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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

436 replies

Justpickitup · 11/05/2026 16:14

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:19

throwawayimplantchat · 12/05/2026 13:18

To protect your kids too isn’t it worth doing a sarah’s law check? I’m confused as to why you’ve ignored everyone suggesting this? What would be the down side of doing it?

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Because I didn’t know about it! I might consider it now

OP posts:
summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:19

Itsahardknocklifeforus · 12/05/2026 13:15

The OP appears to be just saying that as an easy way out of requesting the disclosure because she doesn’t want to admit to and now deal with something feeling off.’

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I don't know what to think anymore - but it's a complex issue and hopefully everyone will be safe going forward.

throwawayimplantchat · 12/05/2026 13:18

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:16

He just didn’t want to give up, look only I can
make this decision and I feel I have done every I can to protect myself, leave it now

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To protect your kids too isn’t it worth doing a sarah’s law check? I’m confused as to why you’ve ignored everyone suggesting this? What would be the down side of doing it?

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:18

TheSquareMile · 12/05/2026 13:17

@Justpickitup

Has he had long term relationships before, OP?

Does he have children too?

He hasn’t had a long term relationship ship and no he doesn’t have children.

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 12/05/2026 13:17

@Justpickitup

Has he had long term relationships before, OP?

Does he have children too?

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:16

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:15

Bloody hell.

So you know you have a potential stalker on your hands if you ask him for space? That changes things a bit.

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He just didn’t want to give up, look only I can
make this decision and I feel I have done every I can to protect myself, leave it now

OP posts:
Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:15

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:13

BUT you didn't just do it for no reason did you OP? You did it because of his clingy behaviour?

I think this is what people are struggling with. The person saying it's not a dating screening service is correct in that regard. You said that you had a gut feeling and you followed it up, which is fair enough. You now seem to be saying that you would be doing it with any potential future partner - but there needs to be some sort of reason for it, otherwise it's not being used for it's intended purpose.

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Just because he was clingy doesn’t mean he is dangerous but I wanted to know if I would have any repercussions if I ended the relationship.

Going forward I would do it, with anybody I thought would be long term so I could protect myself and my children early on if need be.

OP posts:
Itsahardknocklifeforus · 12/05/2026 13:15

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:13

BUT you didn't just do it for no reason did you OP? You did it because of his clingy behaviour?

I think this is what people are struggling with. The person saying it's not a dating screening service is correct in that regard. You said that you had a gut feeling and you followed it up, which is fair enough. You now seem to be saying that you would be doing it with any potential future partner - but there needs to be some sort of reason for it, otherwise it's not being used for it's intended purpose.

Show quote history

The OP appears to be just saying that as an easy way out of requesting the disclosure because she doesn’t want to admit to and now deal with something feeling off.’

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:15

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:11

I used it because when I asked for some space he didn’t like it and was constantly messaging me, it was probably because he really wanted to make it work but I had to check

Bloody hell.

So you know you have a potential stalker on your hands if you ask him for space? That changes things a bit.

throwawayimplantchat · 12/05/2026 13:13

Will you consider doing a Sarah’s Law check too @Justpickitupto put your mind even more at ease?

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:13

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:10

Yes absolutely if women were checking everybody they crossed paths with would be ridiculous but if somebody is considering a long term relationship with somebody new that involved children they should absolutely check a persons background, I think it is a responsible and proactive thing to do

BUT you didn't just do it for no reason did you OP? You did it because of his clingy behaviour?

I think this is what people are struggling with. The person saying it's not a dating screening service is correct in that regard. You said that you had a gut feeling and you followed it up, which is fair enough. You now seem to be saying that you would be doing it with any potential future partner - but there needs to be some sort of reason for it, otherwise it's not being used for it's intended purpose.

