Page 5 | To think 7yo deliberately hurting 2yo is not normal?

Xante · 2026-05-10T14:50:16+00:00

7yo SS has repeatedly hurt my 2yo DD. It’s not done in upset or anger, more play-fighting, but I feel it’s completely unacceptable. SS is generally a sweet boy who wants love and approval, but this is making me actively dislike him. How can we deal with this?

muggart · 10/05/2026 22:04

that’s really bad. my 4 year old knows not to do stuff like that to her younger sibling. he sounds disturbed.

Flightyflora · 10/05/2026 21:54

@Xante is your daughter safe at night when he is in the house ? Can he get into her bedroom ?

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 21:46

Xante · 10/05/2026 21:12

The majority of the time they do play nicely. SC aren’t here that often and it’s very rare that they’re not being directly supervised.

I did come very close to losing my shit, to be honest. Very close. I screamed at him. But when I spoke to him about it a few hours later, he was just full of excuses and distraction and I don’t think it had any impact at all.

DP is speaking to their mum and the school. I am going to ensure we’re out more when SC are here, and that DD doesn’t leave my sight. I’ve backed out of a family holiday; I’ll take DD somewhere just us two instead. I think DP knows how serious I am.

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How often do they see their dad as you say her they aren't here that often? Do you mean coming to your house or just in general that he doesn't see his dad that often?

It sounds tricky if you don't see them often to be the ones to enforce the boundaries and if you don't have them at yours regularly it's easier for things to slip due to lack of consistency and routine.

happysinglemama · 10/05/2026 21:25

Don’t take this lightly the kids shouldn’t be left unsupervised

Hankunamatata · 10/05/2026 21:23

Iv 3 adhders full siblings who could not be left alone togther under 10 years of age (or until they started medication).

House rules help massively. We had them on a big board on kitchen for all kids.
There was no play fighting, roughhousing or any interaction physical like that of any kind as it went too far and they didn't have limits.

Lots emphasis on kind and gentle hands.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/05/2026 21:18

Xante · 10/05/2026 21:12

The majority of the time they do play nicely. SC aren’t here that often and it’s very rare that they’re not being directly supervised.

I did come very close to losing my shit, to be honest. Very close. I screamed at him. But when I spoke to him about it a few hours later, he was just full of excuses and distraction and I don’t think it had any impact at all.

DP is speaking to their mum and the school. I am going to ensure we’re out more when SC are here, and that DD doesn’t leave my sight. I’ve backed out of a family holiday; I’ll take DD somewhere just us two instead. I think DP knows how serious I am.

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I’d be very nervous about this I have to say - you’ve had all this happen which is a huge red flag, next time it could be a lot more serious then questions from on-call SW in A&E have to be answered (I know this as I do some shifts in our A&E as extras on reception)

It maybe jealously or there could be an underlying issue

at least your partner knows your serious - I’d be calling his bluff and saying you’re going to stay with mum/family member/friend EVERY time that child comes over and that you don’t wish to see him - there’s an argument it’s your home too and you shouldn’t have to go but unless you say child isn’t welcome there because of this appalling behaviour and your partner has to go to his parents/ex partners house to visit I would be honest as to exactly why - I’m not sure what else you can do.

My kids are my world as I’m sure your daughter is yours and I wouldn’t be having this at all.

Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 21:12

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/05/2026 21:07

This
you need to protect your daughter against this child he sounds pure evil!
I wouldn’t be having him in the house and I’d tell your partner he will have to make alternative arrangements to see him. Your priority HAS to be your daughter here even if it costs you your relationship she should be your number one priory and after reading your bullet pointed list of stuff he’s done why is he STILL coming anywhere near her?
id have lost my shit a long time ago

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The majority of the time they do play nicely. SC aren’t here that often and it’s very rare that they’re not being directly supervised.

I did come very close to losing my shit, to be honest. Very close. I screamed at him. But when I spoke to him about it a few hours later, he was just full of excuses and distraction and I don’t think it had any impact at all.

DP is speaking to their mum and the school. I am going to ensure we’re out more when SC are here, and that DD doesn’t leave my sight. I’ve backed out of a family holiday; I’ll take DD somewhere just us two instead. I think DP knows how serious I am.

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Backincontrol · 10/05/2026 21:11

Xante · 10/05/2026 16:00

I want them to build a relationship, and she loves being around him, but it’s happening too many times to be accidental.

He has a younger sister at his mum’s too who apparently hates him, and his older sisters barely tolerate him, so he is often very excited to play with DD (and she is too).

I’ve noticed in other social settings, he’s very unaware of how to interact in a friendly way and invades other children’s space - tickling them or wrestling with them when they clearly don’t want it. He doesn’t have many friends.

I’m worried that if he acts like this barely out of my eyesight, what am I missing?

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You can’t take your eyes off them. Don’t trust him for even a second.

BettyCrockersLocker · 10/05/2026 21:10

EsmeSusanOgg · 10/05/2026 18:37

This really sounds like ADHD/ ASD struggling with cues and impulse control. Wanting to play. But also being jealous.

