To say no thank you to someone paying off the mortgage?

My mum was extremely difficult, but we allowed her to do this for us.
It didn't change a thing regarding the relationship. It was never brought up again.

I'm now at an age where if I'm going to help my kids, I need to do it now, before I get any kind of diagnosis that might indicate that I could need care at some point (which is where deprivation of assets comes in, and not before). So I can see where he's coming from. I'd let him do it. It sounds as though your DH is firm enough for it not to be a problem.

They can still say no though.

Once the mortgage is paid off, it's done.

How can the FIL be controlling after that as long as OPs husband maintains strict boundaries? They can't and it's not an offer that comes along easily, someone paying off your mortgage.

If there were no remaining assets, then there's be no IHT to pay!

Edited because that's not 100% accurate. But he'd have to have given his entire assets away ( of over £500,000 or £1,000,000 if he's a widower) for IHT to be an issue.

Just make sure there's enough money left for a nursing home because the last thing you want is him living with you.

I'd keep going as you are now with your husband calling and visiting, but accept the money. It's life-changing for your children.

obvs you haven't got controlling family members or know people who have.....

In terms of the material aspect, no he can't take it back if its tied up properly...... He can change his behaviour though and it would need some serious consideration about how that would affect the family. Can your partner really hold the boundary line?

Take the money out of the equation. He's old, alone, starting to feel frail and lonely I expect as well as increasing worry about his health and future.
If he left you no money would you feel obligated to help him? If so then it's simple you help anyway because he needs it not because he's paid for it.
So you can take the offer without resentment that it will increase his demands because they're always going to be there no matter what

I never understand these threads. I think they fall into the category of Only On Mumsnet (OOM).

OOM would someone consider saying No thank you to a family member offering to pay off their mortgage which still has years to run.

I'd say you can if it's a one off! I'd be wary of situations where he talks about somehow some of your house being signed over to him, or any kind of trust etc. If it is literally him handing over money and you pay the mortgage off, then you have no risk - he can't take it back!! Your SiLs issue (I imagine) is they've got used to things they can't afford (hobbies, Private school, holidays etc) and therefore there's huge risk that he stops bank rolling this for them - which means she has to put up with him being mean, can't rock the boat etc (especially if it might mean her kids lose their schooling).
In your shoes, I'd take it. Make sure there's no legal or financial strings attached and continue to hold your boundaries as you do now. Once it's handed over, it's done and dusted. Just be wary of the in between period before it gets gifted.

Honestly, I would be wary too. I know arrangement like these and have seen it end up with the person who paid move in to be cared for. It sounds like you dh does a lot for his Dad already. Would he be able to say no if his Dad was putting pressure on him. Sounds like your sil will not take up the caring duty if needs be.

I get exactly what you are saying and it sounds like it would definitely be a gift with chains. Of course it doesn't take away your DH's RIGHT to hang up on him but I agree that it could make it feel harder to do so. I have never been in your position and am not likely to be so have no experience but I think I'd refuse. Provided my family and I had enough, I would say that my mental and emotional health is more important than extra money. You say he's not cruel but from what you have said, I think he is....he uses what he has to control others.

Wow. I’d take the money and thank him and be grateful , but not consider myself beholden . Because you aren’t beholden it is a gift. Feeling beholden if different from being beholden. Easier said than done though so YANBU

OP what is your problem? You are being ridiculous. You being offered a gift of money with it seems no legal terms attached and to pay off your mortgage? You take the money and say ''thanks very much'' and pay off mortgage.. Then block your ears to any thing he may say that you do not like. OR - distance yourself from him as much as possible. Or just send him up dates re. DC every 3 months etc. What is he going to do?

I'd take the money. What can he possibly make you beholden to? His mean tongue? Can't you ignore that in favour of financial stability? Block his texts? Tell him off? Laugh at him? Who cares? Your mortgage is paid off. Life is good.

Weird post. Take the money and get on with it. Sil is a wet lettuce

But if any IHT is due on it (if he does within 7 years) then it is the FIL’s estate that pays it, not OP.

Just take the money and don’t get in your head about it. He’s trying to help.

It's life changing for your whole family. I would do this but with caveats that I would discuss with my DH.

Once he’s paid it, he can’t take it away, so he continues to hold no power and you can continue to mantain boundaries. Accept it. You have a relationship with him anyway. Your mortgage being paid off, for me, would be life changing

Exactly... He already has some boundaries... I don't see why the gift should change that... you can say thank you.. but you don't have to bow down and worship in return. Also

" We feel he then exerts control over them and they seem less able to maintain boundaries with him as a result. SiL does less for him than DH, ironically,"

It sounds to me like he's got DH doing plenty for him already, money or now. I think you've gone through the pain, why not also the gain?

Also.. on purely practical terms.... supposing he had £200k to gift - £100k to each of your mortgages. He gives SIL £100k but you too turn it down and it sits in the bank... the will splits everything equally between SIL and DH... so at the end of the day DH gets £50k and SIL has had £150K. All for the sake of not deciding to keep boundaries that you already have.

I think that's really unfair. Accept the gift for your children's sake.

Also consider that perhaps FIL really does want to do this because he's a grumpy old man but he really does appreciate everything your DH does for him and he already knows DH isnt in it for the money. He probably respects him already or he wouldn't put up with the boundaries that already close down some of his behaviour. If he wants to do something nice for DH, then let him.

Edited to add. But get professional advice on IHT rules first.. for eg.. I think it depends on how much mortgage interest you are currently paying or will pay to pay off the mortgage without the gift, to see if it would be worth setting up a trust for the DC or not.

It's your husband and his father matter and I think you should let your husband handle it and not get involved at all. In the end those are your in laws and not your family to handle.

I would take it but put it in a bank account for now. If FIL then starts holding it over you or trying to change boundaries you can hand the money back. Then if he doesn’t hold it over you then pay off the mortgage x

Apologies, now I see it.

Your husband should accept the gift with grace. Be thankful.

Express thanks but go forth as you have always done. Put a similar amount away in savings as you paid into a mortgage or buy a second property.

My guess is that your DH will not change his relationship with his father at all. They have a long history of your DH standing his ground.