School saying things about both our kids now- 6 and 4.

Exactly this

My child has adhd and it has been apparent since nursery. Sometimes you can just tell. We could, and an experienced nursery teacher picked it up early.

Your husband probably needs to educate himself on ND a little.

DC2 who does have autism and ADHD was absolutely fine at school until year 8. Diagnosis at age 20 while at university.

Hi @GranolaBakerhow is your son? How did the diagnosis at 16 come about? Thank you

Totally agree with this, if you're in an area where the school has a waiting list and they would prefer to have only easy typical kids, you might be better off moving them to a state school that's more geared up for kids with different needs. I know of a few families who stuck it out too long in private school with neurodiverse kids, with their needs not being met and the school just seeing them as a problem. Private schools can be brutal about not supporting kids who won't make their results look good, so it's worth having a plan B ready just in case.

My daughter is adhd / dyspraxic. She would fall
over whilst sitting down at carpet time.

Lol, my ds3 was a lot like this when young. Beautifully behaved, very bright but couldn't sit still - the best he could manage was to fidget around a fixed point. I can remember saying to his reception teacher "I dont think he can actually sit still" and, sure enough, he couldn't.

Then he grew up and all was fine. No adhd, no neurodiversity, studying at Cambridge. Really good drummer which is how he burns off excess energy these days.

That mostly applies to senior schools not prep or pre prep.

I wouldn't be too worried OP. Some children are very hype active, my son was. It meant nothing more than he needed plenty of exercise and played lots of sport. He was very bright too. 4 is so young, sitting still can be hard.
Definitely watch and keep an eye out, but I wouldn't be unduly concerned. They sound like great children.

They probably just don’t think they’re academically bright and are sowing the seeds for getting you to leave. No private school wants their results affected

Ye my "model pupil" was so tightly and continously masking to keep everyone happy, she ended up suicidal and self harming and barely functioning. It took until secondary school for her to be unable to mask so tightly or function. And then 4 years of hell for anyone to take her seriously and a diagnosis and medication started. I so wish someone had raised concerns earlier.

None of it sounds serious OP. They might flat, fall and get up but both are dong well academically and socially; we need our quirks, this is what makes us individuals

My daughter (at a private school) had v similar issues flagged in year 2. She struggled to sit still sometimes (she once did a random bridge in assembly!!) and seemed a bit ‘day dreamy’ and like she wasn't listening in certain situations. She was well behaved, good friends and academic (although struggled somewhat with spelling-she read v well though). They thought she might have ADHD and advised assessing-we were’t sure as she was so young, plus it all seemed very variable (plus she’d been through covid times). We decided to see how things evolved. She had a dyslexia assessment aged 8 that was enlightening-lots of her issues appeared related to the high effort she needed to put in lessons to achieve how she was and understand what was happening etc and processing written/spoken information. Shes had dyslexia support in place, has also matured in many ways and has flown since. Now aged 10 totally loving school, recently described as a ‘model pupil’ at parents evening, great focus, very conscientious and no issues with sitting still at school!! Im glad we gave her time to develop and let things play out.

Some people seem to think if you accept the help offered then your children will be swept up and forced into some kind of system for the rest of their lives. Its isn't like that at all! It's a really slow process so all that would happen is that they'd start being assessed and having some extra support at school to help them. And I don't know how much time the posters have spent in preschool or reception with 4 year olds, but in my experience they're not made to sit still for long periods. Physical, social and imaginative play is as important as reading and writing and part of the daily routine. The majority of their learning is done through play.

Sounds like what my kids got described like when they were your kids’ age. Now one of them at 13 is diagnosed with autism, adhd and dyslexia and my girl, with anxiety and soon I expect to be diagnosed adhd at 14. Check it out. Worse case scenario is they have needs and you build accommodations to help them thrive. Saying or wishing it isn’t a thing won’t make it not a thing. But, they could just be growing. However, honestly, unlikely nothing is going on if concerns are being raised so little. And also, my kids are happy and thriving but I think some of that came from getting it identified early as if your kids don’t conform to the norm, halfway through primary it starts being seen as behaviour and a choice, which is demoralising and impacts their self esteem.