If school share your concerns - then I suspect you are correct in your read of the situation RE ADHD.

I agree. Also the lack of social awareness, lack of friends and incessant talking. Schools often miss asd/adhd so I wouldn't put weight on their opinion personally.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 10/05/2026 21:07

CeciliaMars · 10/05/2026 15:58

That’s not normal - it’s awful. Dropping her on concrete? He needs psychiatric help.

This
you need to protect your daughter against this child he sounds pure evil!
I wouldn’t be having him in the house and I’d tell your partner he will have to make alternative arrangements to see him. Your priority HAS to be your daughter here even if it costs you your relationship she should be your number one priory and after reading your bullet pointed list of stuff he’s done why is he STILL coming anywhere near her?
id have lost my shit a long time ago

Stoicandhappy · 10/05/2026 21:04

This is not normal at all. I agree with PP that you can’t allow DSS access to DD unless you are there to prevent further injury or distress to her. She needs to be your priority.

Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 21:02

Whenlifegiveslemons · 10/05/2026 20:56

Without judgement, this response says so much. I really think you need to let go of the idea theres nothing actually wrong with him & he isnt malicious - evidently, he is. Constant pushing, dropping on concrete - isnt normal. He is 7 years old, he knows what good behaviour is - its all intentional.

My thought is that he is craving attention any way possible & gets more from bad behaviour towards siblings so thats what he does. He must have no boundaries at his other home so i'm sure very confusing for him if such violence towards other kids is allowed or at least not reprimanded, its his go-to play.

He needs an assessment at his GP, a behavioural plan at school if he struggles with all friendships too. Id guess there is something neurological (adhd/autism) going on. Things could be put in place to help him, it wont improve otherwise.

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Yes; DP is going to speak to the school again.

He has a lot of potential and I think if he was being raised in one home, with set boundaries and expectations and regular attention, he’d probably be completely fine. He’s so keen to get praise and attention and I think you’re right that violence between children is normal in his other house. I worry that he’ll end up seeking validation in the wrong places sooner than we realise, just to get attention.

I’m not sure I agree it’s neurodiversity so much as learned behaviour as a result of his environment, but do think perhaps school intervention could help.

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Whenlifegiveslemons · 10/05/2026 20:56

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:07

he sounds very much like a child who wants attention and doesn't care if it's positive or not.

Exactly that. He often talks just to hold your attention, saying absolutely nothing of value. I think he gets so excited to have attention from DD that he gets carried away. He’s always laughing as he hurts her and I genuinely don’t think it’s intentionally malicious. Whilst he’s being physical, he’s getting someone’s undivided attention.

If you talk to him about it when he’s calm, it’s always someone else’s fault. I don’t think he sees any issue with his behaviour at all.

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Without judgement, this response says so much. I really think you need to let go of the idea theres nothing actually wrong with him & he isnt malicious - evidently, he is. Constant pushing, dropping on concrete - isnt normal. He is 7 years old, he knows what good behaviour is - its all intentional.

My thought is that he is craving attention any way possible & gets more from bad behaviour towards siblings so thats what he does. He must have no boundaries at his other home so i'm sure very confusing for him if such violence towards other kids is allowed or at least not reprimanded, its his go-to play.

He needs an assessment at his GP, a behavioural plan at school if he struggles with all friendships too. Id guess there is something neurological (adhd/autism) going on. Things could be put in place to help him, it wont improve otherwise.

Needspaceforlego · 10/05/2026 20:53

outerspacepotato · 10/05/2026 16:23

Separate now. Keep your child safe. Dad can visit at your place only without stepson.

His dad needs to have him assessed and into therapy ASAP.

I would have your child in for a physical. There might be injuries you have missed.

He's actively harming your much younger child. This will likely escalate if you don't do something now.

Re-home any pets.

Edited

Separating isn't going to solve the issue. Dad will still end up with all his kids at his house at the same time.
And only one set of eyes to watch him and the 3 girls.

The boy needs support. He's dealing with a lot of stuff, gone from being the youngest to having younger siblings on both sides in a relatively short period of time.

Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:52

safetyfreak · 10/05/2026 20:41

I know he is only 7, but what you said sounds very concerning. Your number one priority is your daughter and ensuring she is protected and safe from potential harm.

I agree. After centring his needs all weekend over hers because he’s the neediest child and I feel sorry for him because of his constant attention seeking, and then him behaving like this, I feel like I’ve let her down. But it’s not simple. One way or another he’ll always be in her life.

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Bananachews · 10/05/2026 20:46

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safetyfreak · 10/05/2026 20:41

I know he is only 7, but what you said sounds very concerning. Your number one priority is your daughter and ensuring she is protected and safe from potential harm.

Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:37

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 20:22

Does the school have a family support worker you can talk to? The fact you mention the teacher also having some concerns makes me wonder if they can offer any intervention.

Does he go to any clubs? My kids do martial arts which is great for discipline.

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He has a sports club which we take him to, but he does nothing at his mum’s. If we had him more I’d sign him up to martial arts; he’d love it.

