Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

This was me. Only both parents and elderly with life limiting illness for one of them.

It broke me. I had a breakdown. My kids lost a big part of their small childhood. It’s taken years to get back to normal. When I say it destroyed me I mean it.

Look after yourself first.

There is no comparison between caring for your own children, and caring for an elderly parent.

Babies and little children are easy to lift . The bum-wiping/ nappy changing stage doesn’t go on for many years unless there are additional needs. Your children are growing all the time, and there’s a progression towards independence. There’s a rough idea of the timescale involved unless something drastic happens.

In relation to an elderly parent, the timescale is often indefinite, they’re an adult in an adult sized body with all the implications for lifting and moving. They’re dealing with the loss of independence and role, and may be very unhappy or very angry, which may all be directed at you. They may be very confused or memory may be failing, which is both super-demanding of the carer, and beyond sad to witness.

And at the same time, the son or daughter may either have their own young children to care for, or is older themselves and doesn’t have the energy they used to have, and may well have health conditions of their own.

It just isn’t as simple as ‘ if you love your parent you will be happy to help them no matter how hard it is’.

I am not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I am also not surprised that you are struggling to find a way through it, because this is difficult to do when overwhelmed!

In an ideal world, you could set things up so social care speak directly to your mum to explain what carers do. Unfortunately, with funding the way it is, it is likely that social care will do as little as possible and certainly not ‘sell’ their services to your mum.

Would it be helpful for you to try and approach the problem within a framework of 3 sets of needs to support - yours, your children’s and your mothers? If you can picture this as a mixing desk (like a DJ uses) and you need to balance the sounds so that the noise of one doesn’t drown out the others. You goal is to balance them.

It sounds like there is no-one to help look after you and as the main carer for your children and mother, making sure you are ok is central. What you are describing isn’t sustainable or healthy, so the starting point is to look at what help is available to reduce your load.

If your mother can access as much social care support as she is eligible for, you can then fill in the gaps. This might not be her preference, but having a mother with high needs when you are a mother of young children isn’t your preference either and so you all will need to make compromises.

I’d advise you not to seek medication for your mental health. Your feelings are healthy - they are telling you that there is a problem that needs to be fixed. Please listen to your body, don’t try and silence it.

If you do get all the help that is available for your mother, and you take all the steps you can to look after yourself and your mood is still low - perhaps then is the time for medication.

I've just been through this with DF, his care became a full time job for me because I live locally and have flexibility of time. He just passed a few weeks ago but it was around 2 years from he had any independence. He had carers but his timings didn't really fit with theirs, they came at 10am, he got up at 8 etc. His memory issues worsened and had increased mobility issues but still felt he could do what he wanted which led to falls/hospitalisations. He became incontinent and needed regular changing in the day even with pads. He ended up needing constant supervision. We had thought about nursing homes but he really didn't want to go into one and then our options were terrible and very expensive. We were concerned he could go on for years like that and he was older than your mum. For 2 years I couldn't look at a holiday, I felt I was letting my own DH and children down, my life was totally consumed with DF's needs. This past year he was hospitalized every few weeks with one issue or another so it was the daily running up and down to the hospital an hour away.

Now he's gone, I miss him so much and I'm really glad in a way I was able to support him. BUT I can say that in retrospect as it was only 2 years. I was exhausted, stretched beyond my tolerance and I became resentful of my siblings who live further away. It was really difficult. That was with carers (who can totally do personal care) and a cleaner.

Tell your mum she needs a care needs assessment, contact a social worker and set that off. Be firm. Your mum is so young, this could be your life for years if you accept her demands. I'm not one to talk as I sacrificed my own life but it is affecting you badly and your mum surely must see that.

But they choose that, they decided to be a parent...a child does not get that choice. Not the same .

I'm sorry but you should not be responsible for intimate personal care for a parent. That should be a qualified carer. I've already discussed this with my mum who is 80... absolutely not wiping your arse.. happy to do anything else but not that (we have a very good relationship and she is still very much with it )

Far too high an expectation to be placed upon you, especially given your personal circumstances. She needs to accept professional help whether she likes it or not. I understand why she wouldn’t want it, I really do but if I had a choice between that and making my DC’s life difficult and miserable I know which I’d go for.

Crazy frog is correct!
Carers will wipe bottoms....and lots of other things
What they can't do is anything medical, even down to applying plasters

The situation you are describing is not viable in the long term. Not wanting to accept outside help is very common, and carers are very used to dealing with this. Make changes gradually. Carers first, then a cleaner. Involve her GP and social services to get any help you can. I cared for my parents with outside help. The difference was they were mid 80's when they needed support, not 73 so your road ahead is longer, and will only get worse. Nip it in the bud now. You will feel upset and guilty but you can only do so much and you now need outside support.

