AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

Yeah, just because you are paranoid, it does not mean they are not out there to get you!

I did a CL not so long ago, a few days or weeks later I was emailed (there was nothing to disclose) no need for a video call/meeting, ID etc. Are you sure there was absolutely nothing for them to disclose?

I wouldn't tell him you've referred to Clare's law regarding your concerns about him.

By letting him know he's in the clear, it gives him the green light to do all the things that scared you, because, well, no one else has complained, have they? It's not an issue. It's all your fault, it's all in your imagination.

Should he be so inclined to behave in such a way @Justpickitup

I brought up Sarah's Law on this thread because that was my experience. I've made it quite clear that experience was related to SL and not CL and I was unsure of the similarities/differences.

No one should be pushing the OP to do an Sarah's Law enquiry unless she feels she has reasons to be concerned in that respect.

She has had some really robust responses on here. Some of which have just been plain argumentative (as is the way of MN) but the vast majority have been designed to challenge her thinking around the reasoning for making her CL enquiry, what 'nothing to disclose' actually means and how she might proceed now.

Yes, it has been pointed out that SL is the one which could protect her children but only from a convicted child sex offender. And it doesn't replace your own instincts.

Just as CL can only tell her about DA that has been reported (I'm uncertain whether reports that were nfa'd are included).

Making an enquiry under either Law is neither compulsory nor a guarantee.

She doesn't need to make that enquiry if she doesn't want to.

OP, you’ve been asked many times if you are going to do a Sarah’s Law, but have not answered. Therefore, I assume the answer is no. It feels as if you are putting your relationship before your dc.

I agree. My extremely violent, coercive, controlling ex from 30years ago wouldn’t show up. He tried to kill me and is never allowed near me or my dc again. And sadly I know he wouldn’t show up as I was at the police station last year after being sent death threats towards myself and dc 25 years after the last time he saw me. They have a list of names and addresses for him over the last few decades but no prison sentence.

if something feels off in anyway either end relationship or slow it down. Do not introduce to children.

That's quite a revealing response...

Do you know him? If not, how do you know he’s “ok”?

This just shows the downside of this system. Just because his Clare’s Law check showed nothing doesn’t mean he’s ok.

But it really isn’t

@Justpickitup I applaud you for following your instincts and wanting to keep your family safe I would do the same if I felt a niggle too. I can see why you are nervous because it can be misinterpreted.

But if my partner told me after the event that they had checked me out in this manner, I would be gutted. I would imagine that the rational, intellectual side of his brain would say that he has done nothing wrong so has nothing to hide and she is protecting her children which shows she is a great mum. Indeed if you were his female friend and told me the scenario, he would likely say do this to set your mind at rest.

However if I were him, the emotional side of me would be questioning what it was about me that set the alarm bells ringing and what I did to raise this concern in you. It implies an element of distrust. Intellectually, I would accept it, emotionally I would struggle with it. Keep it to yourself.

You absolutely did the right thing, just don't discuss it with anyone. Keep it, file it and know your kids come first when bringing a new partner in your life. This facility is not to be used lightly, as a standard boyfriend vetting process, but when the itch comes, scratch it and follow your instinct.

Your thread title said you were scared. You talked about your gut instinct telling you there was something 'off' about him.

Those are your words to describe your feelings about him. You were genuinely concerned they would make a disclosure. You were worried about SS becoming involved.

There's a lot of confidence and bravado now that you have been told there's nothing on record but that doesn't erase what concerned you in the first place.

It's not about whether 'someone checked him out' and, no, I'd never ask that.

But I might wonder why someone didn't end it in the early days when they were concerned about his behaviour.

And maybe you did just jump the gun a bit but, as I said before, I'd end a new relationship where someone reacted like that to me wanting some space. I wouldn't care what his police record said. But that's because I actually think it is 'better to be safe than sorry'.

You are not aware that he hasn’t been convicted of anything because you didn’t do a Sarah’s Law application.

Do you think people giving you advice is “ridiculous”?

People are trying to help you.

Some have gone to the trouble of doing some research so that you know what your options are.

That’s because you are under the impression that you have done checks to safe guard your dc but you have not done the right application. You have not safe guarded your dc.

People are pointing that out because they want you to be able to safe guard your kids. Is that ridiculous?

the reason that I came to this thread was i genuinely thought they had something to disclose on the back of the email they sent

Based upon your own feelings of fear that prompted you to enquire in the first place.

People have only responded to what you have said.

Maybe it will just turn out to be a storm in a teacup but you seem to believe that nothing to disclose is synonymous with good man or a guarantee of his safety.

It's not.

I think the advice above to take a bit of time before taking the next step and introducing him to your children is wise because, regardless of what the police have on record, you were concerned enough by his behaviour to enquire.

People are just suggesting you exercise caution. That is all.

You did the right thing OP.

I was in an abusive relationship not long after splitting with my DC’s father. I wish I had gotten a check done and the person that was with him after me wishes she had too as he went in to abuse her child. It was a huge shock for me and I am now super careful even now my dc are grown up. If you feel somethings not right your gut is probably right…..even if the Clare’s law came back with nothing. Getting pushy when you don’t answer his messages or him getting grumpy when you can’t spend your time on him is a huge red flag.

She doesn't know that he's OK, though.

She only knows that he hasn't been convicted of anything previously.

It doesn't change the fact she was scared enough of him to ask in the first place.

That's the part she shouldn't be ignoring.

This thread is nuts!!
@Justpickitup im glad he’s ok, you can move on now.

And honestly, the fact that you thought it might be dangerous to break up with him really gives you all the information you need. You were scared of him. You can't be in a relationship with someone who frightens you, and you absolutely shouldn't be introducing them to your kids.

Sorry OP, it probably feels like a bit of a pile on. I think it's just that so many of us have been in these situations and can see the risks all too clearly. Just wanting to be sure you're not being naive. Give it some more time before you decide what to do. It will probably all become a lot clearer if you take a few weeks apart. We may all be wrong! Just don't rush to get back together.