To say no thank you to someone paying off the mortgage?

Take it and enjoy it , think of it as something nice he can do for the whole family.

I would accept graciously tbh. He sounds decent enough if he would offer to do that! I wouldnt be able to even dream of help like that. I would just maintain your boundaries but I think I would accept a bit of annoying behaviour if it meant giving myself and kids a massive leg up in life! He wont be around forever either. I would just suck it up 🙈

Hmmm. If it were me I'd make sure the gift plan was legally watertight and he had no comeback on the money in a formal sense. Then I'd have a conversation with him along the lines of - dad, this is amazingly generous, it will make a huge difference to our lives. But you can't use this money as a hold over us, I will still need to say no to things sometimes and the money won't buy you power over us, but rather our gratitude. If you're ok with gifting us the money on those terms we will gratefully accept.

Then hold firm on your boundaries if he starts being difficult with you, and remind him of the conversation.

I would take it, it will make a massive difference to you all, and TBH any pressure or guilt you'd feel to drop your boundaries is all in your head, so you can work on that.

He's offering to pay. You aren't asking. That's the difference. You owe him nothing because he's doing it of his own volition.
Your life will be so much easier! You can invest more on your children and so much more.
It's a generous offer and I'm sure you'll be able show your gratitude without feeling that you have to be beholden to him.

Agreed. I suppose it's a calculation about how much unpleasantness you will 'pay' to be financially secure. You are also somewhat in control of how much you allow the unpleasantness to affect you so that should enter the equation.

I would have been worried about taking it for soemtiing like school fees as he can always threaten to take it away if you don’t do what he says.

The house though I’d accept because what can he do once you have the money 🤷‍♀️

You need to mentally reframe it as him not giving you the money to control you, he's simply giving DH his inheritance early. So, no strings attached. DH needs to make it clear the money does not give him a say in your life, and if that's his intention, you won't accept it.

Either way, definitely insist on a solicitor drawing up a binding contract that states he is gifting the money with no expectation of repayment in his lifetime.

I wouldn’t take the money, there are potential legal implications as he is 83 and may need care etc but mostly because it does give him power even if you have strong boundaries.

My DH & I made mistakes in the past accepting “gifts” from his parents. One gift turned out to really be a loan (after a few years they asked when we intended to pay it back), another gift (which they gave us because they really wanted to give his brother something but felt they had to give us something too) came with so many strings it was impossible, another (similar to the one above) caused a bank investigation. After 30 years we still get “remember when we bought you X” and every time I want to scream “you didn’t buy it, it was a f loan” and they take credit for sorts of things we achieved “if we hadn’t bought you X you wouldn’t have been able too…”.

There are many ways this can be held over you,

The issue doesn’t seem to be boundaries, it’s controlling and manipulative behaviour. It’s unpleasant to be on the receiving end of that, however firm these boundaries are.

It’ll be “I did that for you, now do this for me”. The famous MN “That doesn’t work for us”, won’t stop him keeping on.

But how likely is that to happen in reality? He's downsizing so will still own a property. He may have other assets, savings, investments etc. They will all be available to pay IHT before they would look to recoup from gifted money.

I know MN likes to pull the 'all his money will go on care costs' card, but in reality, the chances of a wealthy person being run down to very little by care costs is tiny. If this is a concern, they could talk to him to make sure he's keeping back sufficient assets to pay IHT and several years care costs.

Just FYI everybody, Rachel Reeves doesn't personally have your IHT! We all do in healthcare and schools etc.

Anyway I'd take it if you can be strong enough not to let him overstep your boundaries. He can't actually take the money away if it's a gift. If you're not strong enough, don't, but it's a lot of money to turn down and arguably having strong boundaries is a good thing to practice anyway?

Why always a Labour dig? All Chancellors take IHT, not just this one. Pointless posturing. Also the money goes into the Exchequer, it's our money.

In addition to potential issues with IHT, there could also be issue with care funding if he’s given away his assets.

