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To try and get my Dad back to the UK so he can die here

258 replies

Ataloss23 · 10/05/2026 20:14

I am looking for a bit of support with this, as I don't really know where to start!

My Dad lives in the USA, born in Scotland but moved over in 2019 when he married his wife who he met whilst traveling over there.

18 months ago he was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He tolerated treatment well, and we have been lucky to get more time with him.

He decided he wanted to move back to Scotland, so he could live out his days here. He sought advice from lawyers and they began the immigration process for his wife, which has been long winded. She has paid all of her fees, including NHS fees and had her embassy interview 9 weeks ago. We have been told it takes up to 12 weeks to get a response.

His treatment over the past few months hasn't gone as well as it has been, and he has taken a real decline this week. I've ended up flying over to America to be with him as we don't know how much time he has left. We are discussing hospice options, and he has said that he would much rather find a way to get back to Scotland, because he still wants to die back home. So I am trying to do everything I can to get him home, but would really appreciate some guidance.

His Dr here has said that he may be able to discharge him for flying, if he feels he would be able to manage the whole flight and we can manage his pain. My concern is how quickly could we access services in the UK? We live quite rurally, so not the same issues for getting access to GP as people in larger populated areas experience. I'm more concerned about how we would access District Nurses, pain relief, stuff like that rather than home support/hospice/care home, as we will be providing his care at home and should manage it all between us.

And regarding the Immigration process - his wife is unable to travel to the UK while immigration clearance is ongoing. Is there a way to expedite this to get him home this week does anyone think? As much as he wants to be here to die, he doesn't want to be here without her. I have plans to phone Immigration in the morning from over here to see what we can do, as I feel this is the biggest challenge we are going to face.

I know this isn't a very common situation, but does anyone have anything similar that they could share with me, or have any professional insight regarding accessing District Nurses or Immigration?

I'm also trying to suss out what services we will need to get him home - private ambulance from the hospital to my house, a hospital bed (can I even get one of these in the house if I don't have access to OTs? Pain management in the community etc. Is there anything else I haven' considered that I need to look into?

I know we are probably chasing something that isn't possible, but I want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to meet his wishes.

Any thoughts or advice would be great please!

OP posts:
dnasurprise · 14/05/2026 16:07

So sorry OP. You have tried your best, I was in a similar situation with my dad albeit in Spain. We also couldn't get him home. In retrospect I'm glad as the time left was so short and really all he wanted was peace.

Pallisers · 14/05/2026 14:59

I'm so sorry OP but you are such a good daughter for trying. Thinking of you and your dad and family.

shellyleppard · 14/05/2026 14:18

@Ataloss23 sorry to hear that your dad is not well. You tried your best for him, which is all you could have done. Sending hugs 🫂🙏❤️💐

Allseeingallknowing · 14/05/2026 14:11

You did your best, I’m sure your Dad appreciates that. Thinking of you, take care of yourself too.

jerkchicken · 14/05/2026 11:37

I’m so sorry to hear you are in this position. I’ve been where you are and am glad you can be with him in these last days. You aren’t alone.

Lougle · 14/05/2026 11:12

@Ataloss23 I'm sorry he's deteriorated so fast, but I'm glad you have a definitive answer to the question of travel. Now you can concentrate on making his last days as comfortable as possible.

Mcdhotchoc · 14/05/2026 10:55

Wishing you well. I was shocked when my brother was discharged to hospice at home in the USA. Nothing like my expectations based on the UK.
I hope he passes as peacefully as possible

stillawip · 14/05/2026 10:36

Oh OP, I am so sorry to read your update, but please know that you did everything you could to honour your dad’s wishes. A close friend of ours had pancreatic cancer and was unable to fly anyway because of all the controlled drugs he would have to carry with him - it was a ‘no’ from the airlines & insurers, I think.

maftan · 14/05/2026 10:30

I hope I'm not overstepping here and maybe it's not practical if Dad is so ill, but would you be able to play him some Scottish music while sitting with him? I know in my Mum's last days she smiled a lot even though she couldn't speak, when we played her the songs she and my late Dad loved when they were younger.

I know what it's like at this time, so I hope he has a peaceful journey and my thoughts are with you.

noctilucentcloud · 14/05/2026 09:08

I'm so sorry OP. I hope you're able to control any pain he has and it's a peaceful last couple of days for you all.

knitnerd90 · 14/05/2026 08:58

I am so sorry. Oncology services here are often world class but yes home health is a weak point and historically hospice has been under-utilised. It looks like a syringe driver is an infusion pump? We certainly have those.

