to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

My take on this is a little different and I really hope this doesn’t upset you.
I think you need to really think about your attitude in comparing other peoples outsides with your own “insides” (as in your thoughts/ emotions/ hardships).
I also think you need to reflect on the way that you’re comparing your daughter’s physical appearance and clothes with other girls.
Your daughter has serious body image problems and your own reaction to the pain, stress and overwhelm is actually very similar in that you are negatively comparing yourself to others.
I’m not trying to make a particular point, but it might help you to recognise this as you don’t seem to have put it together.

Ah you seem to have a really difficult situation. Are you getting any support from family or professionals?

Just want to say one of my friends went through this as a teenager. Everyone was so worried about her and life was very difficult for her and her mum for quite a few years.

She's much better now. She's an adult, married and has a lovely home and children of her own. She's very close to her mum, they often go on girls weekends away and she's much happier.

You can both get through this and have happier times ahead💐

My DD is older than yours, but similar issues around MH and ED, she was diagnosed as autistic 2 years ago. It is relentless caring for someone like this, and you do need outlets to express your grief (even if it's strangers on the internet!). I agree with others that a lot of it is about completely adjusting your definition of 'success', this takes practice, and sometimes the wins feel very very small. But they are still worth celebrating.

Sending solidarity, you are doing an amazing job. It's bloody hard x

You want to be careful saying that on here. I said something similar quite recently and one poster said I was vile because I was wishing ills onto other people to make myself feel better about my own situation 🙈

It is so fucking hard op. Our dd wasn't as bad as yours, but ten years on and she's a properly functioning adult, holding down a job and with a bf and friendship circle.

I used to dread coming home to deal with her and if she wasn't downstairs, dread going upstairs in case she had done the unthinkable.

I hope she is receiving optimal clinical support. DD improved 100 fold when I twigged that I had to send a note after every meeting with camhs, setting out all that was discussed and everything they had agreed to do with a time-frame. Registered delivery, copied to the MP. It turned out she had well masked ADHD and some autistic traits but not enough for an ASD diagnosis. They got her on the right pathways when I involved the MP.

Sending love and recovery vibes. It's shit.

It sounds more like you're mourning the life you thought you'd have, rather than full on comparing to these women.

If things were "normal" (for want of a better word, don't like the word normal tbh) in your life, would you care if they were glossier or their houses were bigger, etc?

The thing is you’re not just comparing to specific people - you’re comparing to the simple dreams you had for your kids when they were little which the vast majority of families are just plodding along and achieving

Is she autistic OP? Just wondering as anorexia is so common in girls with ASD and because she went to a school event in a boiler suit type thing which sounds like something an ASD teen might do, plus the meltdowns - and suicide ideation probably not uncommon either. Might be completely wrong though of course.

I think by comparing you are missing the small wins as others here are saying. You need to rethink what looks like a disaster/amazing. For your dd her going out was an achievement, her going to an event was an achievement and her going to 2 events at school was a huge achievement. If you can reframe each small step as a huge achievement rather than a disaster compared to the other families then it might help things not seem quite so bleak.

Glossy mums talking gymnastic competitions do not sound like your people though. Is there really no one more down to earth? This all sounds incredibly hard OP and I'm sure is completely draining, try to look after yourself in there as well because you need it too.

I have a friend who on social media and when out in public looks like she has the perfect life. Lots of family support, husband earns well so she can work part time and be around for the kids, lots of happy family photos get posted, holidays, events, always well presented etc.

In reality, she is absolutely miserable. Her kids behave appallingly and speak to her like shit. Her husband spends more time doing unpaid overtime than being at home and has openly told her he'd rather be there than at home. Her parents complain at her constantly about "having" to help out and tell her everything she's doing wrong. They're in massive amounts of debt, she hates her job and can't find another one.

You see a snippet of people's lives and compare it to your whole life. That snippet is what they want to present and isn't always real.

It sounds like you have it harder than average and I'm sorry that's the case. But to answer your question, you remember that a few hours of what they present to the world is not the same as their whole life, and therefore you can't make accurate comparisons. So don't.

What an amazing mum you are.

you’re allowed to feel them feels it’s ok x

are you me? I literally couls have written this about my eldest. We also have the chocolate teapot in our lives.
Im so sorry to hear you're going through this too.
There will be brighter days for us all but its so bloody rough! Living with the sword hanging over your head of them deteriorating/ stopping eating and drinking/ hurting you etc.
Its really bloody unfun.

I understand what you mean. My DS had a breakdown and has pretty much been in his bedroom for 3 years. Seeing his classmates all go off to uni and the parents talking about their pride etc etc was so painful I pretty much have cut myself off from everyone. My heart breaks every day for him and every step forward is normally followed by two back. It’s the hope they kill you as they say but I try to put my energy into being positive and supportive but it is hard.

Your situation sounds extremely challenging and you’re fire fighting every day. I hope that it doesn’t always have to be that way.

everyone faces challenging in life, some more than others and some for longer than others. It’s hard not to compare to the here and now. The thing is you just don’t know what’s round the corner. Recently my friends husband dropped dead at 49 of a blood clot and a boy in the neighbourhood was knocking down and killed by a motorbike last week. Very sudden and traumatic events that couldn’t be predicted.

take the small tiny wins when you can and hold your head up high that you’re a great mum who is fighting for her daughter. Maybe the upshot in years to come will be both of you having an unbreakable bond due to the hardships you’ve faced.

This is so positive.