Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

Absolutely no way. You are sacrificing your time but also the time you spend with your own immediate family. Extremely selfish - did she care for her own parents?

This, definitely. You need more help. You have 2 young children to look after.

OP this sounds so difficult and totally unsustainable. There is no way I would do what you are doing. You have young children and they are your priority. Tell you brother to step up and sort it, your mum needs carers.
Your family has to come first and you need to get busy making memories for your children. You are not appreciated and you will run yourself into the ground!
Step away for you and your family.

Did your mother look after her parents when they were old? Did she have small children a fb worked at the same time?

there are three of us. We have already told our parents that we will not do any personal care ( and for those saying they looked after you as a child and now you look after them there is a world of difference in them wiping a baby/toddlers bottom to you wiping an adults !)

as it is we work, have our own families who need help and have health issues. We simply can’t do everything so carers come in. We told them it’s to support us as well as them

in your case don’t be brow beaten. You move all your stuff home. You start taking care of your family health and work and fit in what you can.

anything left you get your brother to do or tell them they need to get carers.

Please listen to what most of us are saying and stop letting your parent run your and your children lives. She is only going to get worse and deteriorate more as she gets older, and then what? Will you move in with her?? Stop having any life of your own at all? What about when your children go to school and you're invited to things to see (plays etc) and you have to say no because your mum doesn't want you to??

caring for my in-laws almost ruined my relationship with my young teen daughter as she felt I was prioritising them over her. Is ruining your relationship with your own children worth it?

Tough love from @ToSayYouHaveNoChoiceIsAFailureOfImagination but OP there's a lot of power in there.

I think it would really help you to see these conversations as attempts to exert power. There is a lot of power in defining the rules of the game. Your mum and brother are setting out the boundaries with you doing all the giving. Other options including your brother doing half they are simply wiping off the table. Your first job is to shift the agenda and that starts with seeing it as the exertion of power that it is.

Of course it's not fair. You know and we know that you doing a speck more than your brother is not fair. But fairness doesn't matter when the two of them are defining the territory of the discussion around you doing it all like it's some brand of normal. It's not. But you are the only one with any interest in redefining it. They are both deeply invested in pressuring you to do it. It's like a confidence trick. They are going to keep pushing you hard while there is still any hope that you will cave.

It doesn't matter to them that you want the time back to spend with your child. They don't care, they only care about what they can get out of you. If you see it in that light you might be able to get more perspective. Get that therapy but you might need to move quicker than that too to change things. Your kids need their mum back.

This. You help where you can but your children should be your priority.

Op, remember her "doesn't want to" doesn't trump yours. The Elderly Parents board may be helpful.

I'm sorry you are struggling.

There is absolutely no way I would be doing what you do.

Your DB can get her up every day. You can help get her to bed every night.

You can clearly toilet herself currently.

Remove all the toys. Tidy/clean the house once a week. DB can do strip the bed/do the washing.

If the above is still too much for you, just do what you can.

Carers are available.

Are you aware that as an adult you alone have the sole ability and responsibility to make choices that impact your and your children's lives?
Currently you are choosing to abdicate that responsibility by your choice to allow your mother and brother to dictate how your and your children's lives are conducted. The way you're asking for permission to make your own choices is reminiscent of a victim of emotional abuse. Do you feel like you've been emotionally abused by your mother through your childhood and adult life. If so, you do need therapy to unpick the harm she's done to you.

If that isn't the case for you, then you are choosing to live like this. You can choose not not live like this. But I don't think you know you have any power. You do have power though. You are an adult. You can make your own choices. You don't need to ask permission from anyone. You could decide today to change anything you like in your life. What's your fear here? Disapproval? A loss of love? Do you feel loved or approved of right now? If you do, is it worth your health and your children's happiness?

So make a decision in the best interests of yourself and your children and take the practical steps to follow through on it. It's not a request your making. It's not a conversation that you're having. It's actual action that you need to take, the implications of which will be obvious to your mum and brother and they can sort out the impact.

My MIL also had a horrible degenerative disease and she needed A LOT of care. She rejected all outside carers, was adamant she doesn't want strangers caring for her.

She was told you have no choice. None of her 4 children or their spouses were up for it.

Not only did we bring in carers, she developed a wonderful relationship with them.

You basically treat her as a toddler who doesn't want to do something. A couple of warnings and then go ahead and do it. It's horrible at first but then they get used to it.

Rip off the band aid.

I guess you have not yet been in this situation and do not realise how hard it gets

Can I make an observation?

You frame this as if it is your job to do everything and you can only stop doing it for even a day a week by "asking" and receiving permission.