This^
100%

The school are seeing something. They need to put the right support in place. What are the school doing to support the children to access their education? I have 2 children both are ND but present very differently. The oldest had suspected ADHD and autism. The youngest has suspected ADHD and dyslexia. They are both academic, clever and dont have behavioural issues. The eldest is academically brilliant but socially immature. She is hyperfocued but also very disorganised. The youngest is academically and socially brilliant but struggles with emotional regulation. They both have sensory issues.

Have a hunt around locally. I did some training with the autism service. I noticed lots of things that point to ND following training. The training didn't just look at deficit and how people are struggling but also things that point to ND but are rather remarkable.

I'm afraid I would not rule out the possibility that it's private school bullshit. I have an academic non-sporty DS. He spent some time at a private school when we returned from living in a big American city. He had no problems at any other school he ever went to. The private school wanted a very specific sort of child - easy teach and sporty. They put us through the nonsense of investigating SEN and the circs in your original post sound startlingly similar. I would be very wary and start looking for another school asap

I am with your dh. My dniece was non-verbal until age 3, like not at all. Also did not follow instructions, only did what she wanted. Started speaking both languages (mum is French) at 3 or thereabouts. Very strong-willed, no issues with autism or adhd. Don't rush to push your dc into the mental health problems circle just yet. All this time my db was going mental, comparing his dd to everyone else, screaming at his wife 'I can have a conversation with so and so (dniece's age) and she is non-verbal!

If the school are mentioning it now that’s fantastic. I’ve had to fight for both my kids to be recognised as having additional support needs with the school even when our GP was in no doubt. It held up our assessment applications as the school didn’t agree.

if your school is picking up on issues now
then you’re getting in there early and if it turns out to be nothing then no harm, if it turns it to be adhd or something else then the support is in place from the start.

ASN aren’t just for people with diagnoses they’re for people who literally have additional support needs, including advanced learners btw. This isn’t about medication it’s about ensuring your kids are getting the support they need and you’re kept aware of it. Teachers don’t suggest this for fun, they don’t get commission on it, it’s their job to identify potential issues and it’s someone else’s job to work out whether that is a diagnosable condition or just some additional needs at that point in time

Wow private schools eh!!! Shocking!

Thank you for saying this. I think some people still blame parenting or sweets!

the brain is wired a bit differently and hormones will work slightly wonky!

There’s no shame in being diagnosed with ND. It’s just a different way of being.

We had a boy that a was extremely defiant and was diagnosed with asd. The specialist found his iron and Vit d were in the floor. There were big improvements once rectified.

Yes you’re right that issues very early on can just be immaturity and that is why we don’t usually start to push any investigations until end year 1 to 2. Extreme cases can be flagged earlier but that’s rarer.
However the school is right to raise it. Often parents agree they have issue at home too. But it always seems to be dads that are reluctant to see anything that may need extra support. I have no idea why.

Hi OP.

I think it’s a good thing they’re flagging things now! If there is a support need identified then it’s better to add this as early as possible.

There is so much more information nowadays which has helped children and adults get the support they need so that they don’t struggle on.

your husband should educate himself and not be so offended by the suggestions.

other posters who think “what’s the world coming to” can also learn a bit more too.

it may be that they don’t have any additional needs. But surely it doesn’t help to find out.

why don’t you suggest this to your husband and frame it as a way to rule things out rather than in.

The sitting and flopping does sound like some motor control needs and sensory needs maybe. This doesn't mean he needs a diagnosis or label, but may need more movements breaks built into his day or special cushions. He could have some OT sessions to work on this and they can advise some exercises and games to play at home. It may just help them catch up.

and please don’t be scared of medication. Medication for a lot of people diagnosed with ADHD can be life changing and give them back the life they deserve. I’ve seen it happen. I know meds doesn’t work for all - but ADHD is one of the diagnoses where I’d advocate for it.