He’s not made any friends at the sport club despite going for the past three years, and when I watch him interact with his teammates, I can see how he invades their space and is too physical with them.

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Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:34

Oreoqueen87 · 10/05/2026 20:26

As the constant attention is never enough, it does sound like something else is in play (as well). Could you afford family therapy? It sounds like the family dynamic isn’t working, he’s being borderline bullied by his sisters and is in turn bullying your DD. Family therapy could unpick that, and if there is ND the psychologist could help identify it. I wouldn’t go for counselling as it’s too complex, I think you need a proper family psychologist.

I think you get the need to supervise them permanently at this point; I think you need to show your DP so he gets it too.

Whilst I agree family therapy could be useful for him, his mum would never agree to it, and he spends the majority of his time in her household. From what I know, the rules and expectations are very different in his two houses.

I have suggested play therapy at school to his mum in the past, to help him with social interactions. She said no.

I’ve spoken to DP again about it tonight and he’s going to raise it with their mum (but expects to be told SS is a normal, boisterous boy) and with the school again. He agrees DD and SS are to be kept separate unless closely supervised, and that SS is not to touch DD. I feel sorry for her because she loves her brother but it’s not safe.

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Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:28

TalulahJP · 10/05/2026 20:09

stop leaving them together alone.

at the other household is the step dad hands on. Does he “wrestle and tickle”? it’s an awful thought but you never know what else may be going on :-(

I have no idea, DP and their mum are not on good terms and I’ve only met the stepdad a couple of times in passing. I know SS spends quite a lot of time with him (I assume because this keeps him out of his sisters’ way).

The thought has crossed my mind that if he’s this incapable of keeping his hands to himself and understanding social cues now, how will this represent when hormones kick in? Will he be a sexual risk to DD as well as a physical risk?

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Oreoqueen87 · 10/05/2026 20:26

As the constant attention is never enough, it does sound like something else is in play (as well). Could you afford family therapy? It sounds like the family dynamic isn’t working, he’s being borderline bullied by his sisters and is in turn bullying your DD. Family therapy could unpick that, and if there is ND the psychologist could help identify it. I wouldn’t go for counselling as it’s too complex, I think you need a proper family psychologist.

I think you get the need to supervise them permanently at this point; I think you need to show your DP so he gets it too.

Moonnstarz · 10/05/2026 20:22

Xante · 10/05/2026 19:44

I agree that he feels left out. I think if he had a brother of the same age, or even a younger half-brother, he wouldn’t feel so left out. He feels sorry for himself a lot for having so many sisters.

At our house, he gets a lot more individual attention than SDs purely because they have each other and his hobbies are different, and I suspect it’s the same at his other house.

What kind of external support would you envisage?

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Does the school have a family support worker you can talk to? The fact you mention the teacher also having some concerns makes me wonder if they can offer any intervention.

Does he go to any clubs? My kids do martial arts which is great for discipline.

ChewbaccasMrs · 10/05/2026 20:21

Xante please look up psychotic behaviour in children,it's been noted in children as young as 2-3 and I think you'll be surprised by how much of you're SS behaviour is noted.

Please protect your DD before something irreversible happens and you end up with Social services involved.

Original poster

Xante · 10/05/2026 20:10

Bananachews · 10/05/2026 20:06

Yes I would be worried and I wouldn’t be leaving them unsupervised for the foreseeable.

By the sounds of it he doesn’t have any good sibling relationships at all so he probably doesn’t understand how to actually build one. How often do you and DP spend quality time with him? From what you have said you are constantly shouting at him so that probably isn’t helping either. Apparently even negative attention makes children feel good so if the only way he is getting attention from you both is by hurting his sister he will keep doing it.

I think you need to teach him how to actually play with your daughter. My 5 year old has been a bit rough with my 8 month old the last couple of months (not the extend of squeezing legs until they bruised etc) but still too rough for a baby. I’ve taken lots of time to sit with him and my baby and show him how I want him to play and given him some toys that are just his to play with his brother. You could get them both to ask the other to play something of their choice and set a timer for 15 minutes before swapping to the others choice. You could introduce star charts and reward them both every time they play nicely, with a treat when they reach 10 stars?.

I’ve also make an effort to take both of the children out separately and come back with a small gift from one child to another. Obviously I pick the present from the baby to my eldest but my eldest loves it. Could you do similar with them both?

I think you need to build their relationship up for it to stop. I would bet he is a young boy who gets absolutely no quality time with anyone and is lashing out in the wrong way as it’s the only way people notice him.

I’m not constantly shouting at him at all. I have shouted at him maybe 4 times ever, for hurting DD. This weekend I spent 1.5hrs with just him on Saturday, and DP spent 1hr with just him today. He gets more individual time than anyone else but it’s never enough.

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TalulahJP · 10/05/2026 20:09

stop leaving them together alone.

at the other household is the step dad hands on. Does he “wrestle and tickle”? it’s an awful thought but you never know what else may be going on :-(