To ask am I over sensitive or is he insensitive?

Nothing with with noticing someone is good looking, but going on about it to your own partner is crass and hurtful (before your BDD is even considered).

I had a boyfriend once who used to comment on how attractive and sexy other women were. In the end I snapped "why are you telling me? Go and tell her!" He said I was " jealous". Negging wasnt a word around then but it's what he was doing. He was gobsmacked when I dumped him.

I think I'd need to know how the conversation came up in the first place. If, for example, you were you asking him if he'd ever seen anyone as beautiful as some film star in real life and he said yes, then you can't really blame him; he was lured into it and was just being honest.
If he just randomly said to you one day that there is an incredibly beautiful woman in crete then that's another story, considering he knows your issues.

Regardless of body dysmorphia, it’s a bit odd to make a point of telling you some random woman is beautiful all the time, and to show you a picture.

I don’t have any issue with my boyfriend thinking other women are attractive, and I certainly notice other men; to me it’s very normal for people to notice and appreciate attractive members of the opposite sex. We’ve certainly had conversations about certain men and women being attractive - but always when it’s relevant to the conversation, if that makes sense. Eg we were talking about a friend of mine and I said “She’s really down on herself at the moment and she’s worried about being a bridesmaid for her sister because she says she’ll feel ugly compared to the other two” and my boyfriend said “That’s mad, she’s really pretty and she always looks amazing”. Or I was talking about a lower league footballer and I said “If he ends up at a Premier League club he’s going to get so many brand deals, he’s ridiculously hot, he looks like a model”.

But I wouldn’t come home and say “There’s a new bloke started in the Finance team at work and oh my god, he’s absolutely gorgeous” and my boyfriend wouldn’t do the equivalent.

I don’t think this is about your body dysmorphia. It’s a much deeper issue.

why is he telling you about this paragon of physical beauty?

You want other perspectives because the BDD makes it hard to trust your own judgment? Is that right? If so I can understand that.

If a man I was dating was talking about other women’s bodies, I would leave him. (Or men’s bodies if he was bi sexual.) Obviously some women might feel differently, but it would be a red line for me. Maybe if I knew someone really well and had a lot of trust, i might discuss how attractive we find other people - my partner and I might in a non sexual way say things like: so and so has such amazing eyes, or whatever, but never sexually.

You can have your own boundaries and it’s fine to expect a parter/love interest to take your BDD into account and part ways if he doesn’t.

I’m not bothered about my appearance but I would be annoyed if dh spoke about a women in his vicinity’s body in a sexual way or even if it was negative I would still judge him.
it’s not a nice thing to do. I’d question why he does this tbh he sounds insecure and like he gets a kick out of making you jealous

Then I would step away from romantic/sexual relationships in the interim.

Why has he got pictures of her? She's a random waitress and they're not even friends? Or he was snooping her SM?

Either way it's uncalled for and crass to say gushing compliments about other women to your girlfriend. And creepy AF really to be fixating on near strangers' physical appearance.

Any bloke who doesn't know or care that's the case is not worth your time.

I don't think it's something to worry about. I dare say he's way out of her league.

To answer your question though, I agree a bit of both. He's an insensitive twat, lusting after another woman and letting you know, especially as he's aware of your BDD. I think you're oversensitive too though if it makes you spiral if your DP makes these comments. I hope you get your therapy appointment before too long and that it helps you to deal with this.

I would dump someone for this.

I am a woman without BDD, and this would upset me and piss me off.

I don't think you're being sensitive at all. He's a prick. Get rid.

In that case you need to get some therapy/other help for it, as your reaction is not normal and not proportionate.

fine to be pissed off with your bf for perving over another woman, not fine to let it affect your self-esteem so badly!

Hi OP, I think what you are trying to ask is how much your upset may be about your BDD-related sensitivities, and how much of what has happened really reflects badly on your partner or gives you ‘real world’ reason to worry.

