AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

There's always one.

Hahaha starting an argument 🤔🤣

I agree with OP’s actions. But if you read the thread correctly, you will see loads of posters have berated her for making the application. It’s odd that you haven't seen a SINGLE person say this.

The OP seems to be responding to people warning about her boyfriend's behaviour as though they are criticising her for doing the request. I think that's just cope, tbh. She is overriding her gut instinct on the basis that there's no evidence of him committing a crime.

To be absolutely clear, there's nothing wrong with doing a Clare's Law request. But OP initially said it was because his behaviour was controlling and she was worried it might be dangerous to break up with him. But now she's been reassured that he isn't a criminal, she is happy to ignore the behaviour that scared her in the first place and triggered making the request.

I think most pp are simply saying, listen to your own instincts, protect yourself and your kids. Not that she shouldn't have done the request, but that it's not enough, it hasn't made them safe.

No, this is batshit:

"or at least implied it"

Were you following this thread yesterday? Have you RTFT? The OP has had loads of support - and because she started off by saying she had a bad feeling about his clingy behaviour, many people said it was a good thing she did, as she listened to her gut.

Are you trying to start an argument?! How odd.

There’s loads that have said that .. or at least implied it. Maybe you have read a completely different thread 🤔

I haven't seen a SINGLE person say she shouldn't have requested the disclosure? If there was the odd one I've missed then fair enough - but you seem to have read a completely different thread?!

Yes.

Exactly. And yet you have seen this man behave in a scary way, and decided that's fine? You're doing exactly what you say - putting yourself in a position where it's going to be too late.

Brilliantly stated - I agree 100%

Also suggest some basic due diligence via internet searches of their name and locations they say they’ve lived or places they’ve worked, with words like ‘abuse’, ‘attack’, ‘complain’, ‘crime’, ‘police’, ‘court’, ’order’. Harder if they have a common name.

And hold of introducing a stranger from online to DC for as long as possible and not until you’ve met their family and friends a few times.

@Justpickitup just keep your wits about you, i think that's what posters are trying to say. Many have seen this type of clingy behaviour and what it can turn into. I would ask yourself whether youd be ok with your daughter dating this man.

My now ex had been in some sort of court ordered anger programme so he told me later that I had to speak to them. I had no clue about this till he told me, we hadnt been dating long. The woman explained the case he'd been involved in, and I feel she was trying to warn me off subtly. Stupid naive me just fell for his stories that he'd not wanted his ex to go to court/suffer so he did the programme. To cut a long story short, he took that anger out on me when he had gotten entwined in my life and it was terrifying. I wish id walked away at the time.

Relationships would have been the right place to post this. Lots of knowledge and support there.

Quite surprised to read that SS will be in touch just because you've done a Clare's Law check? SS ordinarily actively encourage every mother getting into a new relationship to do one - this is seen as safeguarding your children. Even without a single red flag or suspicion, they normally like mothers to do a Clare's Law check on a new partner?

Because it's my job.
And there is no radar. I don't know what people mean when they say that. Social services only actively work with people when there is an open assessment or plan. Just having a record on their files doesn't mean anything. It's not like there is any 'monitoring' of children who have been referred with no further action. And it's true that the vast majority of referrals don't result in intervention. Most of them don't meet the threshold for more than a quick check in call and scan of the records.

OP, do bear in mind that there not being anything to disclose doesn't mean he's not violent. Many incidents are never reported.

All you can do is take things very very slowly. This is also a good way to weed out any control issues.

Oh OP don’t feel guilty. Well done - no harm in checking

Making this post separately from my other one, because it is not a criticism of the OP, it's about my concerns about this thread, and it being posted in AIBU with a poll.

I am worried when I see a woman asking for help from Mumsnet on the AIBU section of the forums, and submitting her concerns to a social media voting poll. I think this suits more frivolous rants, not the more serious stuff. Entertainment, not really serious stuff as a spectator sport. Reading a little of this thread, I wanted to start a thread: AIBU for thinking this section of Mumsnet is weird, and sometimes much worse? AIBU for thinking the AIBU section is Unreasonable?

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you're not being unreasonable to be concerned, to have made the request, to be nervous about it

I also don't think you're being unreasonable to want advice or support on this.

Is there a place on Mumsnet where the OP could get better advice or support? Is there a service where women can get real life advice on this, before or after a Clare's Law disclosure call?

No, OP, it was because he doesn't believe that your "no" means "no".

Can I ask how you know this? If true, it would be quite worrying that the vast majority of complaints to SS go nowhere to such an extent that they are “not even on a radar”.

Read this to yourself again.

You asked for space
He didn’t like it = He didn’t respect your thoughts or opinions and didn’t follow a perfectly reasonable request
He kept messaging you = did not comply with the wish for space and kept contacting you and hounding you

You didn’t finish it - shark cage checked and bumped and dented and you are still with him.

My DH has never ever done anything to makes uncomfortable and has respected what I have said 100%. Eg I need some space would have been ok 👍 hear you and I’m giving you space. The fact you needed to ask is not a good point. The fact that he refused would have been enough for me to end it.
My ex had a clean record upstanding member of the community highly respected. He still hit me. I have a hospital and police report he didn’t get charged though - not ‘enough’ apparently (2015) and nothing on his record and no charges - doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Crimes are not reported and a clear record doesn’t mean he is a nice man and perfect partner.

No apologies here this is straight from the internet- The "Shark Cage" metaphor, developed by psychologist Ursula Benstead, is a framework designed to empower individuals—particularly in relationships with controlling or uncooperative partners—to set firm boundaries, or "bars," to ensure their safety and respect. When a man in a relationship does not do what is asked, particularly regarding boundary-setting or basic respect, it can indicate a "bumping" of the cage, or a breach of these essential safety bars.

What an odd reply.

You said SS would have no interest in it but you were proven wrong because they had to ring her.

And any phone call SS make they must make a log of.
Just like the police will have made a log of the Claire’s law request.

I do think, I think about this stuff for 40 hours a week for a very nice salary. Yes she got a call as is routine. There is still no 'radar' and nobody will be following anything up. Social services receive thousands of contacts a month. The vast majority go nowhere. Not even on a radar.

I haven’t read all your replies but you mentioned a gut feeling. Don’t ignore it.

Perhaps you should ‘think!’

She’s already had a call from them today and so there will already be a note on their system.