Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

Totally get why you needed to - sanity is important - but work has a certain gravitas to it that she might accept as a "good enough" reason why you can't be there.

I really feel for you. You have to change this, it's not fair on you or your kids. Don't get sucked into her perspective, it's warped.

OP, this is awful. How many carers would it take to provide the care that she needs through the day, every single day?

What would she do if you were ill and your sibling was ill at the same time, or on holiday?

Keep saying to her that this isn’t a sustainable situation for you and that you’re changing how much you do for her. I bet it will still be a lot.

Work out your boundaries and stick to them. The tears, guilt trips and the house must be spotless, etc are attempts at emotional manipulation. Don’t let her feelings govern your feelings.

You don’t need anti anxiety medication. You need to be living in your own home, popping in 1-2 times a week to see your parents for 30mins to and hour and not being their carer. Of course doing some things for them eg adding food items to your shop for them maybe. Or picking them something up from town. Or maybe watering plants or putting a load of washing in the line.
But not what you are doing now. No wonder you are feeling anxious.

You need to find your backbone and refuse to do any care for her.

Your DC deserve so much more.

Also I'm sorry but she's so young, my grandma lasted until her 90s!
You absolutely need to change things

I so feel for you @Overwhelmedandneedadvice . My late mother was like this, I was juggling working as a teacher, running a home, adult child with MH issues at home.

My mother refused meeting me halfway, refused any outside support, wouldn’t answer the door or phone unless it was me calling.Her needs, which were many, always, always escalated when I was on holiday. I never had a weekend for me, I did her laundry, her shopping her cleaning, cooked her meals, arranged her meds and appointments, she ran me ragged! She refused to downsize to a bungalow, she refused to let me stay at hers, and wouldn’t come to our home. Her stubbornness led to her demise. Three times I had to call emergency services, over one weekend, they pleaded with her to go to hospital, she refused, saying I could look after her. I couldn’t after four years I was on my knees. They said it wasn’t fair on me and she just shrugged. Two ambulances later, after she collapsed in my arms, the crew took her in, because she had refused food and fluids she was delirious, and no longer had capacity. I was so relieved that finally she would be looked after by professionals. She summoned her last bit of strength in the ambulance, whilst I held her hand to tell me that I’d let her down.

Please op, don’t be me. Don’t be manipulated like I was. Don’t feel guilty for doing enough and drawing a line. You put yourself first, I wish I had.

That's absolutely crazy and I'm from a culture/family where we do more personal care for elderly than others - mixed black caribbean/pakistani

Is she nice and generous? Otherwise a good mom? Good with the kids?
If the relationship is good and balanced I would either be moving her into your own home/selling everyone's house and combining into one bigger house sale with granny annexe or she can fund an extension on your house etc.

But still getting personal carers in for some stuff or paying for cleaner, meals delivered, etc she needs to use any financial resources she has to make things easier. My grandma lived with us briefly growing up in an extension but she did childcare I.e. literally just being in the house on an evening, cooking what she could. She did have carers in towards the end

You absolutely can stand up to her and advocate for your children . Did she do this for her own parents?
Does sibling do half as much as you? Any golden child/scapegoat child dynamics?
Lots of background needed really

Sometimes you have to just get carers in anyway and let them moan! Seen this with DH family. What they want ideally and what they accept are different things. X

No, this is unreasonable. Think ylof your poor kids. Your first priority must absolutely be to them.
Your mum is guilting you into helping and your the only person who can stop that by refusing .
Adult social care services will help to set up a care arrangement for her.
If she has carers in 2-3 times a day, you can then spend some time doing nice things with her and her kids rather than onerous chores and personal care.

Sorry to say Your mum doesn't actually have a choice in this. It's your decision to put your kids and yourself first, not last

My mum had vascular dementia and I cared for her for a few years before she had to go into a care home. It was the best decision for us as I became a daughter again not a carer. If she had had issues similar to your mother there's no way I would have considered caring for her except as a stop gap before she could move into a care home.
You need to get an assessment done. Tidy the toys away just the one night before they're due to visit. Do you have POA for health and finances? They will give you more of a say over her future care. You will resent your mum big time if you don't make some changes.

