AIBU not to warn another mum her daughter was not invited?

Your daughter can invite who she wants.
I know of a situation where a girl invited all the girls in the class to her birthday party, bar one (She was resentful of this one girl because her mother kept using this girl as a shinning example, so it’s no wonder she didn’t want to include the girl, but it was hardly the girl’s fault) They were all 11.
She hadn’t told her mum, that she’d left one girl out.
At the school gate the birthday girls mum, totally unaware, said to the left out girls mum ‘We’ll see X on Saturday for the party’
The left out girls mum, just said calmly ‘No, my daughter isn’t invited’
The poor woman was flabbergasted.
I am the mother of the left out girl, she’d never harmed the birthday girl in any way, but the girl had the right not to invite her.
I never said to my daughter that the girl was a jealous wee madam - & who could blame her with her mother making comparisons?
Anyway, that Saturday we made sure that my daughter had a fantastic day, and it was a great lesson in life for her - you don’t have to have done anything to piss some people off!
They left school soon after and I don’t think she has ever seen the girl again, so no harm done.

Yep, I was going to ask this too - whether DD went to her birthday. Not that invites demand an invite back, but more to understand how much your daughter likes or doesn't like this girl.

A mum of a girl in DD's year went round saying how horrible DD was (I found out later) but happily sent her daughter to DD's birthday party, sleepovers, playdates etc.

Not saying my daughter is an angel all the time ( never intentionally unkind but I know her sense of humour can be very blunt/she can be very matter of fact which can upset people and we have talked to her about this), but if my DD was that bad then why would she have sent her round ours so often? Turned out she resented my daughter for doing better than hers with sports, academics etc and was trying to big her daughter up by putting mine down.

Not saying this is you at all OP, just sharing a similar experience

As they get older - mini blondes in yr 4 as well - they have smaller parties - we have 6 now - so 5 friends and dd

you can’t invite everyone and if they aren’t playing as nicely now and dd didn’t want her . Thats her choice at 9yrs old

did she go to the other girls birthday ?

This happened with friend of mine.
She did give the other Mum a heads up, in person. The Mum was outraged had a massive rant about being kind, blocked my friend on everything and never spoke to her again.
Even now 9 years on the kids aren’t in the same school the offended Mum will cross the road to avoid my friend.

She is unreasonable but I can see her point. They thought the girls were close friends so to not be invited to a birthday party is a pretty hard message from your camp that’s not the case. They won’t see or appreciate their child’s faults.

Personally in this situation I would have just invited her. Your dd will obviously drop her over the next few months as they get older but she can do that gradually. Youve preempted that in quite an abrupt and brutal way.

• children called Rafferty doing forest school in cashmere

this made me LOL!!!! But seriously, I hear you, I’m just quietly waiting for my ‘set for life’ lottery investment strategy to pay off so I can retire, grow veggies and have beautiful blonde highlights.

YANBU.

But YABU. It would have been better to tell her mother why she was not invited. If her behaviour is affecting her social life it is pretty important that her mum helps her fix that while younger. She won't have a chance to if no one tells her.

I did tell dd's ex best friends mum exactly why they were no longer friends. Not in a nasty way, but honest.They never became as close, but dd reported that something definitely changed. Previously the girl only really had dd, by the end of high school she had a solid group of close friends.

They are children. They deserve the chance to learn from their mistakes, which they cannot do if nobody tells them what they are doing wrong.

I wouldn't have thought it's the done thing to text someone to tell them they're not invited and she needs to manage her own daughter, regardless of why you didn't invite her, that she doesn't need to be invited to everything.

I would have said sorry your dd is upset, it was a small outing and not everyone can be invited.

It’s ridiculous to expect a ‘heads up’ are you meant to let everyone in the year know they are not invited.

You did nothing wrong. Sensible people wait to be invited to an event rather than assume they are invited and request notification that they’re not.

i think you handled it all really well. If your friendship with the mum drifts so be it. You haven't done anything wrong.

