AIBU to feel uneasy about my children seeing estranged aunt alone?

I honestly don't understand why you are even considering this. She doesn't speak to you, she doesn't get to see your children. It's very simple.

No

Absolutely not. They should not be seeing her without a parent present, period.

No relationship with the parents, no relationship with the children.

You know, I think it's a bit strange that she wants to see them if she wants nothing to do with you and DH.

I have siblings who don't speak and frankly, they don't give that much of a shit about each other's children. They love them on some level, familial ties and all that, but because they don't see them very often and aren't appraised of their lives, there's no real connection to them.

So it just strikes me as a bit weird that she all of a sudden wants to whisk them off somewhere for the day. She doesn't know them anymore. They will remember her, I'm sure, but that's not the same as knowing her. And you're not even sure that she won't be badmouthing you to them, which could cause untold emotional damage.

If DH can't see a problem with that then you may have a DH problem, to be honest. Why is he so into reconciliation with someone who frankly sounds like a nightmare!

No. If nothing else they have not seen her in 2 years/do not know her. They can see her with DH. She cannot pick up with just the children without repairing things with the adults. It would be different if they were adults and could make their own choices.

My children are my priority, if you and I are not on good terms then you do not get access to my children.

She hasn't even approached you like an adult, she doesn't want to see either you or your husband yet expects you to deliver your children to her
Beg my pardon but is she on crack?

If she wants to see the children again (although I’m not sure why she does, it doesn’t sound as if there’s much of a relationship to resurrect) then she needs to approach your DH first to see if bridges can be rebuilt. She has to want this first, be genuine, and apologise in a meaningful way for her previous behaviour. She needs to fully acknowledge her fault and accept that rebuilding the relationship isn’t going to happen overnight. And then, only then, might DH and you feel willing to consider perhaps spending a little time with her. And if that goes well, perhaps you will consider inviting her to spend some time with you and the DC together. Only once all these steps have been completed will you even consider allowing her to spend time alone with the DC, and only if they are happy for this to happen.

If your DH seems to think it’s ok for her to step right back in as if nothing has happened, you need to spell all this out to him.

At 8 and 10yo, the aunt isn’t entitled to a relationship with her niece/nephew independently of their parents. They don’t have the tools yet to manage adult relationships where the adult cannot be relied upon to have their absolute best interests first and foremost. You doubt this is the case, hence your reticence. And this is what you say to your DH.

Moreover, if the woman lacks the maturity to speak to one or both parents herself, and needs her big sister to do her talking for her, she absolutely lacks the maturity to put the children’s interests ahead of hers.

She may well be fond of these children (although can’t see how if she hasn’t seen them in so long) but she has some growing up to do herself before she’s put in charge of any children. Children aren’t pawns at her disposal to help her escape the consequences of her actions. And “sorry but I was grieving” wouldn’t cut it with me, either.

I know it would be wrong to stop our kids from having a relationship with her

That's utter nonsense. I'd say it would be wrong to send your kids out with a woman they don't know who hates their parents. She is not entitled to any relationship with them. If your DH wants some sort of reconciliation that's up to him, but your kids cannot be dragged into this nonsense

I think that you have to set aside the "protecting yourself" for the moment. If your husband would see this as a step forward, (this is going to sound horrible) then I would not trust him to manage the situation, as has been suggested. I would be saying that if your husband really wants to go ahead with this then both you and he will be with the kids all of the time that your SIL is there, and any misbehaviour on her part will result in you and the kids leaving instantly, your husband can go with you or stay, his choice....but my preference would be not to involve the children unless and until there is a proper reconciliation among the adults. With respect I don't think you can pull out of the relationship with SIL if your husband is going to choose to go ahead with it, because if he is willing to allow his Sil to have the kids on her own, I don't think you can trust his judgement and you will need to be in a position to know what is going in and to protect your kids.

It sounds like you hardly know her?
Say no. She can come and have coffee at your place if she wants to be in contact( if that works)...but don't be suffering her pushiness after her basically being no contact for a while.

Your dead MIL? 🤔

Who is MIL? I thought their mother died at the time of the fall out?

Why would you even consider this?
Tell her no!

It would be a no from me. I would be going back and saying until such time as she apologies and rebuilds the relationship with her brother and you the children will not be seeing their aunt

who knows what poison she will spout to them. They don’t know her and I would suggest her behaviour is such that she doesn’t deserve a relationship with them

So she hasn't even asked herself?

She has asked via a sister-why is the sister getting involved & not telling her to sort it out herself with her brother?

they are your kids not 'borrow my doggie for a walk' i dont understand why you are even giving this any headspace. big fat No !

Surely you remind dh your responsibility is to keep your dc's life free from toxicity?

I literally would reply "😂😂😂 how fucking stupid. Obviously that's not going to happen."

I’ve had an almost identical situation. Big falling out with SIL around the time of my MIL’s death. A lot was said that can’t be taken back. We’ve agreed that SIL won’t see the kids on her own - at least not until/unless the rift with DH is resolved. She is unpredictable and can be manipulative so I know she would say things that would confuse them.

The difference is she had a good relationship with them before and was always the ‘fun auntie’. But I don’t entirely trust her and can also do without the drama! She does send them the odd message and voucher for birthdays which is kind of her and they reply with thanks (young teens so they have phones/email).

Good luck with the situation, I feel your pain…

Absolutely not

why does she want to see them without you present given that she doesn’t have ongoing relationship with them ? It’s actually quite odd/suspicious.

why would anyone view it as positive sign?

This just needs a response from your husband along the lines of "Great to hear from you, would really like to get together to talk things through, we can maybe discuss us visiting with the children after that.