AIBU to feel scared ahead of a Clare's Law disclosure call?

That’s a bit harsh. I’ve just read the entire thread and some posters have been really helpful and obviously don’t want you or your kids to end up being hurt.

Edit: I see you’ve apologised 👍

Thank you for apologising. I can't comment on whether you have applied for the "wrong" sort of disclosure, because from my experience in SS it is Clare's Law that is suggested within safeguarding meetings - perhaps because it's more accessible. I don't know the rationale for why multiagency professionals (including the police) tend to favour Clare's Law.

The fact is, you were proactive and that shows that you care. That's really positive.

I think you've left some unanswered questions around why you are now suggesting he had done "nothing wrong" when he triggered your gut instinct to request the disclosure in the first place. I would also wonder whether his behaviour has improved because you have made changes to your own behaviour to keep the peace - but perhaps you don't want to answer that.

Hopefully you can see that those saying it isn't a checking service are responding to things you have said, laterly, now that you know that his Clare's Law disclosure is clear. You didn't do it routinely; you were prompted to do it by his behaviour.

Please don't see people trying to help you as being an attack. I'm sure some responses haven't been pleasant to read and that comes with the territory of posting on here, unfortunately. The vast majority of responses fundamentally have your best interests at heart.

Hopefully you can understand that by posting this, it's also brought up feelings for people and their own experiences - which may explain why some of the responses are coming from people who have experienced abusive behaviour. It's actually quite a traumatic subject and hopefully you can see why some people are questioning your shift in reasoning.

Sorry for the essay. Honestly do wish you well.

OP, you haven’t done everything that you can to protect children. Kindly, is there a reason you are refusing to acknowledge that you have not done the right check? You are being evasive and that is concerning.

Respectfully, those of who you think are not ‘normal’ are trying to help you.

You want to protect your DC. People are pointing out that you haven’t actually applied for the right disclosure, and so you have no idea if he is a sex offender.

They have also tried to empower you to listen to your own gut feelings when you said that you felt something was ‘off’ about him.

An echo chamber in which people simply agree with you is not helpful in a situation like this.

Many people have said it was reasonable to enquire.

Some people have cautioned against dropping your guard and explained the limitations of the 'nothing to disclose' as a way of further trying to help you safeguard yourself and your children which is all you were trying to do in the first place. Not as a way of villifying this man or criticising you.

Some have corrected your misunderstanding about what it is you were actually enquiring about and what could be disclosed.

Some have made you aware of a parallel law you had no knowledge of.

Some people have shared personal experiences.

You've even had the SS element explained to you in detail.

Those are all 'normal' and supportive replies to you.

But a facile response about a stranger being proud of you (sorry, oncemorewithsome) is the only one you see any value in?

Oof, that stings a bit! Not sure what you mean by "normal" but plenty of people have praised you for requesting the disclosure and putting your children first. This post comes across as ungracious, whether you meant it that way or not.

I don’t think you need to disclose this to him tbh.

I wonder if the police note it and if they get numerous requests to check somebody, do they do anything differently? I guess not as this could be a deliberately malicious act?

I just want to say I think you were really wise and prioritising your family in asking the question. The fact nothing came up doesn’t change that. I’m a stranger on the internet but I’m proud of you!

Codswallop. OP has children and had some concerns about his behaviour. What do you want people to do - wait until someone gets hurt before they check? And where has OP lied ? She hasn’t told her partner and doesn’t need to, but quite frankly any man who would have a problem with being checked out in this way would be a potential red flag.

You actually only specifically checked your safety though. Not theirs.

It is true that DA is now considered a direct, rather than indirect, risk to children but you only checked for domestic abuse.

It's entirely up to you whether you do a Sarah's Law enquiry or not! But I just wouldn't want you to be left under the misapprehension that you would have been told about anything else automatically.

Especially if you want to feel you've covered all bases.

Keep calm, keep calm and keep calm and well done for requesting it. You have a good head on your shoulders!

A past history of abuse would be a valid reason because professionals now better understand the wider, complex and longer term impact of domestic abuse.

I now think all women should take that step if they get into a relationship with a new man whilst still with DC at home, especially girls.

Sorry, but not 'especially girls'. There are many CSOs who target boys and parents might lower their guard generally thinking their sons are safer.

But people shouldn't use the checks to replace their own safeguarding practices and instincts. Someone isn't necessarily safe just because they haven't got a conviction. It's an additional tool not a replacement.

I know it's been said before and I'm sure you're well aware, just thought it was worth repeating 🙂

Also worth bearing in mind that there are other forms of equally harmful child exploitation that can't be enquired about so everyone should keep their wits about them when inviting new people into their home/family anyway, which is partly why others and I have said that it's OK to end a relationship just because someome seems a bit 'off' for any reason.

I think all men could fit that criteria? The reason I gave was my own past experience of abuse - they were content with this

I think you should still be careful OP, and listen to your instincts. I say that because experts in the field of coercive control, domestic and child abuse always say that your instincts are crucial and will protect you.

Will you be submitting a Sarah’s Law application?

PP was right. I had a Google and this is the information

Sarahs law: allows parents, guardians, and carers in England and Wales to formally ask the police if a person with access to their children has a record of child sexual offenses

Clare’s Law: individuals can ask police if a partner has a history of domestic abuse.

I agree with this, OP. To fully protect your DC, you need to do this.

I'm saying this not just as a CSA survivor myself, but because of a friend of mine, who married a man at the church we were going to at the time who went on to sexually abused her DD from her first marriage.

I now think all women should take that step if they get into a relationship with a new man whilst still with DC at home, especially girls.