AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

My second abusive situation was before Clare’s Law. When the police came to my house, I overheard some stuff through their radios about him, and it was basically a situation where they’d been called before, with his ex, but his behaviour hadn’t met the threshold for an arrest. However it was there on a record of some kind. I would always say report anything that’s off, because even if NFA is taken, it’s recorded. All these things can create a picture which might be useful to another woman.

Doing the checks is like using condoms in a new sexual relationship- a sensible precaution- and any man who was offended or anything other than understanding about it would be straight in the bin for me.

@UncannyFanny i don’t think it’s because posters are drama llamas, I think it’s because so many of us ended up in abusive relationships because we overrode our gut instincts, or ignored/didn’t recognise red flags. I ended up in two abusive relationships because I hadn’t done enough work after the first one. We’re concerned for other women, not on a mission to make every woman stay single forever.

If you need to end it, do not go to his home to do it. Make sure you are in a safe neutral place.

I’m also curious about what it does and doesn’t bring up tbh. I know someone who was in a dodgy relationship for a while and she reported her ex partner because he’d essentially been stalking her following the end of the relationship.

He’d drive alongside her as she walked to work in the morning pretty much daily and would shout things at her/beep his horn. He’d sometimes turn up at her house and just sit there in his car, post notes through her door, call her from phone boxes/other peoples phones because she’d blocked him etc. One day he went a step further and jumped her from behind, almost knocking her over. He played it off like it was a joke but he got her in a chokehold almost and forced her up the street for a while so she couldn’t escape.

She called the police at that point and they questioned him but no further action was taken as CCTV hadn’t picked the incident up so it was his word against hers. He left her alone after that but I’m just wondering if that sort of thing would come up?

You were right to put the request in OP and I’m glad nothing came up but I do think the relationship is over, he gives you the heebies and you don’t trust him.

It's a process and once it has been triggered, it has to be seen through to the end. There have been too many women and childen killed for them to say, "Oh well, she had concerns but he's never been convicted of anything and he's toned it down a bit now anyway, so it's all good!" Because they understand how abusive men work.

It also doesn't mean he is abusive or a risk.

It's not personal to you.

I've already explained why they do it, what it will entail at most and why you don't need to worry.

But I don't know him or you.

To speculate, they might have legitimate concerns that you carried on seeing a man you were concerned enough about to ask and then continued a relationship with but you will also be able to explain that.

Tbh, if I'd felt concerned enough to make an enquiry about someone whose involvement in my life I was fully in control of, I'd have ended the relationship not checked it was ok for me to continue seeing them regardless. They will just want to make sure that, if the concerning behaviour re emerges, you will also end it and not just accept it.

So, what are you going to do about the “something off that I needed to check on, I couldn’t put my finger on”?

Do NOT feel guilty. You have a gut feeling about him and you have done the right thing absolutely whatever the outcome.

OP it is totally understandable that after over 20 years you would be cautious of dating again, especially as social media has come along way since then and we hear more negative stories. Maybe there really isn't anything wrong with this guy but you are just not ready yet. Could you slow the relationship down a little (or though it does sound like he has listened to you).
I really understand what you are going through in a way as I am recently widowed after 40 years marriage and the idea of dating again scares me. That, and all the scammer stories that weren't around years ago.

Just be mindful that there are people on here who will stop at nothing and I do mean nothing, to convince you there are ‘red flags’ all over it and how you should absolutely end your relationship because they are only here for the drama. Usually they are the ones who aren’t actually in relationships themselves and will look for any tiny thing to find wrong in anyone else’s relationship.

You like him, you now know there was nothing to worry about and at this point he just sounded a bit insecure in a new relationship. You already raised that and he listened and calmed down. Good luck and enjoy your new found happiness. You’ll know by instinct if there ever does become a time to be cautious x

The biggest problem with Clare's law is that it as soon as it comes back as negative, women who were rightly concerned by partner behaviour, suddenly dismiss the warning signs and thing he must be okay. Clare's law only works if the perpetrator has been reported. Some women will just end the relationship and say nothing. Also every dangerous man has a first victim. OP you have children, don't downplay your gut feeling. Even though nothing has been disclosed - there was something significantly off about the way he behaved that made you do the application in the first place (we shouldn't normalise this - Clare's law is important, but something is clearly wrong if a woman feels the need to use it). Your gut is telling you that something is off, don't let the fact that he hasn't been reported yet, fool you into thinking that its all fine.

Trust your instincts. He behaved in a way that made you feel he may not be a safe person. That isn't changed by the fact that he isn't known to the police. Of course he changed when you told you weren't happy with his behaviour. Dangerous men do that. Throw this one back. You and your children deserve better.

I'm not going to say what it was because I can't.

It was serious but there wasn't 'all that SS involvement', it was a standard one meeting Initial Assesment and we were told the SW would recommend the case be closed at the end of it. It was the lowest level, first stage of SS involvement and completely standard in the circumstances.

She had to go back to her office and discuss it with her TM, who agreed to close and we received paperwork a few weeks later confirming that.

Yes. She was fully aware of it all and always had been. She is still with him now. She hasn't seen her childen or grandchildren since 2012 and never will again.

OP no one owns us ever. Clingy to me is controlling. If you can't be frank with him then forget him. I've been married nearly forty years and my DH would never overstep the mark. If your family asked you to check him out they're worried. I'd ask that person why they thought you should do a check. Also be careful around female DC and new men. The stats for targeting single women with daughters are high (25%?).

I just want to add my two cents. Just because there was nothing to disclose, I'd still tread carefully. Your gut is a powerful tool.

guilty until proven innocent is a legitimate way to safeguard vulnerable people. It’s why people working with children and other vulnerable groups need a DBS beforehand.

put it to the back of your mind op
carry on if you trust him

Surely the end result is always going to be the same, there is something and it is over, or there isnt and no man in their right mind is going to stay after finding out someone requested it - unless they really do have something a bit strange about them just not on record yet.

Seems simpler to just safely end the relationship than waiting and it fall apart either way, if you suspect something.

Well done OP. Also do not feel guilty, keep trusting your gut and remember there wasn’t a disclosure due to the factor he has not had contact with police re. DV , that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something off about him, or that he couldn’t be controlling etc. Of course he could just maybe the police are not yet aware.

OP, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You were doing as much as possible to keep your children safe. A sensible course of action before introducing a new man to them, imho.

So much for your assumptions. Guilty until proven innocent?