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Original poster

AIBU not to warn another mum her daughter was not invited?

34 replies

OneBrightCrow · 11/05/2026 20:30

Long story short, my daughter didn't invite a girl she's been friends with since the beginning of year R, to her birthday celebration, and the mum thinks I should've warned her.

now in year 4, my daughter has started to broaden her friendship group and seems to have more settled friendships than the friendship with the girl in question.

Although their friendship has been fairly consistent, I wouldn't say it has always been positive. She can be quite bossy, critical of my daughter (you can't dance, you're doing that wrong etc), and behaves older than her years so often says things about weight, image, boys etc that seems to go over my daughters head a lot of the time, but I worry it won't always.

she's often left my daughter out of things (when three is a crowd) and I've navigated those situations by encouraging my daughter to focus on friends who don't make her feel bad.

this birthday, she opted to ask a group of friends to Go Ape, and didn't pick that girl. We questioned her choice a little (not the people, but just are u sure that's your final choice etc)

now the party has been and gone, it has got back to the girl, and her mum has text me questioning why she wasn't invited and she now has to deal with her daughter in floods of tears and would've appreciated a heads up.

was I unreasonable not to send a text before the occasion to prepare her?

I explained that I thought the girls had grown apart somewhat, so didn't think it was a big deal and with limited awareness of the dynamics of school friendships, didn't feel in a position to dissuade or challenge my daughter's choice. The way I see it, if my daughter had really wanted her there, she would've picked her.

(I can't really explain to the mum that my daughter is sometimes in tears because of hers, and that my daughter feels bad about herself a lot of the time because of what her daughter has said. And this girl claiming to see my daughter as her "BFF" doesn't change how she can make my daughter feel)

I get on with the mum well and have expressed that my daughter still wants to be friends, and I'm sorry I didn't deal with it the way she would've liked.

i have another school mum friend who's daughter and my daughter sometimes clash a bit, but it hasn't stopped us being pals, so I'm hoping we can achieve a similar dynamic.

but was I reasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneBrightCrow · 11/05/2026 21:23

Bushmillsbabe · 11/05/2026 21:12

At this age friendships seem to change every 2 minutes, bff's one minute, and then a new girl starts and one girl gets dropped. It can be hard seeing them upset but as parents our role is to support our own child to navigate it rather than getting involved - this mum shouldn't have been messaging you.

Although with the caveat that no one was rubbing this girls face in it. My daughter had a similar experience, not being invited to the party of the girl who called my daughter her BFF and was super over the top all over her. And they were all talking about the party every 2 minutes with a catty 'oh, but Grace it's such a shame you aren't coming'. DD wasn't that bothered, she was growing apart from this girl anyway, but I still thought it was quite unkind.

If this mum is your friend, why didn't you have a gentle conversation about it how much her daughter was upsetting yours?

I think I'll aim for a more detailed convo when I see her. Hard to do it via text when I knew she was already upset, and not knowing how it would land.

also my daughter knew not to talk about the party to anyone not invited but others obv mentioned something, and I explained to her that we couldn't insist they kept it a secret. It's just a tricky situation

OP posts:
WhatsYourFlex · 11/05/2026 21:18

I think you’ve acted ok. Unless you are about to drip feed that you invited everyone else in the class or something!
Assuming just a small group were invited it’s fine.

Bushmillsbabe · 11/05/2026 21:12

At this age friendships seem to change every 2 minutes, bff's one minute, and then a new girl starts and one girl gets dropped. It can be hard seeing them upset but as parents our role is to support our own child to navigate it rather than getting involved - this mum shouldn't have been messaging you.

Although with the caveat that no one was rubbing this girls face in it. My daughter had a similar experience, not being invited to the party of the girl who called my daughter her BFF and was super over the top all over her. And they were all talking about the party every 2 minutes with a catty 'oh, but Grace it's such a shame you aren't coming'. DD wasn't that bothered, she was growing apart from this girl anyway, but I still thought it was quite unkind.

If this mum is your friend, why didn't you have a gentle conversation about it how much her daughter was upsetting yours?

Original poster
OneBrightCrow · 11/05/2026 21:10

TunnocksOrDeath · 11/05/2026 20:50

Well, as she brought it up, this might actually be the time to mention to her that her DD has been saying things lately that upset yours (with one or two VERY brief examples of things she said to make yours feel bad) and you think that "might" be the reason your DD decided to invite someone else this time.
If my child was making hurtful comments on their friends' weight/image/popularity I would hope that someone would tell me, so that I could talk to DC about their behaviour.

I have tried in the past but when I've raised things she'll say she'll speak to her daughter and then come back to me and say her daughter gave a different account and gives a reason to justify the behaviour - so I kinda gave up trying.

there was another time where my husband was out with the kids and her daughter ran off and when my husband caught up with her he said something like not disappearing out of sight as he's sure her mum wouldn't be happy about it.... and she said "my mum never tells me off so it's fine" - so we got an idea about how parenting goes from that too

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/05/2026 21:10

Would only consider a ‘heads up’ if I was really close friends with the mum, and even then would think twice.

Age 10 my DC wasn’t invited to a friend’s quite large birthday celebration, and was really upset. They’d been close from age 7 - 9 then up and down. I was and still am friends with the mum but not super close and didn’t raise it with her.

SarahAndQuack · 11/05/2026 21:04

Tricky. I would have appreciated the heads up if my DD were that one, not least because I'd be concerned if she'd been upsetting someone she saw as a friend. I would have wanted to know how to intervene and support her to be kinder. I think it's important. And I would find it quite tricky to be 'pals' with someone who didn't trust my parenting enough to say something if my DD was upsetting theirs.

Sassylovesbooks · 11/05/2026 21:03

I think you had an opportunity to say to the Mum that her daughter has said a few things lately that's upset your daughter, and that's likely the reason behind your daughter's decision.

Unfortunately, I think that boat has sailed, you can't go back now and give her a more in-depth explanation.

Why the parent contacted you, I really don't know. Children can't invite everyone to their birthday parties, and it should be the child's decision. Messaging a parent because their child didn't receive an invite is helicopter parenting. The Mum would have been better to have kept upbeat and to teach her daughter that sometimes she won't be invited to things. Yes, it's disappointing but disappointment is part and parcel of life at times. Mum isn't going to be there to micromanage every aspect of her friendships, she needs to learn to do this.

TunnocksOrDeath · 11/05/2026 20:50

Well, as she brought it up, this might actually be the time to mention to her that her DD has been saying things lately that upset yours (with one or two VERY brief examples of things she said to make yours feel bad) and you think that "might" be the reason your DD decided to invite someone else this time.
If my child was making hurtful comments on their friends' weight/image/popularity I would hope that someone would tell me, so that I could talk to DC about their behaviour.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 11/05/2026 20:32

You are fine. Parent of other girl is a CF.

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