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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset after my partner swore at me

112 replies

Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 13:53

Please help I’ve had a massive argument with my partner and I need advice on what to do next and if I’m being totally insane…

so this morning I’m in bed and my partner gets up goes to the toilet and our 2 year old starts to wake up, he comes back in gets changed and goes downstairs and she starts to cry.. I get up and say from the top of the stairs can you take her down she’s up, and he says oh I’m about to do the food shop, I said I don’t want to get up at 6:20am so he comes upstairs puts his middle finger up at me and says I’m taking the piss.

for context I’m not a huge morning person I usually get up 7/7:30 for work he tends to get up earlier but goes to bed a lot earlier, today I started work at 8am and he starts at 1:30 so my logic is A- food shop does not need to be done at 6:20 what is the rush with that we haven’t even done a list I would have gone to bed earlier if I’d known. B - he has told me multiple times he doesn’t mind I don’t get up at 6am etc it’s not hugely often the baby is up she takes after me. C - he doesn’t start till 1:30 every day this week so has plenty of time to himself and can sleep etc whereas I cannot do that as ill be doing the evening myself etc whilst he is at work.

after he’s sworn at me I’ve then got up and have said I don’t think he should swear at me his response is I’m too precious??? He’s then done the food shop and gone back to bed, by which point I’ve said excuse me why are you asleep when you’ve just made me get up how is that fair?

By then all hell breaks loose and i find im not in control anymore and telling him to leave and we shouldn’t be together. I also threw his clothes and things on the floor - I think I have anger problems that I need to address and I feel stupid for doing that. I have said to him im sorry about that and tried to say about the swearing but he has said he isn’t sorry and doesn’t think it’s bad. Sometimes the swearing at me doesn’t bother me but today it really has it makes me question if im with a bad person or emotional abuser which i think is why i dont like it it makes me start to spiral and worry. But he’s saying im completely over reacting, even if i am over reacting though can i not be upset about it. I feel really confused and im hoping for clarity.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 11/05/2026 17:13

You come off at lot worse than him in the post. I'd tell someone they were taking the piss too if they thought it was never their responsibility to get up early with their child. I'd be more upset at my DH getting angry and telling me it's over than I would at getting the middle finger and being told I'm taking the piss, especially when I was actually taking the piss.

iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 17:09

Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:04

When we’re good it’s amazing - I’m hoping because he’s on lates this week the kids aren’t going to notice but I know that’s me lying to myself

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When we are good...........

When we are good - how often are you good? How often are you not good? You even say the kids aren't going to notice but that's you lying to yourself

Your poor kids!

drunkelephant83 · 11/05/2026 17:08

What are you going to do when your child needs to be up and ready for school?

As a parent if I go to bed later than usual I just have to suck it up, my alarm goes off at 6AM each day in the week regardless of what time I start work.

maybe get a home delivery to save future arguments 🤣

iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 17:07

Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:03

How should I grow up, what’s your advice on how to do that please

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Stop behaving like a child, be the adult and parent your children deserves.
Speak civilly to each other.

Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 17:06

Your children have one childhood. It's being trashed.

Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 17:05

Well it's seems obvious from what you have said that he is horrible to his own child and to you. And he risks all of your lives driving with road rage. What do you gain from having him in your life? Or your children's lives?

Wolfiefan · 11/05/2026 17:05

I would assume this person means that his rages could put your kids at risk. Either as he’s driving erratically or he could puss someone off who could turn violent.
All of this sounds like an erratic and unhealthy relationship.

Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 17:02

Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 16:52

Or if we’re in the car he’ll have road rage and the kids are in the car.

Why do you think it's acceptable to put your kids in the firing line like this? Why is he higher on your list of priorities than they are?

What do you mean?

OP posts:
Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 16:52

Or if we’re in the car he’ll have road rage and the kids are in the car.

Why do you think it's acceptable to put your kids in the firing line like this? Why is he higher on your list of priorities than they are?

Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:44

wrongthinker · 11/05/2026 16:21

Ugh I hate this side of MN. All the competitive cool wives - "Oh how pathetic to be upset about your partner giving you the middle finger! It wouldn't bother me! I just get up at 5am and do everything myself! My husband doesn't even know we've got kids, because I'm that efficient!"

OP, I think you are completely reasonable to be upset at your partner's treatment of you. I agree with you that your response only made things worse, though. Is this happening a lot? You said he swears at you a lot, and in front of the kids, which certainly is a red flag for emotional abuse. I think you should definitely talk to your therapist and maybe a trusted friend or relative to see if you can get a better understanding of what the dynamic is between you and your partner. In the meantime, you could try talking to him at a calm moment and agree that these kinds of arguments shouldn't be happening in front of the kids and that you both need to work on your communication. His response to that will also be useful information, I should think.

And ignore people on here telling you to get up earlier and tolerate more bullshit from your partner. They are idiots.

I did think the responses would be a bit more balanced.

I would say it happens a couple of times a year, however I would say his moods are like this most weeks it’s just I don’t always go too far. It takes him a good few hours to apologise and then when he does I forgive and forget, but it’s getting to the point where I don’t want to keep doing that. An Example would be when his son was here on the weekend he said to him if he didn’t smile for a picture he’d get no presents, I think that’s a bit abusive and a bit much. He kind of lashes out - but he’s not saying anything outright crazy abusive so it’s hard for me to get him to see where I’m coming from. Or if we’re in the car he’ll have road rage and the kids are in the car. And it’s like I understand a lot of men are bought up this way blah blah but I want him to get with the times. He will always agree with me eventually and then make amends but I feel uncomfortable with this side of him and I’m not sure whether to just cut my losses at this point.

