To say no thank you to someone paying off the mortgage?

WOW. I would snap his hand off. You would be crazy not to.

My FIL is a multi millionaire, and we have never been offered a penny for anything. I would be over the moon if he offered to do this for us. You lucky, lucky things.

FIL has always been a very controlling and tricky man. Not cruel. But controlling and manipulative

That's all I really needed to read, and there are no circumstances short of looming homelessness under which I'd even consider taking the money

More to the point I didn't; my own "father" never gave anyone anything during his life, but boy did he enjoy hanging the possibility over others. As an only child I inherited the lot when the time came, but by then I'd made my own money - much to his chagrin - and the only reason I got that is that he hated everyone else even more than he hated me

Not read the other replies so sorry if I’m repeating.

But if he’s paying for private school then that’s an ongoing payment and therefore SIL has to ‘toe the line’ if she wants to keep getting these payments.

Paying off the mortgage would be one lump sum payment and so DH won’t be held to the same conditions as SIL.

If he goes into care then that money maybe eaten up and so this may be your only chance.

It’s an example of the meaning of Virgil’s saying “beware the Greeks when they come with gifts”.

This is the definition of looking a gift horse in the mouth imo. Do you know how lucky you are and how many people would jump at this? The freedom, the financial security. You are crazy to decline (and quite rude imo)

Nope I would maintain your independence. That is priceless. You don’t want to be beholden to a manipulative man!

Rachel Reeves doesn't get it, it goes towards keeping the country running.

I would take it.

@Feis123

@yourewrongthenyoureright is fortunate that despite her misgivings, her husband seems to be both assertive and diplomatic with his Dad.

No. When people talk about ‘deprivation of assets’ they are meaning giving away money and then if they need care (and not everyone does) the local council can look back at your financial history to see why your asking the state to pay for it.
As long as the FIL doesn’t need care/has enough left to be self funding/children pay any care bill, he can give away as much as he likes. IHT free if he lives 7yrs.

He’s gifting his kids their inheritance early to avoid the tax I would be beholden once a month to be mortgage free to family husbands taking care of him anyway (will he move closer to you?) You will lose loads of it in tax anyway. Say thank you leave it to husband to be beholden.
This man’s saved and invested properly his whole life to be able to leave something to his kids he clearly loves them and wants them to actually have something from him. Your monthly payment could effectively enrich your whole family’s lives.

Not at all, you can still have your boundaries and hold strong with them. Once FIL has gifted you that money and it’s paid off it’s yours. He can try and hold it over you but you don’t have to bow to it!!

Sounds like your DH is already good at maintaining boundaries, despite giving his father quite a lot of help. If he thinks he can maintain this and not be guilted into doing more than he wants then accept the gift, if it is offered and protected in writing.

Has he said anything about where he expects to downsize to ?

There are legal aspects to look at but personally I would say yes please…..and that goes for all the other stuff he wants to help with too.

I'd take the money but only on the condition that it doesn't come with any strings.

And where is he planning on downsizing to....

Then you actually have the best of all worlds @yourewrongthenyoureright, an assertive husband who can "handle" his Dad.

Do not feel less than,(if you somehow do) this is a generous gift which will make a difference to your own wee family.

Accept with grace and let your husband navigate any subsequent difficulties.

If he dies within 7 or 8 years of giving you the gift would that not be seen as deprivation of capital? Maybe you should get legal advice before accepting anything. Read any legal papers from FIL back to front incase a hidden clause that he owns your house or something along those lines. Could he not just directly gift it to your children instead?

I understand everything you're saying op and I would feel the same. Because it could be constantly thrown in your face if you cant/wont keep up with any demands he puts on you , you'll be reminded by him of how he's paid off your mortgage

I would still accept the gift.

You can exert your own boundaries.

Aha, maybe you can share how to do it - as in run with the hare and course with the hounds?

@yourewrongthenyoureright What age is your FIL? As well as IHT you might need to consider what happens if he needs paid for care. The LA can consider deliberate Deprivation of assets and go back more than 7 years.

I think if I were you, I would take the money, but bank it and see what happens down the line, before I spend any of it, in case it is needed back for care. At least if he lives another 7 years IHT won't be payable. But that depends how old he is right now.

That would be payable out of his remaining assets.

It sounds like it's a personality issue. Your DH is able to stand up for himself. SIL isn't. I don't see how him paying off your mortgage would change that.

DH is able to just say Dad, I’m hanging up now’. ‘Dad, I’m taking DD to X. It’s not a good time’ so if FIL then says 'but I paid off your mortgage' then he'd and 'thank you, we're very grateful, but I need to get DD to X, goodbye'.

Check out any potential implications, ie, tax on it if he dies in the next 7 years - this is on a sliding scale.