NC with sister DM keeps getting upset

I mean, I’m officially diagnosed autistic, and to me this is a matter of whether you think you have a right to control your mother’s business or who she receives mail from. If the packages arrive in your mum’s name, who cares? If they arrive in your sister’s name and you have to accept them, tell her to stop being a cheeky fucker - if she wants your house and your mum to receive her packages, then yes, they need to be in your mum’s name. Because if they’re in your mum’s name, then it’s your mum’s private business and nothing to do with you.

This is a control thing with your sister. Using you and your address as a fxxk you. I wouldn't accept them and I wouldn't engage about them. "I have no idea what you are talking about" on a loop. Don't doubt yourself. See less of your mother if it makes life easier for you.

So... again.. im on the fence here as only you know the exact personalities but

Option 1 - the quiet life. You are NC with Sis, but your mum visits. The packages are small, you keep them all in the same place when they arrive and hand them over to DM, no discussion. (TBH I would probably do this as its much easier and time with your mum is about you and your mum , not all about your annoying sister.) Your sister lives in another country. Your mum in another. At the end of the day, all contact is up to you really. You could just lower your expectations of both of them. Smile and wave when you see Mum for a few days a year and let them both get on with it, whilst the main focus of your life remains your own family.
Option 2 - Give Mum the packages as they are here anyway. But take the opportunity to raise some issues with your mum. Maybe sitting down somewhere quiet not at your house... and go through the list.. but more in a questioning way than attacking way... ie...

• I've always been upset that you wouldn't come to my wedding, but you said you'd never miss Sis's wedding...
• or ...What do you think about the way she said a b or c to me or called me a thief ( this may need follow ups.. Do you believe I am a thief.)
• Or more interestingly.. Mum. Why do you believe I should stay in contact with someone who treats me like this?

However, this could lead to quite an uncomfortable time for both you and your mum. It would ONLY work if it was a calm discussion with no trace of aggression or accusation, more along the lines of wanting to find out what she really thinks and how she would deal with it in your position and why.

I suspect that what you really want is to feel that your DM is on your side, that she sees how unpleasant your sis behaviour has been and understands why you are NC, but as a Mum, I know I would always try to support both parties and try to see both sides point of view and would defer a decision until i knew that. Unless it was overwhelming. I would be working from a point of view of trying to bring siblings back together.

Option 3 - Nuclear. Send the packages back to sender and tell Mum its NC with Sis all the way. If it were me I'd try one of the other options first. But consider if Sis is really doing this to wind you up.. or if she's really dense and really just sees it as a practical way for Mum to collect her packages and can't see any problem with it.. Is it her way of trying to stay in contact without admitting it? I think if I was going to do this... I'd pick up the phone first and say why are you doing this?

So you've got two issues.

1. The lack of support and some of the comments by your Mum which make you feel like you matter less than your Sis.. and your feeling that she supports your sis and not you ( which is only a feeling as none of you are really talking to each other) Which in a way is separate from your issues with Sis and between you and your mum as sis can't control it. But I suspect it may still be the root of your issues with Sis. - there must be a reason why she's so mean to you.. Does she resent you in the same way? Is your Mum the divide and rule type?

2. and your Sis's very mean behaviour towards you. And I can understand this makes you angry and you want the behaviour to go away. there must be a reason why she's so mean to you.. Does she resent you in the same way? Is your Mum the divide and rule type?

Maybe its worth it to get to the bottom of the situation with option 2 - honest talk with mum - but I'm not an expert, so you'd have to think about whether you wanted ot open this can of worms. and maybe there are other options anyway.
Maybe try Option 1 for this visit, unless you see an opening for a talk.. but then see a therapist to discuss strategies for dealing with it for the next visit.

Realistically you need to think - what do I want from my Mum?
What do I expect her to do, even if she agrees Sis is out of order?
In an ideal world What would be the best possible outcome from all this? for me. for Mum and for sis.?

Does your mother have a bit of a golden child relationship with your sister? Is it really expensive to get from where she lives to where you do?

Regardless, this is obviously causing you distress and that doesn't seem fair to you.

The more I think about this, the more it seems your sister is taking the proverbial...