OP posts:
wrongthinker · 11/05/2026 16:21

Ugh I hate this side of MN. All the competitive cool wives - "Oh how pathetic to be upset about your partner giving you the middle finger! It wouldn't bother me! I just get up at 5am and do everything myself! My husband doesn't even know we've got kids, because I'm that efficient!"

OP, I think you are completely reasonable to be upset at your partner's treatment of you. I agree with you that your response only made things worse, though. Is this happening a lot? You said he swears at you a lot, and in front of the kids, which certainly is a red flag for emotional abuse. I think you should definitely talk to your therapist and maybe a trusted friend or relative to see if you can get a better understanding of what the dynamic is between you and your partner. In the meantime, you could try talking to him at a calm moment and agree that these kinds of arguments shouldn't be happening in front of the kids and that you both need to work on your communication. His response to that will also be useful information, I should think.

And ignore people on here telling you to get up earlier and tolerate more bullshit from your partner. They are idiots.

Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 16:19

Yes you are deluding yourself if you think your children aren't aware. You and he are causing them emotional harm.

Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:09

BetterWithPockets · 11/05/2026 15:50

If my partner stuck their middle finger up at me and told me to piss off, I’d be very unimpressed, OP — although he wouldn’t do that because he has more respect for me than that (as I do him). I’ve not read the full thread, although have read your updates, and I’m genuinely shocked by some of the responses here.

I was taken aback he’s always said he loves the morning with her when he gets them. It does make me question things which I think is why I then spiral and say we’re not going to work out and make it 10 times worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:04

Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 15:53

Poor kids. The atmosphere in your house must be shite.

When we’re good it’s amazing - I’m hoping because he’s on lates this week the kids aren’t going to notice but I know that’s me lying to myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 16:03

iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 15:51

Save yourself the money of going to a therapist.

Both of you need to grow up.

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How should I grow up, what’s your advice on how to do that please

OP posts:
Decacaffeinatednow · 11/05/2026 15:53

Poor kids. The atmosphere in your house must be shite.

iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 15:51

Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 15:47

She’s a lovely child and really loved and taken care of!!! We need to do better though I know neither of us would want this to affect her.. I’m going to speak to a therapist about how to take a step back in these situations and I won’t be staying up late for a long time that’s for sure

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Save yourself the money of going to a therapist.

Both of you need to grow up.

BetterWithPockets · 11/05/2026 15:50

If my partner stuck their middle finger up at me and told me to piss off, I’d be very unimpressed, OP — although he wouldn’t do that because he has more respect for me than that (as I do him). I’ve not read the full thread, although have read your updates, and I’m genuinely shocked by some of the responses here.

Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 15:48

Devilsmommy · 11/05/2026 15:26

😒 I never normally side with the man but reading all your posts you can just see you're hard fucking work

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lol no I think you just didn’t like a taste of your own medicine

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 15:47

iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 15:44

Your poor child living in this environment.

She’s a lovely child and really loved and taken care of!!! We need to do better though I know neither of us would want this to affect her.. I’m going to speak to a therapist about how to take a step back in these situations and I won’t be staying up late for a long time that’s for sure

OP posts:
Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 15:44

Cherry8809 · 11/05/2026 14:41

This.

You sound painfully immature.
You’re not a morning person? Well, guess what, you have a child and you’re going to have to learn to get your arse up.

He at least took the initiative to go out and do the food shopping (which you also benefit from), while you wanted to laze around in bed. The fact you stood at the top of the stairs asking him to take her down says everything - you couldn’t even manage to walk down the stairs.

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I have 3 children I’ve been getting my arse up since god knows when countless times! Im there before my child even knows they need me at times, i just stayed up too late last night and that’s my mistake.

OP posts:
iamfedupwiththis · 11/05/2026 15:44

Your poor child living in this environment.

neilyoungismyhero · 11/05/2026 15:37

It's just a domestic spat . Not sure why so much weeping and wailing going on here.

Original poster
Blendedmum101 · 11/05/2026 15:36

Fluffybuns88 · 11/05/2026 15:31

This is a wild over reaction.
I'm going to say this gently but are you perhaps neurodivergent? From reading the replies it sounds as though the actual issue is the change in routine rather than the actual swearing.
This sounds like a meltdown, it doesn't excuse the behaviour but it might explain the reaction, personally I think you need to evaluate why you had such a strong reaction because this isn't one that will benefit anyone in the long run.

Maybe I don’t know. I just didn’t want to get up and to me he was up so it made sense at the time and I didn’t think I’d been rude or done anything to warrant the middle finger and wasn’t trying to take the p as he said it felt a bit out of the blue.. in the evenings I usually sit up with the baby because he is more tired etc ot just seems like give and take and normal team work to me I felt really upset when he reacted that way and then just worked myself up from there and did my part in the wrong doing

OP posts:
Fluffybuns88 · 11/05/2026 15:31

This is a wild over reaction.
I'm going to say this gently but are you perhaps neurodivergent? From reading the replies it sounds as though the actual issue is the change in routine rather than the actual swearing.
This sounds like a meltdown, it doesn't excuse the behaviour but it might explain the reaction, personally I think you need to evaluate why you had such a strong reaction because this isn't one that will benefit anyone in the long run.