Would this level of caring for a parent be too much?

I'd do it if I wasn't in employment. It would probably be too much for a working parent to take on.

💯 agree with posters saying don’t try and justify or get their approval. They are unlikely to concede whatever you say.

You can state you are sad you are not to be able to do it, but you can’t.

I would advise against committing to anything (once or twice daily) or even mention you will pop in. At this stage, just make it clear your care is off the table. When they put something in place, or at the time, you can call in as frequently as works for you.

There is nothing wrong or bad about taking this stance.

‘I understand that DB is away for a total of three weeks in the summer holidays. Of course I’ll be working and caring for your grandchildren throughout that time. It’s a really good time for you to start getting used to having carers daily as I won’t be available for caring at all. I’d love to invite you to Sunday lunch with us at our house every week through July and August. See you then!’

This is a process for you. Quite clearly your mother is relentlessly determined to grind you into the ground by whatever emotional blackmail she can manage. Tbh I think going there at all is too much right now, given the situation in your earlier post and that she has not moved an inch since then. It may in the end be better to make an absolute boundary against caring at all. Maybe you will feel able to reintroduce some things once that boundary has changed a few things.

Just to say that I would expect her first response to be to continue to refuse external care, to have an accident and to end up in hospital, possibly more than once. That is the consequence of her decision.

OP, I'd be really.worried they dont book any carers and are banking on you caving in and doing all the care those weeks. It's not always easy to get respite care.

Id say you just cant do anything on those weeks at all... they know they've made you upset, stressed and ill but they're not changing.

At the end of the day you're the one with the power here so ignore the guilt tripping - mute, block, turn your phone off if ypu have to.

And deffo increase your hours if you can. You need to save for your own future and your kids.

Just for context what is the situation in normal weeks now when DB is not away? Have you been able to reduce the amount you are there day to day?

God, how awful for you and your DSis, and I'm sure your DF didn't want his daughters anywhere near his naked nether regions!

I hope you and your DSis are able to try and get back a decent relationship again soon. Your DM should never have expected you both to take on the job she was willing to do. 😞

OP, you've told DB and DM what you are able to offer so they are already aware that help will be needed from other sources. All you can do now is offer to perhaps find the relevant people/agencies who can offer the help that's needed for the 2/3 weeks.

I’ll be blunt; no way in Gods earth will I ever, do this again. I was roped into a ‘family caring team’ in an unknowing and non malicious way by DM when DDad became ill with Parkinson’s/Dementia and latterly cancer. DM was a wonderful carer but to the point that she expected her children (me and DSis) to follow her strict instructions, every hour of every day and without asking once, ‘are you ok with this’ or ‘how do you feel about this’? (I did not wish to see my dads penis or wipe his bum white frankly-I’m his daughter, not his wife… ) We entered into it willingly, and at first it was bearable, but by the end, 7 yrs later, I have no happy memories of my dad and I really hate my DM for expecting us to deal with him for so long, with no empathy for us. It broke me. I’ve been on anti-depressants ever since and can’t forgive her. It has also ruined the otherwise lifelong good relationship I had with my sister-it’s now very strained.
Please don’t do it-your DM needs paid carers in-and you need to remain stable for your children.

She’s obviously not had to do it.

Edited to clarify... You asked us to compose a text to help you explain your decision. That is a mistake and a trap you're setting for yourself. You don't need to explain yourself. And it wouldn't do any good anyway. There aren't any magic words that you can say to make your mother less selfish and more reasonable.
The text you send needs to put responsibility onto your brother. It needs to be full of positive forward momentum, straightforward, unapologetic, confident, assertive...

"Hi mum and brother, as I said earlier I am not able to provide care for the period of time in the summer when brother is away on holiday."

Side note - it is very very important you do not under any circumstances give any reasons to justify this statement. Do not explain why you can't provide care because this will be seen as an opportunity to argue/reason with you. You don't want to argue or compromise. State your limit. There is no further conversation to be had about the boundary you put in place. Also importantly, do not apologise

Anyway back to the text

"...I will be able to pop in to see mum on (day) from (time) to (time) each week. There are a few months to arrange alternative care for mum before brother goes away. I suggest we get the ball rolling now to avoid brother needing to cancel his summer plans. I'm happy to make a phonecall to (local care company). Brother, would you please research and phone meals on wheels and a cleaner/housekeeping service. Can you think of any other provision mum might need in your absence? It would probably be best if we put these services in place as soon as possible so that mum has time to get used to them before brother leaves.
Love you both, have a great weekend xxx"

1you will help for an hour in the morning and THAT IS IT

be firm, they have one hour of your time to clean/help them/put the washing on etc - after that they have carers

and given her attitude frankly that is generous!!