My instinct is it’s about 80-20 honestly.

in terms of your partner’s role, (the 20%) it is foolish of him to bring this up at all, considering what he knows about your sensitivities. And it sounds like he went into some detail (though I wonder if you pressed him to, and he essentially found himself digging himself deeper into a hole?). Now this 20% responsibility is pretty low, and I am basing that on the other info you have given about him- that he is caring that he has upset you and is trying to undo it, that he consistently gives you compliments and appreciates you, that there is no mention of him repeatedly upsetting you about other women….. and that your sensitivity/ BDD challenges have not grown or augmented generally by being with him… which suggest he is not the true source of the problem. It is always difficult to assess a one off event though. If contrary to what you have said, he routinely brings up other women, despite it repeatedly upsetting you, or he routinely puts you down (even subtly ie negging), and you find yourself more insecure with him than you felt before, then this would suggest he is the true source of the problem, is a bad partner for you, and your emotional health would be better without him. That becomes a LTB situation.

In terms of your role, you have already used the word ‘spiral’, and it does sound like your sensitivities/BDD are playing a big role here. It sounds like you are not able to hear/absorb all the good things he says, while extrapolating and being unable to let go of the concerning things. This can end up putting a partner in a situation that feels impossible…. I’ve experienced this a bit. It can feel like trying to constantly fill a bucket of the person’s self esteem…. Putting loads of good things in (caring treatment, attention, compliments), but it never gets full. There is a hole in the bottom of the bucket, and all the good stuff just pours through. Anything wrong/bad you say though, blows the hole bigger and the effects stay for ages…. Meaning you have to work ever harder at filling the bucket, and even the good stuff stops having any impact/being believed…. Do you think it’s possible this is the situation you are in now? What are the things you find work to help you take a breath, repair your own bucket, and start absorbing what is good?

if it is useful, I don’t see any objective reason for you to worry about this woman. There are plenty beautiful women in the world. You may be one of them and not realise. Or you may not be. But either way, your relationship goes far beyond that. It sounds (based on the information you have given), that it is loving and caring. I think the greater danger to the relationship is to get stuck in the leaking bucket situation.

I think focus on yourself right now with self care. He probably can’t help right now - the self regulation needs to come from you. What helps you when you start to spiral? What do you need to self regulate? Once you have refound your centre, you will be more empowered to see clearly what his role has been, decide what you want to do, and sort through it in terms of the relationship.

I hope this is useful.

He sounds like a creep. Why is he telling you all about how much he likes some random womans tits? Gross.

@Frankie47 whether you stay with this guy or not, you need to continue to address your body dysmorphia and work on confidence and self-esteem. Most people I know need mental stimulation in a relationship. You need to be able to hold conversation that you both find interesting and use your skills, intelligence & good humour. For all you know the lady in Crete may look stunning but because boring as crackers without cheese so dare to ask your partner what attracted him to you in the first place. The world is full of women who match their society's idea of beauty. It usually involves looks and it's unlikely to change any time soon so I'm sorry to say this but you need to change your view of yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship (write some complimentary notes about your personality and skills and stick them on your wardrobe) then tell yourself the right guy will love you for what you do and who you are. And before anyone says it...yes they are hard to find but there are a few...I found one.

Nobody’s asking you to become a doctor in order to comment but if an OP clearly states they have a disorder that you’re unfamiliar with, you could use the thread as an opportunity to learn about this particular disorder rather than an opportunity to sally in and drop a harsh and poorly informed opinion that’s unlikely to help the OP.

I’m neither a doctor nor a sufferer of BDD but I’ve been able to live a full and rewarding life while also managing to pick up enough basics about it to understand how it works.

THIS!!!

What kind of loser prattles on and on about other women in front of someone they're dating?! You deserve better.

I have never said this on MN before but, LTB!

You aren’t compatible.

He's right though, a relationship is about much more than looks.

Just tell him he’s being a bit of a creep and it’s putting you off.

I don't have body dysmorphia and would still be disgusted by my partner talking about what beautiful women he could look at all day.

If I did have body dysmorphia, I would be looking for a new partner.

I wouldnt want to listen to my partner describing the beauty of someone else while hes dating me.
Hes an sensitive pillock and should show some respect for the woman hes with

Why is he taking pictures of a local waitress??

creepy.

agree with those who’ve said you should dump him.

Bin him. He’s no good for you at all and doesn’t sound like a nice person, irrespective of your issues. You do need to build some self-confidence and you will if you work on it. Good luck.