AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

It’s a great thing sure, but it can’t tell you if he’s ever been abusive or controlling or violent or a sex offender even. It just tells you he hasn’t been caught or his previous partners were too scared to go to the police. I think it’s important people remember that and don’t assume a ‘nothing to disclose’ result means the person is safe. If your gut is telling you there’s something off listen to it, it’s there for a reason. It’s good he’s toned down his clinginess but he’s ‘masking’ now to keep you happy. The reality is that clingy is who he is and he won’t be able to keep up ‘masking’ forever. The mask will slip when he gets more comfortable with you and he’ll become clingy again, which leads to controlling and jealous behaviour. I wouldn’t continue a relationship with someone who I didn’t 100% feel I could trust

How long have you been dating this person? So long you know that even if he is a DV abuser he may not been reported before. I would said do not worry about having that meeting you did the right thing, it is what is there for.

Don’t be a dick.

It absolutely is a free vetting service for ANY woman who has concerns in a relationship, or any woman who is entering a relationship with concerns and has children that she is prioritising and protecting.

The expectation is actually that people will end a relationship if they have concerns.

It's not really there to just check everyone you date. It's not a quick look up on the computer. It's a background check that the person being enquired about hasn't consented to.

So, when we enquired, we had to give a valid reason for doing so. I don't know about Claire's Law. Did you? What did you say?

I am curious about one thing, before the disclosure was made to us, the person was contacted, told that an enquiry had been made and that a disclosure would be made as a result. Is that the same under Claire's Law?

No it isn't.

https://www.justicedirectory.co.uk/blog/clares-law-uk-your-comprehensive-guide-to-domestic-abuse-disclosure

"Who Can Use Clare's Law? Eligibility and Relationships"

" The scheme is specifically intended for those who are in, or are considering entering, a relationship with someone who may have a history of domestic violence or abuse. This includes:

• Current Partners: Individuals in an ongoing romantic relationship with someone they suspect has an abusive past."

It is for when you have a reason. It is not a free for all criminal check on anyone you might want to start a relationship with.

If more women did this perhaps there would be fewer assaults and murders for the police to deal with, using far more resources than some admin time making checks and call backs.

What time is your call,

I don’t understand why you are ignoring the fact that you felt that something was “off” with him?

@Justpickitup I think you are confused tbh.

We have three boys, we’ve been “referred” to SS at least twice that I’m aware of. Only once, when I had suicidal ideation” did they get in contact and that was merely by phone.

At the time all three children were at different schools and they had already contacted the schools to check on the children and all were well cared for and obviously loved. So there was no further action.

Accidents will have been reported but no contact was ever made to us. If SS do get in touch it will merely to check if you feel
safe and if they can offer any support.

You weren't just looking for reassurance though or asking to be on the safe side, you asked because you felt something was off. And your earlier posts indicated that you were worried about receiving a disclosure.

I'm sure it was a huge relief to realise there was nothing to disclose! Of course it would be.

It might be that you're just a little cautious having been single for so long, he was a little over enthusiastic at the start and actually there's nothing to worry about.

It might be that they've said nothing to disclose and you're feeling so much relief and (unnecessary) guilt that you're erasing or minimising your previous concerns as a result.

It might be that he realises you were concerned and has just pulled his mask up a bit higher for now.

No one can know for sure.

But you can't be upset that asking triggered a valid legal process that is now being carried out because that was the process you entered into by asking.

When we made the Sarah's Law enquiry, we were informed of the whole process before we started to make sure we were happy to proceed and warned it would uncover any skeletons in our own closets. Because the police didn't know us either!

It's not personal.

@Justpickitup lol. It isn’t your free personal vetting service you know , for every bloke you happen across and may consider dating …

So the facts are he is clingy and needy and ‘REALLY’wants the relationship to work. So much so, you had to ask him to tone it down. Oh and he’s ‘protective’ too?

come on OP. He doesn’t need to have been arrested to be controlling and suffocating.

you want to put your kids first? Then do it. Normal, nice men are not protective and needy. You’re literally weeks in to a relationship and he’s displaying these traits.

you sound quite vulnerable to me. Take a step back, ditch this man and put your children first. I suspect you’ll carry on seeing him but the bigger picture here isn’t the ‘innocence’ with the police, it’s him being OTT in a very new relationship

proceed at your own risk..

Have you had a conversation with your family about why they suggested you requested a disclosure on him?
I understand you did it as a precaution but it seems family are seeing something worrying and unlikeable about him too?

And are you going to ask them if they are happy from the start for you to check?

It isnt there for your personal checking service. It is actually an abuse of the system to use it to try and check people for the sake of it even if you are in a relationship with someone, or just due to normal relationship issues. You are suppose to have a reason to believe they might have been abusive in the past or might be a danger to you. And the police will not be happy if you tried to just vet partners for the sake of it. And if you start lying to do it, that ironically makes you the one with the red flag partners need to know.

People put too much faith in the outcome of Claire’s Law application. All the police can disclose is what they know, so if no one has reported him then it comes back clean - but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is a safe person given how few women feel able to report domestic abuse. If you have had a bad feeling about him, then you should continue to be at least a little wary until you have seen more of his behaviour.

But it is silly to feel guilty. He gave you reason to worry and it is much worse to ignore that and potentially put yourself and children at risk of harm than to take pro-active steps to check the situation. If - and very much an if - social services contact you, they will recognise that you did the right thing in checking because you want to keep your children safe.

I told DP when I did one for him - he was fine with this!

I’m so glad this is something that is available today and grateful to the family that pushed for this law.

My sister was in a relationship with an older man in her late teens and he did end her life. It turns out he had severe mental health problems and had been arrested before in a previous relationship. We found out after my sister died that she had previously called the police on him about 6 months before she died for choking her during an argument but other than seeing the police report we had no idea this had happened. She was only 19.
I don’t know what the regulations are these days but I hope it’s not as easy to just these incidents be filed away so family are unaware until it’s too late.

Agreed. You did the right thing. Found out nothing and now you can rest assured. Well done x