to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

Oh come on, nothing the OP has disclosed on this thread is “all normal”, nothing that some of the other posters have heartbreakingly described comes under the rubric “life is tough”. “Just try to improve your own life”! Seriously? You have to be a seriously mean person to think that’s an appropriate response.
To the OP and everyone who has described their children’s lives, I feel so sorry that you are having to endure this. You are all in my heart today.

I know exactly what you mean. I have a disabled daughter with learning disabilities. I remember once sitting in my car outside our local primary school waiting for another daughter. A bus arrived back from a school trip and what would have been my disabled daughters school year skipped off the bus to greet their waiting parents.I sat in the car and cried, hiding behind my sunglasses. Now she’s an adult and I’m nearing retirement age as are my work colleagues, I’m a bit envious of their retirement plans, travelling, golf, whatever. Mine will be more of the same, looking after my daughter. I admit it, there are times when I’m really jealous of other couples, able to wake up in the morning and not have another person to think about.
It hurts doesn’t it 🌺

I know pp has mentioned it but worth exploring autism. It’s quite common for symptoms to show at age 10 (onset of puberty and upcoming transition to high school). It won’t change who your dd is, but if she is autistic it might help to understand what’s driving the anorexia (e.g. is it sensory based as opposed to pure restrictive eating). Have any professionals ever mentioned this? It’s massively misunderstood in many professionals and girls are so good at masking.

I have been where you are with our child and it’s soul destroying and then some. You become othered from society because your life and your child’s life is on a completely different (downward) trajectory, you get through the day at home in your coping bubble but when you go out and you see other people’s ‘normal’ lives it’s a huge reality slap.

It’s not comparison or jealousy, it’s totally heartbreaking and I think that’s a totally normal reaction when you are going through something so serious. Even if you were looking polished and elegant the emotion would be the same.

Do you want to start looking less Gollum when you go out? It is achievable even when you feel like shit but if you are thinking of matching your jumper to your trainers - I’d advise caution as that is for toddlers not grown up women! 😁

I can't blame you for wishing your life was easier. It's just that it doesn't make it better or make you feel better if you dwell on what you think other people are experiencing.

You really don't know. Maybe the glossy mum has a secret drug, gambling, alcohol addiction? Maybe one of her family does? Maybe she looks effortlessly toned but has suffered bulimia all her life? Maybe she's in horrific debt, her parents are dying and her fella is addicted to porn and prossies?

I hope you can get through this tough time and I hope you can maybe get some therapy? And try and spend at least an hour or two a week on something that makes you happy. Not for others. Just you. X

I would recommend keeping a journal - I look back over the Month. I feel I should get a gratitude journal. Spending the time clearing your brain helps!

my favourite thing is waking up early and lying in bed with a coffee and doing the crossword with the dog cuddled up. Thank god for dogs

when your at rock bottom survival mode comparison means fuck all. Life is sucking the joy.

Blimey kick the op when she’s down why don’t you?
Yes they might be struggling with one of those, but also they might not.
Parents get old and will die, just like we all do and whilst that’s sad it’s not tragic. But having experienced both nothing is as heartbreaking as an ill child.
So sorry op it’s blood hard; sending you my best wishes and hoping the future is brighter.

Life is tough for many people st times. All normal.

But comparison is the thief of joy. Just try to improve your own life.

There’s a tendency (especially on MN) to believe that absolutely no woman can have it all, and “all that glitters isn’t gold”, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors” etc.

But the older I get, the more I realise that’s complete bullshit.

There are absolutely, 100%, women and men who have easy, enviable lives filled with joy, privilege and respect from their peers and wider society. The grown up thing to do is just accept that as a fact of life, but also give it less attention and focus on one’s own life.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time and I hope your daughter gets better.

Actually I’ve found I give myself some goals a day Easily achievable - so take dog for a walk, read at least a page of my book, do a piece of admin, walk a certain number of steps and do some puzzles and drink a certain number of glasses of water. Before I go to bed I jot it all down and it doesn’t matter if I’ve achieved them all. It’s just something that’s just for me.

and I guess in the same way, I’m patting myself on the back for the small wins, just like I should see it as a win if DS leaves his room and has a chat with me

you are an amazing mum and you are doing so well with everything life has thrown your way. i'm 18 with an eating disorder (arfid) and AuDHD. i stick out like a sore thumb in photos too, i'm thin and have knobbly knees and i can't 'picture smile' to save my life 😅. but my mum has always been my biggest supporter and is there to fight in my corner every single day. i rely heavily on her and i'm not entirely sure what i'd do without her. she is superwoman. i think you are your daughter's superwoman too. you're doing an amazing job and you should be so proud. i'm sorry i don't have any words of wisdom about the whole 'not comparing yourself to other people who aren't in your circumstances' thing, because i think its something me and my mum still struggle with. but i just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. you are doing so well and i bet that your daughter is so grateful to have someone as strong and kind as you in her life 💐❤

I hear you. When my son was really struggling (still not over it but overall in a better place) I remember just thinking, he’s alive, that was the benchmark of my day. It’s a very lonely place to be. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time. Take the better days to do something you enjoy even if it’s short, but achievable. I won’t lie, there have been times I’ve felt utterly destroyed but I do have a strategy in that I start each day afresh. You might benefit from talking therapy, I took away a few good strategies from it.

Is your other child older or younger?

It's complicated, but yes the autism diagnosis has at least helped DD understand herself more, we're still working on self-compassion. Part of her issue was that she coped and masked for so long, we're still unravelling a lot of that.

I think when you’re in the weeds it can be hard to see a way out and I try to remind myself that this will pass

but I would love to wake up without that dread in my stomach about what the day has in store

I don't know if this is helpful, but I had a friend with severe mental health issues - repeatedly sectioned, suicide attempts, etc etc. She eventually got stable when she was put on a high dose of lithium by her doctors. It's like night and day she is financially stable and able to live a life.

I understand. I die a little when I hear someone tell me their child got a great job or is travelling the world or off to university. I also hate when they ask about my daughter. This certainly is not the life I had planned and I do grieve that sometimes.

That waking up not knowing what fresh hell awaits you today chips away at you. You stop looking after yourself because all your time and energy goes into this child who is barely living. Every ounce of energy, mental bandwidth, emotional endurance and penny I earn goes into my child and there is nothing left, in any capacity. Life just seems like an endless loop.

But there have been improvements, not to anyone else's eye, only to mine. Because I am the only one who knows the severity of it, how bad she was, how hopeless it once seemed. They are small changes but positive ones and ones I have wished for in the past thinking they are impossible. To anyone on the outside looking in it would look like she is still so ill and incapable, especially in comparison to their own kids who are winning at life but my daughter is winning, in her own way, fighting every day and making baby steps all the time.

So I try to concentrate on that comparison, where she was at her worst to where she is now. That doesn't mean I never feel sad when I look at other kids her age and see parents who look at me with pity when they ask about her, that is always there but I remember the days when I thought I couldn't go on because she didn't want to and that gives me the strength and hope to face tomorrow.

I see you OP xx