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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

436 replies

Justpickitup · 11/05/2026 16:14

So I did a Clare’s law request on a guy I have been seeing for a few months. I’ve never felt the need to do this before but I just had a gut feeling. He is quite protective and needy. Anyway I did it and now I have to have a video call as they are ready to disclose? I’m really really scared.

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · 12/05/2026 08:10

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 08:09

I’m just a bit worried that they Inform social services as everything I did was to make sure I was protecting them.

If they think you will put your kids at risk in order to have a boyfriend, they may well do. If you stop seeing him, they’ll have nothing to report, will they?

Swiftie1878 · 12/05/2026 08:10

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 08:09

I’m just a bit worried that they Inform social services as everything I did was to make sure I was protecting them.

You’ve acted exactly as you should have done. Even if Social Services do look at you, you’ll be fine.

IMightNotGoToWorkTodayIMightNotGoAgainTomorrow · 12/05/2026 08:09

I also agree that you should end the relationship regardless.

I've never felt the need to make a Claire's Law request on someone I was seeing and, if I'd ever felt like I should, I would have ended it anyway.

Even if there is nothing on record for this man, it doesn't negate the warning signs you've already noticed.

You don't owe him a relationship and surely you want more for yourself than dating a man you are already concerned about after a matter of weeks?

Holdinguphalfthesky · 12/05/2026 08:09

How are you doing after it?

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 08:09

I’m just a bit worried that they Inform social services as everything I did was to make sure I was protecting them.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 12/05/2026 08:09

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 08:08

I have had the call.

Show quote history

And? Are you OK?

Holdinguphalfthesky · 12/05/2026 08:09

Goatsarebest · 12/05/2026 08:03

Yes, gut feelings have been proved over and over to be a very powerful protective mechanism. Nobody needs to have to explain or rationalise them to anybody, even themselves.

I wish society made it easier to act on them.

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 08:08

Goatsarebest · 12/05/2026 08:03

Yes, gut feelings have been proved over and over to be a very powerful protective mechanism. Nobody needs to have to explain or rationalise them to anybody, even themselves.

I have had the call.

OP posts:
Goatsarebest · 12/05/2026 08:03

Yes, gut feelings have been proved over and over to be a very powerful protective mechanism. Nobody needs to have to explain or rationalise them to anybody, even themselves.

SixLeggedSugarBug · 12/05/2026 07:58

OP, I hope today goes ok for you and I am just going to gently agree with the others here that say you should consider ending this relationship regardless.

You are already back tracking and excusing this man, you have gone from having a gut feeling, something is off, needy and protective (controlling) to he’s not done anything it’s just in case before he meets my children.

Throw this one back and trust your gut.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 12/05/2026 07:56

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 07:23

It isn’t something I would so as a rule no and probably wouldn’t have done it if my children weren’t on the scene but I haven’t dated since my marriage and it just felt like the right thing to do.

Bear in mind that you’re allowed to end a relationship for no reason at all. I don’t say that to be patronising, but I know for myself and other posters on here, if the bloke wasn’t doing things that were objectively awful, I sort of felt like I wasn’t allowed to end things because I didn’t have a good reason. M
i’ve come a long way since then thankfully but it took a lot of work.

GalaGown · 12/05/2026 07:44

Do you have support around you OP?

SlumChum · 12/05/2026 07:41

Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 07:23

It isn’t something I would so as a rule no and probably wouldn’t have done it if my children weren’t on the scene but I haven’t dated since my marriage and it just felt like the right thing to do.

Well done for taking the initiative and following your gut. I don't really care why a woman makes a Claire's Law request, it's a briliant facility to have and we should all use it as and when we feel we need to.

Original poster
Justpickitup · 12/05/2026 07:23

It isn’t something I would so as a rule no and probably wouldn’t have done it if my children weren’t on the scene but I haven’t dated since my marriage and it just felt like the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 12/05/2026 00:00

Realistically, women make this application for 2 reasons:

1). Because they always do, in the same way as people get a std check. It's part of their basic due diligence, and nothing to do with the guy in question.