No, no and no.

I would be mortified at the thought of one of my DC having to help me go to the toilet.

Your mum is not even particularly elderly yet, this could easily go on for another decade. What you've just described Is a full time job for two people, one during the day and the other overnight. Every single day and night. Is she seriously happy for her kids to provide this level of care for God knows how many years to come? I'm sorry but if so that is really quite shocking. What about your own children and your own lives? What sort of person was she before she got ill?

Do you have to go to work too OP?

It’s far far to much to expect of you.

They will have to accept outside carers.

I never understand these parents who refuse external care, at the expense of their children.

How is that the action of someone who loves their adult child? I would never want this for my children.

is this level of selfishness new to her? How on earth does she think that you can sustain this ?

No that expected level of involvement is far too much for you.

Once you drop the rope and step back, they'll have to utilise social services/pay for care. I would suggest you contact SS for an assessment. If your parent refuses, you will have to explain very clearly what you are prepared to do to help and stick to it - do not deviate from your plan/boundaries because before you know it, you'll be absolutely knackered and fit for nothing.

Edited to add after reading your update...absolutely not fair on you or your kids. Get together with your sibling and agree a plan going forward and tell DM what you are each prepared to do.

Certainly wouldn't do the toilet stuff, no. If you and your sibling refuse to do it and arrange a carer, s/he will accept the carer - there will be no choice. Put your foot down.

Some parents are so fucking selfish.

Of course it's not reasonable. But you might need to stand very firm and let things basically get to crisis point to force them into accepting help from outside. Ultimately it's you Vs them in that and as long as you give in, you won't win. But you are being utterly reasonable in standing firm.

My great aunt was carer for her mum her whole life, she even had to turn down a marriage proposal. My mum always said "make sure you put me in a home". I am certain it's not that easy when it comes to it, but one person has no right to force the other to take on care especially at this very significant level.

Check out the elderly parents board.

“I can’t continue to do this level of care, parent. I am organising you carers and you will have to try them or you will have to wait until I or siblings arrives. I will visit you to help you at these times on these days. I know it’s upsetting but many people would be in care homes by now. I have two young children’s and I am exhausted I am trying my best”….. on repeat for the next few months.

when the carers are arranged, through the council or privately id probably go round for the first week to support everything and then that would be it.

I am in a soon to be similar situation. I will be available 2 long mornings (whatever time until 1pm) and for an hour or two the other days tea time ish, and will have 2-3 hours of a weekend day. I will be going on holiday at least 6 weeks a year. I will also be having at least 2 days a week off from visiting. Essentially I will not have my life taken over. I have children, a job, a husband, hobbies and I need peace. I love my parents very much and will help them very much but I will not be able to do 24/7 (unless for very acute reasons- like a week or so if they are very ill over and above dementia).

I’m disabled.

absolutely fucking not.

i expect the parent goes all crying and guilt trip
and I just can’t cope if it’s not family blah blah fucking blah,

reminds me to the time my dad said to me he wouldn’t use a wheelchair because he thought it was degrading and I looked at him from my electric wheelchair and said “would you like to fucking repeat that?

he decided he didn’t want to repeat it.

stubborn fucker never did use a wheelchair. His loss. We could have had great wheelchair races.

Zero chance of me agreeing to this. In your shoes l would decline, it’s not fair on your children or you

Tough if they don’t want carers

When you say small children how old are you talking? Unable to be at home without supervision?

You have a legal obligation as well as moral to parent your kids. They are too young to care for themselves.

Your mom can have carers in to help her with the activities of daily living that she wants you to do. Just because she wants you and sibling to do it all doesn't mean you can, especially since it would involve neglecting your own kids. She'll have to deal.

She's making you choose between your kids and her and given that she sounds unreasonable and manipulative, I'd pick your kids.

You can back off and I think you're going to have to. You can't run two households and have young kids as a single parent and do all the ADL for your mom.