Your mum is talking bullshit. No, carers can't change dressings, but district nurses can. Yes, they. An wipe her bum. And bathe her. And help with household tasks. Everyone saying she did it for you, well yes. She chose to have kids. Unfortunately, I've been in a similar position and it only gets more demanding. Your children deserve better and your mum will only get more selfish and manipulative. FIND ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET. Ring adult social services and tell them she needs an urgent assessment as you can no longer do it. Ask a cleaner to come in and do a one off clean, and get all your stuff out of there and back to your own house. Much love, you must feel like you are drowning right now.

Your parent did the same for you, raised you and took care of you for decades until you were comfortably independent, why not help your parent now in need. If you love your parents you will be happy to help no matter how hard it is, it is just the right thing to do to help them in their old age.
Carers are strangers and unfortunately the news is full of stories of how they abuse the elderly - I would not trust them take care of my parent.

You have stop letting her manipulate you. Removing yourself as an option is the only way.

lots of people helping make it easier. OP is pretty much living there as she has to do so much. Whilst working and parenting, that’s not easy.

In our family this is what we do, we all helped look after my grandad till he passed from Parkinson's last year and now all helping care for my grandma who's dementia and cancer are bad now so everything needs done from changing, showering, helping eat etc....but it's not for some people but in our family it works and we are all happy to do it.

My DH, nearly 80, has recently had a few falls and lost his confidence with walking. After the last fall, Social Services moved rapidly to get us a hospital-style bed (now in the lounge), commode and a wonderful machine called a Rotunda that enables me to turn him off the bed/commode into bed/wheelchair.

I'm 74 and very petite but fortunately in fair health but caring for him is exhausting. My life is currently all about him and his needs. I get 5 hours sleep a night and am worn out - and its only been a few weeks yet! My social life has disappeared, I am depressed, and dreading this lasting for any length of time.

My DD does her best but is 30 miles away over country lanes and has two young teens as well as being the chief breadwinner. No way would I burden her with more than occasional visits for specific problems that I can't manage.

Carers are essential but four 30-minute visits a day will cost abt £500 a week (£25k a year) and of course he won't necessarily want a shit while they are here! He would have to soil the nappy that he wears and wait for them to arrive later to clean him up if I don't do it (which I do).

None of it is easy on either of us, but no way would I expect her to disrupt her life and that of her youngsters in favour of her dad and me. And nor must you. It is nonsense to say she doesn't want carers in, or that the house isn't pristine (mine is pretty awful now cos I have no time or inclination to bother about it - and the carers don't bother either.

They will have to use their savings (make sure she claims AA) and lump it.

Far better that you visit once a week with the kiddies and take a nice lunch, stay for a couple of hours then LEAVE.

Otherwise you will burn yourself out and be no use to anyone. It's not on.

Best of luck, but stay firm.

So many people say the same thing ”they won’t accept outside help”. We don’t always get what we want so I would make it clear that this is no longer optional. Really tough I know when you will be made to feel like the world’s worst daughter but your situation is not sustainable so better to manage it now than get to the point where you have a complete breakdown.

The elderly can be so stubborn at times - sending hugs as it must have been awful for you 💐

She could live a long, long time yet.
You could have 20+ more years of this.

That sounds an awful lot too

Your mother is already expecting far too much from yourself and your sister. She could live beyond ninety years. This could go on for many more years, meanwhile you’ve lost your children’s childhood, your ability to work full time, money, free time. The list is endless. She needs daily carers, if not a move to a facility where she can be properly cared for by professionals.

No
a) it takes up far too much time
b) unless she is extremely short and slight, it is dangerous for both of you unless you have nursing training or at least some serious moving and handling training especially for people!

A perspective @Overwhelmedandneedadvice.

I am 65 (still fit and working p/t). My DC are grown up. My mum is 89 and very frail, has Parkinsons (early stage).

Have you applied for attendance allowance for your mum. If not, you should.

I have resigned and from the autumn I will visit mother weekl, more if necessary. It's a 180 round trip. She still has step who does a lot but could keel over at any time. Note, I have resigned because I can because of my stage in life.

She and I have agreed, l am not to wipe her bum or similar. I shall not be cleaning or doing laundry, etc. There are people who can be paid to do those things.

I don't thonk your mum is being "old fashioned" I think she's being awkward.

When it gets to the wiping bum stage you are totally reasonable to say enough is enough we need professional help. You are presumably not a trained carer or a nurse? No health care provider background? You need to communicate honestly though op to avoid resentment or misunderstanding.