AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

Oh dear 😔

All this an just a couple of months in.

Life is too short!

This. You’ve been together 3 months and you feel the need to do this? This is the honeymoon phase and something feels off. Why don’t you end it?

Good luck.

I hope you can see that (most) people are on your side in this. Whether they are the people saying every woman should check every man she dates in this way; or the people saying it's OK to dump someone regardless of previous partners' experiences of him if it doesn't sit right with you.

You're trying to look out for yourself and your children, and that's all any of us can do at the end of the day.

I just hope all those posters saying it would be madness for any woman to not check also understand that nothing to disclose doesn't necessarily mean that a man is safe.

He hadn’t done anything wrong except the giant flashing “I’m controlling” neon sign when he started with his clingy behaviour, multiple messages, refusal to leave you alone when you asked and emotional manipulation (“I’m worried you’ll cheat on me if you go out”)? Bollocks will that be the last time he behaves like this. The Clare’s law is neither here nor there, but his behaviour would be enough for most people to see the red flags and dump him.

They were legitimate concerns because you had them. You've shared those concerns and other people agreed that they were legitimate concerns. No one has told you that you over reacted by being concerned about his behaviours. All of that makes them legitmate. In fact, even if everyone else had told you his behaviour was completely normal, your concerns were still legitimate.

They haven't lost their legitimacy because you've since discovered he hasn't been convicted of anything.

What you mean is that they haven't been validated by the police check. And that's different.

I'm not saying this to argue with you. I'm not looking for you to say, "Shit, you're right! How could I have been such a fool!" I just hope that what you will take from this thread is that it's OK for you to have concerns even if no one else shares them.

Just don't let this lull you into a false sense of security where you dismiss, overlook or forgive any future dodgy behaviours just because he has never been convicted of a crime against a partner in the past.because that is all 'nothing to disclose' means - that he has never been reported/convicted in the past.

And that would be the same for any of us.

Hi OP, you did the right thing. More women should be doing this as a matter of routine, especially when the male will have contact with her dcs.

After you had the call, can you tell us how it went? It will be good to know what is involved in making a Clare's Law request, do you need grounds for making a request, what the police will tell and what they do not.

Yeah, I know it's really hard to find someone you like, you're right.

You might not just end it but I would. And, even if I really didn't want to, I still would. And if I'd ever thought this is someone I'm not sure about having around my children for any reason, I would then too.

So, no, I don't think I should have because, if I'd had concerns about someone I was dating, it wouldn't have made any difference to me whether someone else had also had concerns about them or even whether they'd been convicted.

I was capable of making a decision about that on my own and did.

They never asked me. I simply told them I’d met a new man and before I introduced my kids to him, needed to know he wasn’t a wrong’un. There were no red flags, I just had to know and I would do it with any man I met

Bloody hell OP raise your bar.

You’ve got kids to think about but you’re more interested in getting your fanny wet.

There are a million other men out there or just be single until you find one that isn’t flying so many red flags after only a few months.

So did the police not ask your reasons for wanting a check? Are they willing to do one if there is no concern about the person’s behaviour? Can/did you just say “I’m dating this man and I want a Clare’s Law check done” and they’ll do it?

Jesus, you're being a bit of a dick on here now, you know!

Why should I?

I haven't needed to.

I've been very selective about who I dated, didn't introduce anyone to my children until they were mid/late teens and dumped anyone who seemed a bit 'off' for any reason.

What I haven't done is had concerns and been scared of someone but then thought it was all OK because they've never been convicted of a DV offence agaijst someoke else (if you want to play at that game... 🙄)

If anyone had scared me enough that I wanted to do a police check on him, he wouldn't be coming anywhere near my kids. It would have been the end as soon as he started with that behaviour.

Take it from someone who knows. It's not worth the risk.

Genuinely frightening that some women wouldn’t have this check done even when there’s no red flags. Genuinely shocked. People lie and a lot are never who they say they are so I would never chance it.

And I definitely would use it to vet ANY man I met that would be coming into my life.