Wishing you and your Dad love and comfort.

Mydustymonstera · 14/05/2026 07:41

Thinking of you.

kathryn mannix in her wonderful book on death and dying (with the end in mind) describes how often people who are dying talk about going home or going on a journey. Please don’t be surprised if this happens and your dad starts to think he is on his way home, in a way, he is, just comfort him. You are doing a brilliant job and your care shines through your words.

loislovesstewie · 14/05/2026 07:34

Please accept a huge hug from an anonymous person on mumsnet. I hope your dear dad is peaceful and pain free in the time you have together. You did all you could.

Roomforapony · 14/05/2026 07:17

I’m so sorry @Ataloss23, You are a blessing in your dad’s life and knowing that you’re with him will give him such comfort and solace. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers for the days and months ahead.

saraclara · 14/05/2026 07:09

I'm so sorry. I hope that the next few days are as calm as possible for you all. You did everything that you could.

PropertyD · 14/05/2026 07:08

Rightsraptor · 14/05/2026 07:06

My sympathy too, @Ataloss23. It's really tough but, as you say, at least you know you tried your hardest to give him what he wants.

Could you maybe recreate a bit of Scotland for him? I'm thinking of sounds really, Scots voices, poems read by Scots, Scottish music... whatever you can think of. I know one of my aunts died gently while listening to a favourite piece of music and I always thought how lovely it could be to drift off like that.

Love to you.

That is a lovely idea

Rightsraptor · 14/05/2026 07:06

My sympathy too, @Ataloss23. It's really tough but, as you say, at least you know you tried your hardest to give him what he wants.

Could you maybe recreate a bit of Scotland for him? I'm thinking of sounds really, Scots voices, poems read by Scots, Scottish music... whatever you can think of. I know one of my aunts died gently while listening to a favourite piece of music and I always thought how lovely it could be to drift off like that.

Love to you.

nomas · 14/05/2026 06:40

Sorry to hear that OP. He knows you tried your best for him. It’s good you are with him.

Steelworks · 14/05/2026 06:29

Sending love from across the pond.

suki1964 · 14/05/2026 05:20

Thinking of you Ataloss

LBFseBrom · 14/05/2026 05:13

I'm so sorry, Ataloss.

Ataloss23 · 14/05/2026 02:22

Just an update

We are still in the US. We soon realised he was no longer able to weight bear, it became apparent that we would not be able to get him home.

He has been brought back to his home in America, which has been an eye opener to say the least. They do not use syringe drivers here, so I am managing his pain with sublingual meds myself as and when required. Although we were discharged to home with no meds, but told they would be delivered shortly after we got home, although it was around 8 hours later which was horrendous. His oncology care in the US prior to this was brilliant and I couldn't fault it. The hospice nurses are truly incredible, but system is so broken.

He has deteriorated significantly today, and we will likely have him for a couple of days at most. We are just keeping him as comfortable as possible.

Thank you for all your kind words. I know it was overly ambitious, but I know that I tried everything I could to get him home. If I hadn't tried, I would never have been able to forgive myself. He came to terms with being in America yesterday morning before coming home, so I have comfort in knowing that he is aware we tried.

OP posts:
Allseeingallknowing · 12/05/2026 17:17

Ataloss23 · 10/05/2026 21:45

Thank you so much for your support. I have emailed and asked if there is an option to register via a Near Me consultation. They are aware of his situation already as I had reached out to see about continuing his oncology care when they first started the process to move back home. I will see what is said when they open in the morning as my experience is that their team are very supportive and accomodating - I know I'm one of the lucky ones but I can't fault my GP surgery

How did you get on?

TeaPot496 · 12/05/2026 17:13

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2026 17:12

Actually, “burnout GP”, I have a lot of admiration for the NHS staff generally. They gave mostly provided my family with some excellent care in difficult circumstances. But I’m not so blinkered to think it’s perfect, especially at the moment. If you honestly believe someone will be able to access palliative care with all that entails at basically no notice then you’re misleading people.

We did. Next day. And OP is giving notice, see her last post.

Soontobe60 · 12/05/2026 17:12

BurnoutGP · 10/05/2026 22:14

This is not the thread for the usual MN GP/NHS bashing. Read the sodding room.

Actually, “burnout GP”, I have a lot of admiration for the NHS staff generally. They gave mostly provided my family with some excellent care in difficult circumstances. But I’m not so blinkered to think it’s perfect, especially at the moment. If you honestly believe someone will be able to access palliative care with all that entails at basically no notice then you’re misleading people.