AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

@Justpickitup i did a clares law check on my now husband when i met him. i also have kids and wouldnt introduce till i knew the outcome of the check. i also told him id done a check on him and was prepared to dump him on the spot depending on his reaction. you can never be too careful, you have done the right thing and the people on here questioning that are beyond weird. and if i ever find myself single again, it would be the first thing if i met a new man.

What are you talking about? You just responded to someone saying it's not for general vetting and you need to have an actual concern, with "they had a concern so you are wrong" . . . .

My response was accurate, because it was talking about OP wanting to do it just for the sake of it always to anyone.

All humans could including women who are covered by it, the law isn't that stupid
and you should have been told your application wasn't appropriate if you don't have an issue.

I couldn’t agree with this more. This check should not be done lightly. OP has said several times he hasn’t done anything wrong but was a bit clingy, but better now.

This law has saved the lives of vulnerable women against horrendous men. Millions of women and mothers are back on the dating scene after years, everyone will be hesitant and have reservations about men they date. I think it diminishes the work of the Police if everyone uses this service just to be on the safe side.

When I was single I would google the hell out of potential dates, I’d look at social media, work websites, companies house, you name it. You have to be vigilant - but this guy has done nothing wrong.

Haha, yep! Glad you could see the funny side :) x

You can't just go to the police and say "something feels a little bit off about this man, please could you use your valuable resources doing the background checks". You had a reason (the clingy behaviour) which warranted the checks being done.

I once went back to a date's house and in the morning he was wearing a spiderman dressing gown. I didn't phone the police in this situation!! I just never saw him again.

No one has disputed that.

All people are saying is that, when there are red flags, it's OK to end a relationship even if they've never been convicted of anything.

God, I've dumped loads of men (including one I really, really didn't want to!) because something felt a bit 'off' about him. I've never made an enquiry about anyone I've dated.

So he's a nearly 40 year old man who has never had a long term relationship?

I'm really pleased you've had that reassurance from SS and as I said earlier, they would have viewed what you did as a protective factor.

Hopefully you're keeping your relationship away from the children at this early stage, as you get to know more about him. You still haven't said if you have made any changes to your behaviour (i.e. being more available, not going out late etc) which have made him calm his neediness down. I expect you have, sadly.

You have a lot of advice here and people acting as a critical friend - which is likely to be coming from a lot of women who have experienced DA. A lot of DA work focuses around insight and although it might feel like a pile on, there's actually a lot of people who want you to be okay.

YANBU. I was so scared before mine and I was right to be to be honest. It’s not a nice call. But you can talk to them about what they disclose, I cried and I was shaking and the lady held my hand through the call. Luckily I never saw the person again. However, it can also be that there is nothing to disclose.

if you are so worried, please leave. The gut feeling may get stronger and you won’t be able to come back from that feeling. You’re better off without this anxiety.

Overly protective, needy, police record...

Come on, OP.

Excellent news, I am very pleased for you.

OP I think you did the right thing and can't understand the snarky comments.

I have done a claire's law and it came back clear but the police person I spoke too did gently explain to me that we should listen to our instincts and that it's right to be cautious in new relationships when we have doubts or concerns.

The person I did the claire's law check on, I ended things anyway. I did later find out he'd been charged with drunk driving and banned from driving (he hadn't told me and had been asking to drive my car and I'd refused). And that he HAD been an abusive partner in the past, but had never been charged with anything. They can only tell you about "relevant" charges that they've been found guilty of.

I think it's wise to have new partners checked.
I think it's even wiser to wait as long as possible before introducing them to our children, and then even longer again before moving in together etc.