Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

She sounds awful 😢

is she paying you to do any of this?

Why is love dependent on service?

Absolutely not. I honestly could not wipe another adult’s bottom if either of our lives depended on it.

I will do anything I can to ensure that my mum never has to go into a home, but wiping her bottom will not be one of those things. I’m very sure she really wouldn’t want me to either!

I regularly tell my father in law that it’s like when you go on an aeroplane. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

That's 100% of the problem.

My parents were clear that they had me for me to have a life of my own and I've carried that belief on. I would do anything in my power to avoid asking for anything from my children, especially one with as much going on as you.

So I dont think the question is whether its too much or "fair" but why they dint want to inconvenience anyone else to save you, their precious child, from running yourself into the ground. I get personal care is a bit private and uncomfortable but they aren't just asking for help on a few particular sticking points, rather they are expecting your life to revolve around them. That's not on imo.

but when your DB is home, does he drop everything to go and help DM to the toilet, wipe her bottom, cook a meal, clean the bins, change the bed? or is it just you that is expected to do the chores while DB sits with her for an hour and makes a cup of tea?

As another PP said how dare she say that she 'cared for you as a child' and then expects you to neglect your own children to help her. Plus she never did it for her own parents!!! Princess indeed...

It's good you've started the conversation. Have conviction in your actions now, don't back down and start reclaiming some of your life back and enjoy your DC before they're starting school!

You need to stop "asking" for days off and start telling her what you'll do and what you won't, and stick to it. You can decide what you do, you can't decide whether your mum and your brother like it. Control what you can and learn to let any complaints wash over you. It gets easier with practice.

Great you started the chat
Now to resist all the forms of emotional manipulation
Start taking your stuff back to your house
Tell her you will pop over at lunchtime and that's it
You have a household to run just like she did. Did she do this for her parents?

And tell your brother he needs to get a grip

Time to go back to work instead of being part time
You are going g to burn yourself out, she will expect more and more of you and your brother will do fuck all. You will have a breakdown, she will die and not leave you anything as you "broke her heart" by not being a slave any more and you will ne left with resentment.. brother will be smug... seen it happen all too often... your life is in your hands xx

No. Not if you’ve got your own young children. I’d do what I could but would make it very clear to my parents that they had to accept outside care.

It is incredible that your mother is citing how she cared for you as a child in the same conversation in which she is trying to get you to neglect your own children for her benefit.

Illness and suffering unfortunately makes people selfish - tbh they don’t get much option. I feel for her. But I don’t think feeling empathy for her situation means that you have to do everything. There are sometimes things where it really matters that a family member participates - unfortunately I would say that going to at least some medical appointments probably falls into that category (ironically that’s often the one time where the person refuses to have anyone else involved). If you feel the same, then splitting that responsibility between you and your brother could work. (Incidentally, is HE screwing his financial future by going part time as well? Be very careful before you do that). The other thing that only family members can really do is to have those chats and conversations and reminiscing that you need a long history together to do. And at least some of that can be done on the phone.

And to add I have a form of PTSD.

@Overwhelmedandneedadvice my heart goes out to you. I did my mother's caring with a new baby and my father's full time for three and a half years. It nearly killed me ( I was so desperate I would have happily jumped off a bridge). He didn't have any professional carers until the last two years of his life. He used his attendance allowance. I wiped bums towards the end when the carers turned up late and I had school age kids. My father was lovely but even he wanted meals made and refused farm foods etc. I managed to get some respite in the last couple of months of his life ( all carers are granted 8 weeks care home support per year). I lost my job and hundreds of thousands in lost wages. I'm one of four and the rest did sweet fanny Adams. A fortnightly visit as he lived with me. How I stayed married I don't know.
Ask to speak to carers support at your mum's surgery. They're the ones who know the options.
You must think of your children.

I help my parents in their home I helped with deep cleaning I helped with gardening I helped with doctors appointments I helped with paperwork but I always made it very clear to them that if they qualified for attendance allowance they could use that to pay for daily cleaners and in no circumstances would I be doing personal care. Both my parents and my husband's parents tried this on us stating that they didn't want anyone else in the home that they didn't trust strangers that they only trusted us and we repeatedly said no we have grandchildren we are getting on ourselves we cannot offer any level of personal care.

