I was devastated I actually found the 6 months before he died to be much worse. I cried everyday then and lived in fear of th phone ringing with bad news.

She's still with you for life even without her physical presence.

Grief changes and the early phases are consuming. It does gradually contract to a size you live with.
I think of it like a wound healing to a scar. First it's sore and actively healing, then it's still red visible and you're still aware of it being different to before, and eventually it fades to something pale that's in the background that occasionally attracts your attention.

Yes I can relate to this. Mum was bed bound, following a fall in her care home, was double incontinent and had began to choke on fluids, had long stopped eating. It was a relief when she passed for her sake as much as my endless worrying about her and thinking what a horrible existence she had.

I had list her a long time before that due to Alzeheimers so had already become used to 'not having my mum' anymore.

Jimmy Carr famously stated, "Grief is the price we pay for love"
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/nNdzRJG6Prg

It does get easier.

I think about my parents often

But it's so much less raw than when we first realised they would be dying soon (v short illnesses for both)

It helped me to remember that I'd previously been v distressed when grandparents died but it's less raw now

I never missed my mother who I did not have a great relationship with...I did my dad. But my son's death was like nothing else.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's incredibly hard and there's no way of understanding it unless you've been through it. I'm 10 years further on than you. I still get that hit by a truck feeling about the fact that I'll never see my parents again. I've had many thoughts over the years about my mum. Realisations about her and her life. Wishing I could have her back to tell her how awesome she was. It's a lifelong process. Often, the way you feel at the beginning changes over time. Each loss is felt differently too. I'm really angry at my best mate for dying but I've never felt that way towards my parents. It's brutal and it sucks but unless you throw yourself off a cliff, you have no choice but to put one foot infront of another and cope somehow.

I lost my mum last year quite suddenly after a stroke. She was 73 and I was 39.

Being brutally honest, it was a rough 12 months and i did wonder if I would end up severely depressed. It did affect my relationship and impacted my life in a way I cant describe. I did struggle with anxiety for many months and drank more than I realised.

However, I did survive it and still surviving it. I didnt make any major decisions for a good 12 months. I realised theres nothing I could do about it and found comfort talking to people who had experienced it.

Grief and losing someone makes you feel out of control and that maybe what you're feeling right now.

The best words I remember a good friend saying is 'it wont last forever, you will have better days' and I hung onto that kind advice.

My relationship has become stronger, I have a stronger sense of what I want in life and value people I love more.

Not all humans cope but many do.

It will be OK. Losing a parent is a big deal however old and ill they are, but there’ll come a time when you just remember the good times. My mum died 7 years ago - she was 93 and had dementia. It was a release for her quite honestly.

I have lost a parent five years ago and it is, of course, heartbreaking and destabilising. At first, there were huge waves of grief that felt constant crashing over me but as time went on the big waves got further apart. Some days I still experience a big wave but most of the time now it is just something that feels really sad (because it is) but I can feel happy alongside it.

Yes, at least this is the natural order. I find the idea of grief for the death of a child, for example, a terrifying and life changing thought, but I don't think a 'timely' death of a parent when you are an adult will have to be a huge upheaval over the long term.

My mum's health is going downhill and I'm bracing myself that the day is getting ever closer when I hear she is gone, but in the end I am happy I have had more time with her than I feared when she first told me her chronic condition tends to be life limiting.

OP, wishing you and your family all the best.

@morningtrain sucks doesn’t it? I was the one who said it’s just nuts and reading your update made me go ‘ wow! My mum is actually dead! How stupid is that?!’ and I felt it all over again.

And then it’ll go away again for maybe a day or maybe a month. Dunno. You can never tell.

my mum was quite a unique character and when I have a self indulgent cry, I can hear her voice saying ‘ for god’s sake! Pull yourself together!’ and that then makes me laugh and the whole thing passes. Until it comes back again

I’m sorry to read your news though. It’s awful and very sad but like I said some months ago, you really will be ok

Make the most of the time you have now - lots of chats and hugs so you don’t feel you missed time - I don’t mean you have to visit constantly, just make the visits as high quality as you can depending on how well she is to talk.

Nothing can prepare you, even anticipating grief. It is one of the most intense experiences I ever had when I lost my mum. The first couple years were the hardest and time is easing the intensity. It brought the family closer in some ways and we were able to support each other well. I found other people thought I should be over it within a couple months but it actually got harder for a while not easier. Just remember there is no right or wrong way to deal with it and be kind to yourself.

Sending you and your family hugs x

I lost dear sister to cervical cancer 2 years ago, she was only 32. In many ways the anticipatory grief was harder. I couldn't get my head around the fact she was going to die and the waiting was agony, coupled with wanting to make the most of her being here etc. It really was exhausting. When she died, I felt numb for a good while, still didn't feel real. I wonder if this was my brain protecting me.
The second year without her has felt harder. I miss her and just feel sad. I have always managed to 'carry on as normal' though, it just feels weird.
. I do feel completely changed by grief. I don't take anything for granted. I do try and make the most of every day. I was actually more sociable after my sister died, being around people I cared about helped and I want to make happy memories. I embrace the grief now, it's the last thing I have connecting me to my sister. Also, I sort of feel my feelings of sadness or grief are probably nothing compared to how my sister felt realising she was going to die at such a young age, it puts it into perspective.
It's completely normal to feel scared of grief and I'm sorry you are walking this path too.