Who is liable for IHT?
One of the historical issues around this problem is that a large amount of IHT has to be paid before a Grant of Probate or Letters of Administration (if there is no will), is issued by the Court. If there are no liquid funds in the estate, for example just property and no cash, HMRC will expect the Executors/Administrator’s to obtain a bridging loan to pay the initial amount so that the Grant can be issued and the property in the estate sold. If this is not possible in exceptional cases HMRC will issue what is called a Grant on Credit. This is very technical and something which one would need to take specific legal advice on. The IHT owed is then repaid as soon as the property in the estate is sold.
However, there can be a trap with the payment of IHT, whereby you will be personally liable for the tax, of which many people are unaware. If the deceased made lots of gifts during the seven years prior to their death and these exceed the deceased nil rate band of £325,000, then the recipient of the gift is liable to pay the IHT. This can catch people out who have received gifts in the years previous to death and all the money has been spent. It can be difficult to then find 40% of the value of a gift which would be due to HMRC at that stage.
What is a gift for IHT purposes? This can be cash, investments, property, cars, jewellery, art, furniture and the list goes on. Anything which has value and has the effect of reducing the value of the estate of the person making the gift is a gift for IHT purposes
https://www.mayowynnebaxter.co.uk/latest-news/who-pays-tax-on-inheritance/

You are still seeing him so he is going to be obnoxious anyway. I would just take the money and still put in your boundaries. When once he has given the money don’t let him bring it up again.
My mother always used to try and control people with money and fortunately it wasn’t very much so we didn’t accept it.
My FIL on the other hand was completely different. He once gave my husband a significant amount and said he didn’t want it mentioned again. He was a lovely man.

Accept it for your family’s benefit. He’s 83 and won’t be around forever and it sounds like DH is able to end phone calls when he is being awful so even if he does the “I paid off your mortgage so I can say shit” approach, if DH can continue to say no to him that sounds good.

Not if there were no remaining assets.

Looking at the responses here most seem to say take the cash. However, we had a similar situation in our family and I’m afraid it’s a cautionary tale.

A significant sum of money was gifted from DH’s parents to DH’s brother for school fees and mortgage. DH didn’t mind as he had done well and our family was comfortable enough. It was done with a legal process and with clearly thought out conditions.

However, relations between the givers and receivers soon soured. It wasn’t the money that started it, but the money rapidly became a major part of it. Nobody expected it as relations had previously been good.

Life throws up so many things we don’t expect. What if FIL suddenly needed money after he had given it to you, perhaps a health issue, and you couldn’t return it without remortgaging? If he changed his mind (and had a reason) would you be able to give it back? You may be reasonable but it sounds like he may be difficult.

You already have evidence he has a complicated relationship with SIL due to the money he has given their family. And you’re relieved you’re independent of that, as you say he’s demanding enough. Are you comfortable with the relationship potentially changing so he has more sway over you?

Maybe continuing to support yourselves and standing on your own feet is a price worth paying for your peace of mind and sanity. And he might always leave you an inheritance.

No you stand on your own two feet. Take a look at Dave Ramsey on this one

I see why you're reluctant but accept it graciously and then set clear boundaries thereafter!
He sounds difficult anyway so you might as well deal with his difficult nature and not have to worry about a massive mortgage too! He'll have to croak it at some point so ot wont be forever 😂

I think you are right to be cautious, when you have seen how he operates. By paying off your mortgage he is making you beholden to him, gaining some leverage, and you are already worried as to how he may use this. I have family members who play these games and have learnt the hard way, relationships, obligations and emotional ties don't mix well with money and gifts.

Be encouraging of his plans for downsizing and the benefits they bring to him, but suggest any money he insists on gifting after downsizing gets directly put in trust for his grandchildren - stress that you and DH are managing as a team, and don't need this help, but that giving his grandkids a leg up would be an amazing legacy and you would all appreciate that.

My own dad was the same. I can remember him offering me a car once and I really could've done with it but I said no. Explained to my better half that it may seem free there's too high a cost to pay.

Up to you OP. I prefer freedom from manipulation personally. However, be careful, I think you'd may tax if he were to pass away in the next 7 years.

Daft not to have accepted his help in the past and more daft to not get your mortgage paid off. SIL has been the sensible one and it sounds like your DH still keeps pretty close relations with his Dad. It doesn't sound like he's taking anything away or exerting much power over SIL if she does less for him than your DH and he is still going to pay off her mortgage. You have just made your children's lives less comfortable than they might have been.

This!

once the mortgage is paid off as long as the house is in yours and hubbys name the fil can’t do anything at all?

Yeah but once your mortgage is paid off, he can hardly demand the money back so how is he going to be able to manipulate you?