Financial envy as a single parent

OP, I know how you feel. I'm a single mum, have been for 15 years and while I have a house in an lovely area, for all the time ds has been at school, I've felt like the poor relation. Other families cars, pools, skiing holidays, etc

I've not struggled to pay the electricity bill or feed us, ds hasn't gone without but there's no spare for luxuries.

However, I've started to think I'm the lucky one. One friend (perfect house & big six-figure job) is struggling with a dh who refuses to work and threatens to take her for half of everything. Another whose husband had put the house up as surety on a business loan, failed to sell his business in time and the bank has foreclosed so she's losing her home.
Another has quietly asked me how I manage because she is unhappy and wants to divorce.

My home is not perfect but it's safe and 100% mine, no-one is going to take half or gamble it away.

Be thankful you are a financially independent, professional lady. You are doing brilliantly in a world that is not easy.

Op, unlike you, I am probably in the lowest 10% when it comes to salary, I have a very nice house in a good area, which I couldn’t afford on my own, it was the family home and I managed to keep it after divorce.

I know which parts of my house are looking a bit shabby but most people who come to my house wouldn’t be able to notice them or care about them if they did. People think that I am loaded or that my useless ex is keeping me on style as the house’s contents “are” expensive. Little do people know that the vast majority of them have come from charity shops and Facebook market place. I don’t feel miserable about this, it has become some sort of a hobby.

I have more expensive holidays than my married friends (by far) but then I never go to the cinema, I meet with friends 2-3 times a week but I am hardly ever out for dinner probably because I could rarely afford a babysitter when my son was young and I just kept doing the same things, I don’t drink, do not have memberships or subscriptions apart of Netflix, drive a very well cared for 10 year old car, my clothes are mostly from the charity shop and contrary to my expectations there was no change to my face when I moved from exclusively using Clarins face products to Aldi ones.

So I would say, embrace the challenge and hold in there, once your child finishes nursery you will have more disposable income. It is all about not to wasting the money in things you don’t care about and spending it on what is important to you. Don’t compare yourself to other people as you really don’t know what problems they have, I have friends who have great cars, nice houses, lovely holidays, even sending kids to private school, but have a level of debt they are often in arrears or at a risk of being evicted. So don’t compare yourself to other ones, you may not be having the luxuries they have because you are more sensible than them.

Also this. My motivation in living simply but having a good lifestyle is also very much that everything is utterly dependent on my salary. So I'd rather have a smaller mortgage etc but be able to enjoy our lifestyle because that's also easily cut back on if I had to take a job that didn't pay as well. I think there's a very different balance you need to strike when you're a lone parent and the sole income in your household. I'd much rather prioritise that security than the house itself. I think people usually tend to live to their means irregardless of what their income is but when it's just you and you have a child depending on you I think it just is very different.

I really understand how you feel OP. I often feel similar!

I just think there’s no point feeling rubbish about it as it doesn’t get us anywhere.

With you, OP. No envy whatsoever over marriages/partnerships but getting into my 50s with no end in sight whilst my married peers are considering retirement….urgh! Not fair at all. But I have peace and freedom and I choose to spend what money I have on travel. And mounjaro. And dresses. And I hang out pretty much exclusively with other single women. Could be a lot worse.

I think it's natural to compare ourselves to people who seem to be better off than us. When I'm feeling like that I try very hard to recognise my privilege compared to most people in the world. Their relationships may not be happy ones either.

I also think it helps to think ‘would I trade a bigger home for having to live with her husband and spend Xmas with his family and having to discuss my Botox budget with him and clean his smelly socks ‘ etc etc also stops me fantasizing about their great life in their big house!

Im in a similar position, professional, all my friends are rich

whats helping me is trying to really focus on what IS in my control. I can’t make my home bigger but I can make it more decluttered and better decorated, and I can make myself and my child better groomed and dressed. And also we can do holidays, they’re not as luxe but they’re still fun.
I dream of a huge eat in kitchen with island and bar stools and bifold doors into a lush garden with Ibiza style furniture and a big lawn for my son to run around on. Crucially I don’t think my friends who do have this are objectively happy they have some kind of husband drama or health issue or work thing that’s making them unhappy too. So I try not to hold my breath and try to see the good in what I’ve got - I have a stable clean safe home even if it’s a flat, and my son and I have so many fun adventures and on my death bed I’ll be dreaming about them not how nice my loft conversion is.