I feel for you OP but you must stand firm - the more you do, they wont have carers you need to be cruel to be kind

you also need your own life!

I would stop for a moment and decide what you can realistically do, then tell them. So if you think you can go round first thing, do breakfast, getting dressed help etc tell them that. I read your earlier posts btw and you are doing far too much. What's being expected of you is completely unrealistic. Your mother needs carers.

I would just state that you only have capacity to do XYZ as you need to parent your DC and if they aren’t willing to accept that gracefully then you won’t do anything at all from Monday.

I would also be reminding your Mum that she didn’t do an elder care so she has no concept of how much this impacting your DC.

I cared for my late parent for over 10 years, six as a live in. I did everything including personal care.

Things you should have in place: Powers of Attorney for Health and Wellbeing and Finances; Respect form/DNA; Attendance Allowance; if you meet the criteria Carer's Allowance or Carer's Credit; Care Needs Assessment and Care Plan, including an Emergency Care Plan; Carer's Assessment; OT assessment for equipment; entry onto priority services register.

Is your parent self funding? If not, you also need a Local Authority Financial Assessment through Adult Social Services.

Once the assessments are in place, you will be able to work out who does what as you can show it is not just five minutes here and there. The biggest cost of caring is not time or money, it is the mental load. This is often not understood or overlooked.

Oh btw you don’t have to be on the edge of physical or mental collapse before you involve other people in caring for an elderly relative. It takes a village etc. It’s ok to decide that you’re doing ok and you’d like to stay that way!

Practice bursting out laughing when she comes out with this ridiculous stuff ‘oh don’t mind me, I’ll just die unloved in the corner’ when you have the temerity to have a life.

Oh, that hits a nerve, our mothers were separated at birth!
The manipulation knows no bounds.
Set your boundaries.
Prioritise your dc and yourself.
Cut the rope. Do what is acceptable to you, ensuring it isn’t detrimental to yourself and dc.
You will be pushed back by DB and your mum. Let them push. Ignore. Currently you’re enabling her manipulation. Not a criticism, I get it, I enabled my mother. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Please, don’t be me. I’ve said that repeatedly on your thread lovely, but I wish someone said to me what I’m saying to you. Huge hugs x

It's just emotional blackmail. She is being unkind and unfair. You have done loads of care for her at the expense of your own career and your children's wellbeing. Your responsibility is for your children first and foremost. Stay strong and ignore her guilt-tripping remarks.

Bollocks to that shit. You are going above and beyond just repeat that no you can't, no you won't sorry you feel that way.

She will get over it and in her heart of hearts she must know the truth op. Don't be defeated x

Turn it around at least in your mind

She is a horrible mother who doesn't love you or your children as much as you hoped she might

No!

Make an appointment with your GP to talk about you and your health.

Contact your local carers centre and ask to speak to an advice / support worker.

If there's a charity for her particular condition, phone them and ask to speak to an advice / support worker.

Phone Adult Social Care and ask for a carer's assessment.

Do it in this order.

Your mother is making you ill.

I’m tempted to suggest that you say ‘alright mum, if I don’t love you, you won’t want me around, will you?’

Honestly, she sounds off the scale manipulative and OTT. This is your moment, @Overwhelmedandneedadvice , do NOT cave in! Work out what you feel you can realistically do and tell her and DB. Practice saying ‘I cannot do more or I will collapse’ and repeat, repeat, repeat.

I had many years of being a parent’s emotional support person - starting in early childhood, continuing through very serious chronic illness, about 40 years in all. It was in my DNA, as I expect it is in yours. Changing the relationship feels absolutely terrible, but it can be done, truly. It won’t feel like it, but you hold the power here. That’s why she’s kicking off.

Yeah, she will! Ignore the guilt tripping op - make a point of doing something nice with your DC. She's sulking because her servant isnt operating as she's programmed to.

This is emotional blackmail. Ignore her.

She'll just have to accept you will do what you can.

Good for you if you want to do it , i chose to have my 3 children but not once has it crossed my mind that if i'm ever in this position would i expect them to -
put themselves in financial difficulty by cutting their hours,
give up their free time ,social life, mental and physical wellbeing,
spend what little time they have with me and not their own children /family,
and worse of all wipe my backside.
The op is clearly coming to the end of their tether and your comments are very unhelpful , i think most people will think the same.