Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

My friend did similar and it was a disaster. Her dad ‘didn’t like anyone else in the house’ and so she couldn’t have day off, never mind a holiday. It was all consuming and shrank her life, her children were older and it meant she turned down opportunities to see them and travel with them.

He’s died now but in the years she cared for him she worked loads less and has struggled to regain employment. The effect on her pension has been catastrophic.

OP your body is saying you need to step back, listen to it. It's not reasonable what your parent is asking of you and your sibling. Your parent got to live their life and enjoy everyday family life, it's not fair they are asking you and your children to put yours on hold.

🤣

It was too much for us with mil & she he a husband and we had older (16 & 18 at the time ) kids, albeit both with SEN.

It came to a head when father in law was taken into hospital. Mother in law ended up in a home.

Also if you stop offering that support and they don’t accept it, honestly it would quickly become a SS issue anyway as she’d be at huge risk of self neglect and that’s a safeguarding issue. It would mean standing your ground though. Maybe you should book a holiday to force the issue. This is all easier said than done obviously, as you’d need to let things get to crisis point but your only other option is burning yourself out at the expense of you and your children

if I had tried nicely then I’d be very blunt and tell my parent that I’m not doing it. I’d say I will do this for x amount of days to allow SS to find a care agency, after that I will be stopping. If you refuse outside help that’s your choice but not my problem. I love you and will be here to support but you need to accept carer support

I'm now on meds to reduce physical symptoms of anxiety too OP. I've had counselling to help talk about how I was feeling and that it was OK to be cross/frustrated/angry/sad at my DMs behaviour. I've also stacked on weight (dealing with menopause on top has been no picnic either!) and I can't shift it. I've taken my foot off the pedal now and whilst I still do stuff for both DP's it's nowhere near what I used to. Whatever I do for DM will ever be enough anyway...

Someone said on a similar thread...if you feel resentment (for all the stuff you're doing for your DM) or guilt (for all the stuff you say no too), always ALWAYS choose guilt.

She is being selfish. You need to say no op. You have kids to think about, a job, and your own life to live. Put carers in place and step back. If you don’t, you’ll be doing this until the end of time op, she’ll happily let you. Being a martyr won’t do you, or your kids, any favours in the long term.

Of course it’s all far too much, sorry you’re going through this.

YABU to say ‘I get lots of crying and guilt tripping making it impossible to back away, even a bit.’ - the crying and guilt tripping is not making it impossible, you are. You are suffering from over-responsibility. Simply put in a boundary and say no. It’s very freeing.

Middlemarch, that’s awful. OP, don’t be Middlemarch!

Yes the “capacity” issue
this is why you need to be at the meeting so that when they say what about meal prep and parents say oh xxx does that you can say well the reason we are having this meeting is that it’s not sustainable!!
we had that with my Dad when he was alive but the social worker was amazing and in the end Dad loved the carers coming in as it was extra company for him.

You have zero duty to take on the care of a profoundly disabled adult for two decades.

You can’t, anyway, it’s too much work for one person.

Your mum isn’t talking sense.

Agree with most other posters - ring social services and refuse to continue caring
My DM has Alzheimer’s and still lives alone with carers twice a day - she also goes to a day centre a few times a week
I do her shopping, take her out for coffee and respond to calls when she’s lost her keys, messed up her drugs, tv won’t work, had a power cut etc - so still see her very frequently - it’s exhausting

I didn’t feel able to do personal care at all - my Mum had to have carers in. I didn’t change, even when she cried. She tried to guilt trip me massively but I just couldn’t do it.

I think it’s really unsustainable. Reality is they need carers coming in. I think you say what you are prepared to do and stick to it. Repeat ad Infinitium. There will be a crisis at some point requiring hodpital and the issue will be forced. Question is are you going to run yourself into the ground in the meantime ?

I'm speaking from long experience of parents refusing outside care...situations you think will be short-term aren't always and there's entire new levels of shitshow that can develop. I am exceptionally grateful to the paramedics that eventually referred one of our situations to all and sundry for the parent with dementia and at risk of falls.

That just left us dealing with the various other parents...my Sil said recently that she was grateful she got a very serious illness, as that meant she could have some peace for a while.

If you've gained 3st and need meds, it's time to step back.

The problem is if she has capacity and declines an assessment thats the end of it. They can't and won't force her.
OP stand your ground and inly do what you can comfortably manage and no more.

For a short term illness only - I'd do it.

It could well be 20 or 25 years. Degenerative illnesses will remove all
your body & brain functions but with modern heart/lung drugs you won’t die for decades.

This sounds like a hideous situation all round.

Dispassionately though- your mum is manipulating you emotionally and your boundaries are being ignored. It's flipping difficult but you are allowed to say 'no'

I got myself in a tangle when a parent needed a lot of care and I was a mess feeling like I HAD to offer so much more time and energy than I wanted. I had a phone conversation with my brother that changed my life. His perspective was - you don't have to offer all of that. When I started to explain why I felt I did he just said 'no you don't. Let them fail. Then they will find access the care they need'. I was blown away. Damn that is COLD bro. And then the penny dropped. This is why men stay sane and daughters run themselves into the ground.

This is a decision you can and should make for yourself. How much can I offer and what is sustainable. Remember- if you are not fit and healthy and happy you can't look after yourself or your children. It's complicated because deciding your own boundaries and then implementing them will force conversations with your mother and your sister. But it's your life and you are entitled to decide how much of it you give to others.

I am so sorry, I have been there too. I had a massive nervous breakdown 4 years ago and am now chronically ill and had 8 weeks in a mental clinic. For the love of God, please don’t go down this route further as you will make yourself very unwell and it might impact your life as it did mine with all the ramifications to family life.

i wish you the strength to pull
the emergency cord while you can. Good luck

You and your sister need to take over the management of the care arrangements, not take over the whole of the care yourselves. You must stand firm together. Tell DM, you cannot care for her, it's not your job but you will arrange carers. If she says she doesn't want carers tell her that's fine, she doesn't have to have them but you won't be doing the caring. Then leave. She will soon change her mind.

Thank you so much for your kind words @Logika , they mean so much.

It's a lot. It depends on the people involved, their relationship, and how they feel about it, but this very much sounds like it's you doing the caring and it's too much.

@Middlemarch123 that's horrendous, I'm so sorry. I hope you know she was simply wrong. You didn't let her down, and her ingratitude doesn't diminish the huge amount you gave to her.

Yes this exactly
sometimes someone impartial is better to lead this sort of convo
You and sibling can be there but ultimately it sounds like you need some more help, what if you were poorly or one of the kids were and you couldn’t help.
Hopefully you can find a way forward with a package or care in the home, otherwise you’ll have to consider residential options.