  1. because this specific guy is making them suspicious enough to check.

If it falls with 2, which it clearly does here, surely at the point you have that concern, you should be considering leaving the relationship anyway. No one should stay in a relationship where they feel uneasy enough for this to be a genuine worry

FlyMeToJupiter · 11/05/2026 23:42

TiredOfTheShitShow · 11/05/2026 19:23

Just to say well done for following your instinct and being so proactive. Ignore the judgey crew. You’re doing the right thing.

I think the “judgy crew” are just finding it hard to comprehend why OP is so seriously worried that she’s going to be told her boyfriend has a violent history that she can’t sleep (so is presumably worried about the consequences of this ie doesn’t feel she could easily get away from him if she found out he does) but despite this isn’t immediately planning to ditch him.

I can’t imagine staying with a man who made me feel scared.

NattyQuail · 11/05/2026 23:16

I did one for the last dick I saw and that was before I found out he told me a pack of lies. An absolute horror of a covert narc.

The police had nothing on him in the end, but that doesn't mean he didn't do anything, just that it was never reported.

Always trust your gut.

TheHillIsMine · 11/05/2026 20:30

TheHillIsMine · 11/05/2026 18:01

You do seem defensive so a bit sure what you wanted from this thread.

Hopefully you've gathered I meant unsure..

ThatLilacTiger · 11/05/2026 20:22

hurtandconflicted · 11/05/2026 16:56

you have absolutely done the right thing and from the email it seems like they have something to share. My 18 year old DD did one recently and although he didn’t have any convictions they shared some details regarding an allegation made about him so that she could decide to continue seeing him or not. It was a hard no from her and hopefully if they share something it will be the same for you. Try not to worry

Sensible young woman, good for her looking after and advocating for herself.

TiredOfTheShitShow · 11/05/2026 19:23

Just to say well done for following your instinct and being so proactive. Ignore the judgey crew. You’re doing the right thing.

Happyjoe · 11/05/2026 19:02

Op, you've had a funny feeling, enough to apply to C.L. This should be enough for you to step away from this man? It's not worth a risk, it really isn't.
Go easy, be safe.

plims · 11/05/2026 19:00

RoseField1 · 11/05/2026 18:31

Protective and needy are palatable ways of saying controlling and manipulative. Well done for recognising it. They won't arrange a video call with you to tell you there's nothing to share. Please get your head around the fact that you need to end it with him, regardless of what they disclose to you.
ETA I googled it - some police forces will arrange an appointment to share no info which surprised me, my local force tells you by email if there is nothing to tell.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, I had a video call in exactly the same way as OP and there was nothing to disclose. I think some forces are just really strict on ensuring they are speaking only to the right person.

Happyjoe · 11/05/2026 19:00

Lulu89x · 11/05/2026 16:36

Well done for making the application. Goodluck. Whatever the outcome is, please consider it carefully. There was a reason why you have requested this and you should trust your gut.
The last guy I dated appeared amazing but a little controlling and possessive. Turns out he stripped and beat his ex wife. She fled back to her home country and he convinced her to drop the case against him. They told me what he was accused of and the result was no further action. I was stupid and believed his story that he caught her cheating. My karma was he ended up hitting me too.

It's not your karma. You were kind, trusted him. This is 100% his fault. x

Miyagi99 · 11/05/2026 18:48

Justpickitup · 11/05/2026 17:25

Would they send that email though if there was nothing to disclose?

No, they’d call anyway.

Pearlstillsinging · 11/05/2026 18:47

I'm not sure why you feel scared. The police will be supportive of you, whatever the result of their research.
I could understand why you might feel anxious that there could be a decision to be made but scared?
Anyway, if there is no info for them to disclose, please don't feel that you must continue in the relationship if you would prefer not to do so.

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