YWNBU. She's making a drama out of nothing. Yes, children can be disappointed by these things and they hurt one another's feelings. Navigating that is part of being a parent. She shouldn't have blamed you. (The fact that she did—combined with how she's not dealt with her own daughter's unkindness toward you DD—would make me wonder if she's worth the trouble, frankly.)

It feels a bit of a lost cause to re-explain that her daughter isn't always a good friend to yours. She's a permissive parent and doesn't want to know that her daughter has negative traits, so she won't easily accept it or act on it. If she brings up the girls' faltering friendship again, I'd just reiterate that the girls are getting to an age where their friendships drift and change. It's a natural part of growing up, etc. Then try to steer the conversation in a different direction. If she doesn't want to be your friend because of this, that's too bad, but so be it!

I don't think you did anything wrong, and didn't need to tell her in advance, but when she said she was now dealing with her daughter upset, I would absolutely have told her that her daughter regularly upsets yours and given examples. Whether she tries to brush it off that's her issue, but I'd still say it.
There's a girl who has always been mean and dramatic in my daughters circle, and last year my daughter decided on a sleepover with just a couple of friends rather than a party excluding only her (because she doesn't want to be unkind) but this year she's been truly awful and I would have no issue with having a party without her and telling her mother why.

That’s so strange of the mum to even text you that.

Sounds like you handled it perfectly.
Don't give it any more thought. Hopefully once they are in secondary they won't see each other anymore.

Just tell the truth. Your daughter doesnt like her daughter.
As the saying goes, dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm

The mother is not owed anything and all these birthday dramas are ridiculous

Sorry, yes I missed that you had already tried to speak to her.

Her reaction to you raising a concern tells you all you need to know.
DD was bullied by 2 'friend' of hers in year 2. I was confident to speak to one mum, she acknowledged my concern, spoke with her daughter and got her to write an apology to mine. The other one is the girl I mentioned above who thought her daughter could do no wrong.

This girl and her mum will not change, I would gently distance yourself. As the saying goes, with friends like these, who needs enemies

I have had to do the whole they have drifted text to a really good friend. Ds and his best mate all the way through primary went to different secondaries and despite having phones rarely contacted each other. Roll round to friend's birthday in March the Mum texted me to say it would be a sleep over and Ds told me he didn't want to do it. They had met up twice since starting secondary and they didn't really have anything to talk about.

Our friendship drifted after that even though we were both still picking up our younger children from primary. I really wanted to keep the friendship with the Mum but couldn't force my child to spend time with someone they didn't want to.

I think you should address this now whilst you have the chance. Explain you have brought up issues before between her DD and your DD and you are aware that her DD gives a different account of the situation. However, that doesn't change your DD's perception of how it happened and because of this she is wanting to spend time with people she seems to get on with better.

I wouldn't say you want them still to be friends because why would you want to subject your DD to that behaviour? Definitely foster friendships with the nicer girls. You don't reward bad behaviour by still being their friend, they need to drift.

Take your own advice!
encouraging my daughter to focus on friends who don't make her feel bad

Don’t pander to that mom, they sound like main character types.

"(I can't really explain to the mum that my daughter is sometimes in tears because of hers, and that my daughter feels bad about herself a lot of the time because of what her daughter has said. And this girl claiming to see my daughter as her "BFF" doesn't change how she can make my daughter feel)"
Actually, you absolutely can explain this to her. She won't like the explanation and may go into denial about it, but that would be her problem and not yours.

"I have tried in the past but when I've raised things she'll say she'll speak to her daughter and then come back to me and say her daughter gave a different account and gives a reason to justify the behaviour - so I kinda gave up trying."
Like I said - denial, her problem not yours.

"I get on with the mum well and have expressed that my daughter still wants to be friends"
It sounds as if it would be in your daughter's best interests for them to drift apart. I hope your desire to remain friends with the mum doesn't override that.

I think if you have already raised it then all the more reason to just be honest.

"As I mentioned before, sometimes DD feels hurt by the things X does. I know we have talked about it previously and opinions differed but DD feelings about it haven't changed. X might not mean to hurt DD's with the things she says but they do upset DD."

Edited to add - you did give her a heads up of sort, by telling her her daughter was upsetting yours. She chose to deflect it.