I think your mum has manipulated you to such an extent that that is how you see the situation

But it isn't. You don't have to ask for permission to use your time and energy as you want. Your mum needs to ask nicely for support and you get to say no.

I would go a lot further than this and only make yourself available one day a week TBH and even that is a lot given you have young children

Plus it can go on for a very, very long time.

Annalisa Barbieri has a very good podcast on how to talk to difficult older people. Definitely have a listen.

You don't need therapy (tho it is helpful), you need the people who need help to listen to your needs and hear you when you say "this is what I can do, any more than that and you'll need to have help coming in". Work out what you can do, tell them what you can do, ignore the whining and complaining and if they choose not to get extra help, that is their choice. They can make bad decisions, if they have capacity. Are they considering your MH and needs, nope...

This all sounds very harsh and not something I'd have said a few years ago but it's a very slippery slope and if you're the one getting guilt-tripped into slavery, then it's best nipped in the bud. Guilt rather than resentment.

Sorry but your mum and brother are being massively selfish. You need to take a step back, still help but not to the detriment of your children x

I absolutely agree and have been I. The same situation with my mum. She got worse then dementia took hold. Tragic

Do you actually realise what you’re saying! This is guilt tripping. My mum had to have carers. It’s impossible for this poor OP to carry on as she is!!! Her mum guilt tripping her and now you. It’s not right, think again

Ah OP you know she is making that up don't you?

If she can wipe her own bum I am tempted to say take 24h away as a mental health break. That may not be realistic but you need to change something big and you need to be in a mental space to do that. As PPs are saying, own oxygen mask first. That isn't a platitude, or a reminder that you matter too, it's the necessary strategy for your dependents' survival too.

When your mental health fails making changes gets much more difficult and I am worried you are already heading into that spiral. Please please see your GP.

I feel there should be advocates people can employ to come and negotiate/lay down the law about these things with awkward parents who are refusing to take no for an answer. She can't make you. She can't make you. Eleanor Roosevelt - no one can make me feel inferior without my consent.

Op, I got dumped with doing far too much for DPs after a bereavement. I put on loads of weight, was on Prozac, had mental health problems which soon turned into physical ones like high blood pressure, and prediabetes. I realised that if I didn't stop running round after my parents I was going to lose my health and also my ability to work, look after my kids and keep a roof over our heads. That wasn't with being a single parent either.

Put your own oxygen mask on first. Your parent is being beyond selfish here; not just to you but your kids too.

You do know that’s rubbish, don’t you? Of course carers can do intimate care including wiping once she’s been to the toilet. She’s correct that they can’t change dressings on wounds. District nurses do that. So all those needs can be met by people that aren’t you.
If her house is messy because of your kids (his bad can it be?), then clear up their mess so you’re in a position to have carers come in.

The only person who can stop this, OP, is you. You need to say enough is enough, you can’t do this anymore and social services need to take over. She’s not going to change so you will have to. That’s the only way you can escape this situation.

btw there are aids to help someone to wipe if they can’t reach. Buy her one of these:

https://amzn.eu/d/07efUGhZ

@cinnamondayou cannot be serious.

You cannot do this safely for someone with dementia and a high risk of falling, when they will not cooperate.

Or trying to look after several very, very elderly people all at the same time.

Or any other situation where the "family stepping up" is not going to work for whatever reason.

Every situation is different and all this opining on how it's the only way to do things is just very painful for those of us who have relatives whose situations are now so complicated that care settings are the only option.

Not to mention that unsafe amateurs are not a substitute for nursing care with all the equipment for lifting and handling.

Back when families did do all the care (well, for those who didn’t go to the workhouse, or later on the geriatric ward, or to an institution, or those who had servants) people died much, much quicker. And yes, there were much bigger families. And the older person, if not living with servants, had to move into whichever relative’s house was big enough to accommodate them, usually sharing a bed with a child or two with resultant much higher sexual abuse levels, and fit into their family life far more. They’d do more childcare, cooking, feeding the chickens. They’d sit there smelling of pee/smoking a pipe to distract from the smell of pee, and telling their four anecdotes to all the visitors.

Some of this we might regret, some of it we were extremely glad as a society to see the back of, some of it we decided was unacceptable. Fundamentally those who need care have to fit into the society they live in, at least to some extent.

You right now are a breadwinner, raising a family. I’m guessing that your mother has much more money/assets than you. Like those in the past, she doesnt/shouidnt get to end the earning capacity of the person supporting the family, or the caring capacity of those raising children. Making a choice to employ carers is promoting her independence in her home. Yes of course they deal with toileting. Don’t accept what she says without any professional advice. Get a lot bossier about getting other advice in. And don’t tidy up!!! The mess is part of what shows that this is not sustainable.

How much does your sibling do?