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:11

I used it because when I asked for some space he didn’t like it and was constantly messaging me, it was probably because he really wanted to make it work but I had to check

OP posts:
Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 13:10

Yes absolutely if women were checking everybody they crossed paths with would be ridiculous but if somebody is considering a long term relationship with somebody new that involved children they should absolutely check a persons background, I think it is a responsible and proactive thing to do

OP posts:
BlueberryMill · 12/05/2026 13:09

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

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She used it in exactly the way it is supposed to be used. She had concerns about his behaviour. It came back clear but she didn't know that beforehand which is why she did it. You don't have to wait til they get violent before using it.
I hope no one reading this is put off using it by you

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 13:07

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

that is so not true

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It's not untrue.

The fact an enquiry was made is recorded. In theory, it could show up on an enhanced DBS check if the local Chief Police Officer felt it was relevant to the role being applied for for which the enhanced DBS was necessary. It would be discretionary.

Whether it actually affected someone would be a different matter though. Probably not if there was nothing to disclose which would show up on a check anyway but it might raise questions as to what caused someone to make the enquiry.

bittertwisted · 12/05/2026 13:07

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

And?

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Do you have any understanding of the law? You can say ‘so’ all you like, but it’s not how it works

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:07

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

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I agree with you completely. I don't think this is what the OP did,so perhaps you're making the point more generally?

Sorry that you've been through that and hoping life is looking better for you now.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 12/05/2026 13:06

Fucking hell, some of you on this thread 🤢

Claire's Law is there to protect women who are dating men??

Well done OP - youve done the right thing and are protecting your children and yourself.

Noone has an issue with credit checks and DBS checks - but they have a problem with something that protects and gives women agency - theres a word for someone like that 🤔🤔🤔

Donald Trump GIF by Backhaus Verlag
Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:05

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

And?

Show quote history

AND my entire point is that the process shouldn’t be used causally, as a dating screening service.

It can have real consequences.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship that ended up with him receiving a custodial sentence, and I understand the importance of being safe and using your discernment, but it’s wrong to use the service to simply get the green light to go ahead with a new partner.

Celticgold · 12/05/2026 13:05

If your gut is telling you something is off I would trust it 100%. Move on you must be wary by doing what you have done.

BlueberryMill · 12/05/2026 13:05

OP did absolutely the right thing to protect her children and no one should be trying to guilt her about it

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:04

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

If it is confidential how the hell can they hold it against him?

Were you given the contact details of anyone that you met with this morning? As you've said upthread that you are thinking of mentioning it to him, it would be worth you checking with the police first, as to whether you are permitted to say anything about it. I don't know for sure but it rings a bell that the person in question is not supposed to be informed.

summerchild82 · 12/05/2026 13:02

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:00

It’s absolutely true. If he was to submit a Subject Access Request it would show that a Clare’s Law application was made against him. It wouldn’t show what was disclosed as part of that process, but it would show that an application was made.

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And?

Cherry8809 · 12/05/2026 13:00

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 12:55

that is so not true

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It’s absolutely true. If he was to submit a Subject Access Request it would show that a Clare’s Law application was made against him. It wouldn’t show what was disclosed as part of that process, but it would show that an application was made.

bittertwisted · 12/05/2026 13:00

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 12:11

We were theoretically allowed to discuss the Sarah's Law disclosure with the two people who were already aware of it prior to disclosure and who had been made aware that a disclosure was being made. But no one else.

If someone received nothing to disclose and then shared that with the person they'd enquired about, that person would already know there was nothing to disclose.

If a disclosure is made under Sarah's Law, the person is informed that an enquiry has been made and that a disclosure will he made and the nature of that disclosure.

I'd be curious as to whether the same was true of Clare's Law? I'd suspect not due to increased risk of violence.

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Gosh now I’m confusing the 2. Claire’s law absolutely not allowed to tell anyone. The disclosure is based on the premise that it is balancing the risk of harm to the requestor against the right to privacy of the subject

when you have a DBS you consent to your data being shared for intended purpose, there is no consent with a Claire’s law disclosure, and you agree not to share the disclosure request or outcome