I have to agree with alot of the other comments. I lost my older sister aged 36 in march this year and it was only a huge relief that the suffering had ended. Shes left behind two young children and we were especially worried about them but they are thriving and doing well. I think the first few weeks were the hardest but we are all learning to live without her now. I miss her loads but it isnt as bad as i was expecting it to be. Life goes on. And you all get through as a family. Just keep busy, maybe find a new hobby or exercise. It does get easier. Remember all the memories you made together.
its also quite nice to have happy, sentimental thoughts that they are in a good place waiting for you all to be reunited with them one day and that they are watching over you. I do that.

When my Dad died the physical pain of heartbreak was awful & I do remember thinking I would never feel the same again. But I do. It took time but time does heal. Sorry you are going through this. Sending love to you & your Mum.

This is so true. Both of my parents died from cancer and we had been grieving so much that the end was a merciful release.

My dad died at home surrounded by family. The undertakers came to get him and we all sat around singing some of his favourite songs. We opened a couple of bottles of wine and ordered a take away. He loved eating, drinking and music and we sang his spirit home.

I fell apart a month or so later and spent a weekend with my stepmum, grieving again. And then life went on.

But the grief is not front and central forever. I asked my friend how her wife was a month or so after her mum died and she described her as a radio where the tuning was slightly off. I think that's how I felt for months. Life was just slightly out of focus. And now it's normal again. Unless I think about him.

I lost my mum in an unexpected and tragic way - it was a painful grief, definitely, and 20 years later there is sadness still sometimes- especially on anniversaries BUT it faded and is also mixed with beautiful memories too. I felt very ‘floaty’ for many months. Someone once told me that grief is a form of love, and I feel that strongly for my mum. I actually wouldn’t want to completely get over it or move on - sometimes I want to wallow a little in some bittersweet memories.

I watched my mum slowly leave us, in pain, in hospital and alone curled up in a bed. By the end, yes it was hard, but the one sense of relief was that she was no longer suffering.

I can very much relate to this, having lost my lovely DH to Motor Neurone Disease just a few weeks ago.

We had his diagnosis last summer, and his Dad had also had the disease many years previously so we had been given rather a cruel glimpse of what would be to come for us.

We spent months worrying about it although did manage to fit in some fun holidays too.

The end was quick and brutal though. It came quickly and was very distressing but my overriding emotion has been relief. Relief that DH did not have to go through the very protracted period of suffering that we had both witnessed for other MND sufferers. He had been so frightened that that would happen, and that all dignity would be lost. There is great sadness/loneliness too of course and always will be, but for me it is tempered by relief.

We all grieve very differently. I too got a lot of my most difficult feelings dealt with while DH was still alive. I somehow wasn't expecting that, but it happened and here I am now.

Yes, grief changes who you are AND if your husband shows himself to be a dick during that period, it MAY affect your marriage.

Grief is a very real and unavoidable part of life. If you have a DH, they should have been selected on how they would be kind/helpful/supportive during this phase of life, because it’s a phase absolutely every human has to go through, unless something unnatural has happened to cause a parent to lose a child. That’s like… grief level 1 (losing a child), losing a spouse (of a long-term 20+ year, happy, healthy marriage) is grief level 2, and losing a parent is grief level 3. The level of any other loss is arguable (more for some people, less for others). But yes, every child has to bury their parents.

My grief at losing my parents only played a part in ending my marriage because my exDH already wasn’t prepared to be a supportive partner.

I was exactly like this about my parent. But you will be ok. When I was in this panic spiralling, I remember my husband turning to me (he lost his own father to cancer when his father was in his 60s), and saying gently, “You won’t believe me right now because you are in such pain and panic, but this part is actually worse in many ways than after they’ve gone. After they’ve gone, they find back to you, in wonderful memories of all the great times. You will feel more peace. This bit just before is by far the most frightening.”

And he was right.

Your feelings now are completely normal, anticipatory grief.
I had this too and I think it probably helped me when the time came, as I had felt so many of the feelings already, if that makes sense?
There was also an element of relief that my mums suffering was over, and some respite at no longer having the constant ups and downs of late stage illness (you know, when them eating half a slice of toast has you euphoric, and a painful day has you in despair?) and the release from the exhaustion of practical tasks, care, hospital trips and ever present worry.
When the time came, my initial thoughts were thank goodness that's over, and a kind of suspended reality as everyone fusses and is kind and normal life doesn't happen.
After that, I think is probably the hardest. Because life goes on, but without them in it. You really start to understand that you need to shape your life around this big gap.
I think that's the danger time for depression and you need to really look out for yourself. Eat well, excercise, take as many opportunities as you can to find pleasure and relax. Think about counselling.
Long term? The cliché of time healing is true. But like any wound healing, afterwards it's not quite the same, because you have a scar. And sometimes it twinges, but mostly in time, you live with it without noticing it.
The gap get bridged by other people in your life. Some you haven't even met yet, some who are growing, like your children. These people fill your life and make you happy and blunt the loss. You may no longer be a daughter, but you can be a friend, sister, spouse, mother, grandmother and these relationships will bring you love and joy and shine out the darkness.