If your parent loves you, they will be happy for you NOT to help. No matter how hard it is for them. It is just the right thing to do to let our busy adult children with jobs and families of their own live their own lives.
I would be quite happy to let strangers be carers for the benefit of my children to be free of the burden.

While this is absolutely true, my mum looked after her mum through her teens and early 20s and her mum was in her early 40s. She died in her 40's. My mum had to change her and clean her (she was still having periods). Of course this was the 40s and 50s when there was presumably little option.

So given that she looked after her mum and would have continued to do so (once saying she would never have got married and left home if her mum needed her), she absolutely expected the same devotion from me her one child.

A parent should never expect that of their children but my mum while being a lovely caring mum and grandma, could not see a different point of view to hers and at times that made things very difficult.

I have told my son to find me a nice care home and visit me now and again and to never feel guilty about not looking after me if I ever get like that!

So what help does your 'golden child' brother provide, as he obviously has much more spare time than you do? Why do you owe your mother support but he doesn't? I assume that your mum has supported and helped him throughout his life.

You don't need to ask for one day off a week. You need to tell her that you are having at least two days off a week. I assume that even if your brother works, he could be available at the weekend?

I feel so sorry for you having such a needly and ungrateful parent. If you refuse to care for her, she will have to accept paid carers. Your children need to come first.

My mum moved in with me due to mobility issues following a stroke. We bought a house together with a granny annexe. My DS was about 3 at the time and it was much easier looking after her in the same house. I did the cleaning, cooking of main meals, cuppa and empty commode in the morning and change bedding if needed (she was urine incontinent at night and sometimes pull ups would leak). She would read to or play with DS though while I got on with things so that was a help and I worked part time. She was able to get herself a sandwich or some soup or toast at lunch and put in a microwave dinner if I worked later or on the odd occasion we were out at dinner time. She became more confused, the start of dementia and I left her notes or she would forget what to eat but we managed well for 2 years before she seriously declined and had to go into care. She always thought I should look after her but progressive vascular dementia is a bitch. She could be very angry with me though for a while which got less as she declined.

We did get social services in when the rest of us went on holiday just for one visit a day. We sold it to her as piece of mind for me and they emptied the commode, checked her bed, got her some lunch and made sure she had a plan for tea. My aunty also popped in some afternoons to make sure she was ok.

It is hard, you almost have to get social care in on the premise that they are their to support you and get your GP onside but my mum still hated them coming in and refused to wear a pendant. You don't have to go from nothing to 4 visits a day though, you could say have carers in once or twice to start with to reduce the amount you are going round. Anyone with dementia though does not fully understand how much support they are getting and or need and a lot of old people can be stubborn (in my experience)! You need to make sure you look after yourself and your children and say no if it really becomes to much.

Honestly, I can't imagine being the sort of older parent who expects their children to provide intimate care such as wiping their bum after a poo. The very thought of it makes me shudder. Having a paid for carer would be preferable to making my adult children do this.

There isn't a contract where, because mums looked after their children as babies, including changing nappies and wiping bums, this identical service needs to be offered to the parent when they are elderly. People choose to have children and know what caring for them entails. Failure to do this can result is having your children taken away and even being prosecuted for child cruelty and neglect. There is no similar legal obligation for adult children to provide that sort of care to their parents.

op you just need to stop! Pretend you are unwell, flu maybe, bed bound for a week.. see what happens. Brother might have to step up, I bet he’s not so keen.

My dp’s didn’t want strangers in the house (carers) and then there was an incident where help wasn’t available and it forced the situation. Social services were great, and said that people often have to fail before they will accept help. They now have carers a few times a day.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Are your parents both claiming attendance allowance ?
If not, please apply, it is not means tested
Money to be used to buy in extra help

You should claim carers allowance & your National Insurance contributions will be paid (towards state pension & other benefits) while you are not working or work PT. This has a cap of earnings per week.

What happens if you want to go away on holiday ?

The level of help that you are providing is not sustainable long term.

Your DM could live another 20 years +