We are very similar then. And this sounds trite but some of your attached (and more wealthy) friends will maybe secretly envy you. One person left me stunned once when she confided in me that she felt my children and I were the luckiest people she knew. I'm not saying it's true but it stopped me in my tracks. I didn't see myself as lucky - we got shafted and my children deserved more from their father. But in ways she is right. Sorry, that sounds very grass is greener and cheer up chuck.. maybe what I'm saying is things will look very different in time.

You're in the top 10% of earners prob puts you above most couples combined as many women work part time and many people earn low salaries. You're actually doing really well and should be really proud of yourself. Many single mums live in poverty due to the societal norm of deprioritising women's careers. Your DD has a lot to look up to in my opinion.

I'm also a single mum, earning in top 5% and I'm about to buy a bigger house than most of my friends in couples, but yes I feel a lot of burnout and pressure because of the financial burden of being the only source of income.

Best not to compare as jealousy really is the thief of joy. Focus on what you do have in your life.

The thing is, you can be married with the huge house with all the lovely furniture but you only ever own half of it. So if you think about it, if they live in a 4-bed with two adults and two children and you live in a two bed with 1 child, you are actually doing just as well as them. So focus on your security - you never again have to go through the divorce that they might yet go through and lose their homes.

Another friend lives in a massive 5 bed detached, lovely huge garden, again, kitchen bigger than our entire flat etc.

But... They can't go on holiday, they don't go anywhere... because they are mortgaged to the hilt and have 3 expensive cars on finance.

They were absolutely agog that we went in holiday about 5 times last year, where they can't go on holiday at all. We can go on holidays do often because 1. We don't spend all our money on houses and cars,...and 2. We find cheap deals, and I mean CHEAP, staying in a tent in a friends farm, house sitting for a friend by the seaside, caravan park holidays etc.

So her friends will be like "ohhhh we're going to Disneyland yaaaaaY". AND DD will happily say "I went there last summer it was amazing' and the parents look at us all confused lol
Their holiday was spending a week in the main Disney Hotel and having character breakfasts.... Ours? we know someone who works there, so we can get in for free, and spend a night at theirs on their sofa after having driven there on the cheapest ferry possible ha ha

DD lives the camping more than Disney anyway... She sleeps next to the horses field, eats marshmallows af sausages all weekend, goes on a tree swing and plays in a hammock and plays in a tent.... Far more fun than queues of two hours at Disney 😂

It's an aside but just for perspective. Do you think you might ever meet someone new one day? Is that something you would like?
You don't envy couples in other ways, which I understand. I'm the same.

In the early days of being a heartbroken single parent I wondered if I might meet someone fabulous (and solvent lol) and build with them a better standard of living, the one I hoped I would have when I went to uni, studied, got married etc.

More recently I have found great peace in being single (have never even dated but just came to find that peace organically) and now I see my slight financial precarity as a single parent as the price I'm paying for that emotional freedom and the pride I feel in all I have achieved on my own.

And also, the kids DD is friends with
...don't see their parents most days for more than an hour, collected by childminders after staying at after school clubs until 6pm... theyre dragged to ballet, swimming, stage coach etc at weekends...

They barely see their parents....then are flown all over the world on holidays the parents want to go on. Her friend was 4 and taken to South Africa for a week in the October of half term in Reception.... Madness.

Not all that glitters is gold and all that.

My DD went to a private school, almost by accident it was a really good nursery that fed into the school and so we left her there her friends were there by then too. We were definitely some of the poorest parents and our house was definitely one of the shabbiest. I just tried to ignore it and they really didn't seem to care, play dates and sleepovers both ways. You tend to think people look and judge more than they do. Don't worry about it.

Yes but the point is.... If you have less money, it doesn't make you a bad parent
..and you just don't have the money... It's just one of those things. Make peace with it.

Your child is loved, fed, warm and happy... That's all that matters

I mean, I'm in q similar position but I'm making a very conscious choice with what I spend my money on.

We live in a smaller house, we have less but it's kept well and it means I can afford to do more with ds. We can do holidays and trips out and while I absolutely have to watch my budget I can afford what we want plus save a little. I'd rather have a smaller mortgage etc and a good lifestyle than a show house and be pinching pennies.

I'd also say that more people than you realise are in a lot of debt. They'll tell you all about the lovely holiday but not that its been financed.

Equally our home is so peaceful, I'm not reliant on a man who could screw us over again, I don't need to pussyfoot round anyone else's feelings etc, our home is a safe and happy place. Plenty of those lovely houses you're in won't have that vibe.

I think it's a case of be careful what you wish for because the grass is always greener but nothing is ever perfect.