`Why didn't your DM go to your wedding? That's pretty huge.

Is your sister expecting your mother to lug parcels to her in a different country every time your mum visits you? Surely there's an easier way to buy things!

It all sounds a bit bizarre, but it might be time to tell your mum that No Contact means precisely that and includes the postal service!

Why doesn't your sister send the packages directly to your Mum? Unless your mum also lives in another country, I suppose.

For me it would depend on:
How many packages are there and are they just being sent in time for your Mum's visit...

1. If its continuous.. I'd start returning to sender. and refusing to accept them. Because that means you are storing them long term until your DM's next visit.
2. If its just for this one DM visit, and its only small packages - I'd let it go but if its large packages taking up room for a long period I'd send a message Please stop sending me these packages, I am not a Post Office or a storage facilit any future parcels will be returned to sender. (eg.. I had an elderly relative who transported large scale garden equipment or packs of tiles to another relative which cost them money to transport and they could barely lift. The purchaser could have easily paid the postage... must have saved less than £20 and the items could have easily been purchased in the second relatives home country, they weren't living in a wilderness or desert.

I guess your mum will always wish the two of you got on... You can't change how you and your sister feel about each other, but again it does depend... Is your mum aware of how awful your sister is to you. I completely understand why you are fed up with her. But does your Mum? Is she even handed about it? Or does she take sides? Does she agree some of your sisters actions have been over the top. If token LC would make your mum feel better maybe its worth it.. .now that you know you won't stand for any nonsense from your Dsis.

I think re the diagnosis... your DM doesn't want to think about it because she will feel she should have spotted it and got you help in your childhood ( but maybe it wasn't so easy to spot and to know where to get help for it... its a lot more common now and well known now) I'd maybe leave any discussion or mention of it until you do have a diagnosis, although its a shame that you cant share your worry with your DM... are there other people you could talk to.

However, I don't know how old your DM is but if she is beyond retirement.. you may still need an open channel to your DSis however limited. It depends which one of you is closest to your mum, which one is down as the next of kin, power of attorney etc... because in my experience families who haven't sorted this out in advance find that a health crisis can be hugely magnified at the worst time.

Sorry OP I feel I've not been much help here, but one final thought is, As I get older, Ive found I really do not want to spend time with people who routinely make me feel bad... and so if you don't like the way your sister sees you and see no prospect of her changing the way she treats you, then I think you should devote your time with people who value you.

She sounds delightful.

Why can't she send her packages to her own home or a locker? All the small convenience shops near us have this drop off, parcel facility. She can collect them after work or whenever is convenient to her.

It does seem passive aggressive to send them to your home.

OP you obviously have a complicated family dynamic and a lot of the posters here won't understand. Your sister sounds like a cow but you're blaming your autism for not having a strong attachment. I have a sister like yours and I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I'd love a proper sister.

My mum and sister hated each other though so actively encouraged me to be NC. My mum was like yours with everyone else in the family though, desperate to keep the peace to the point of being pathetic. Your mum ought to defend you if your sister is mean. Do you find that as an autistic person, you defend others to your own detriment but no-one has your back?

So your sister sends packages addressed to you in your home but they are really for herself - she expects you to give them to your mum to keep for her - is that right?

Just refuse to accept them. Or accept a couple and toss them in the back of your wardrobe and when your mum/sister asks about them say "I have no idea at all what you are talking about - I get so many packages" She'll soon stop.

If you mean that you sister is ordering stuff and getting the parcels delivered to your address, just refuse to take delivery. Tell the delivery person on the doorstep that you haven't ordered anything and to take it back to the sender.

Then ignore the massive tantrum from your sister and tears from your mum.

Since when did you agree to be her personal parcel storage service?

I wouldn't accept the packages. Good decision to go NC, she sounds awful. Tell your mother to button up her tears. Don't be used nor manipulated. I definitely wouldn't have my address used by someone who called me a thief.

This

Your poor mum

Ah ok that would make sense. And a bit cheeky of her sending them to your address when you don’t speak.

But also, reading your updates, if they’re addressed to you - if you know for definite they’re something you haven’t ordered, refuse them if you can.