to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

I don't think the saying applies fully to you.

It does to the extent that comparison makes you feel worse, when you're already battling so much.

There are no unacceptable feelings all the same. It's OK to wonder why life is so unfair.

Sorry just to add: There are no obvious solutions in terms of how to deal with it but… I found that taking to 2 close friends who really got it really helped. I really had to limit who I saw and spoke to during this period. No big groups. I didn’t want to go to things where there would be lots of people either asking how DD was or not knowing what to say to me. And as others have said - take the small wins as they happen and try and readjust any expectations (ie don’t have any) .. it’s not for ever and it will pass. Also I started running (I now only walk) very early at the weekends before the time she normally woke up. It felt like some time for me before the day started.

@butteredbread1 your post resonates with me so much.

My DD (now 18) was very similar to how yours is now from 13 to 17 Lots of mental health issues, eating disorder, multiple suicide attempts and depression. She was barely in school from year 8-11.

like you, I couldn’t leave her at home alone and even if I could have (being honest) it was so hard seeing all of the perfect families with seemingly no worries out and about, their DCs (my DDs friends) walking past my house on their way to school every day. It’s awful and as you say, you wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. But it’s awful to be going through it. It’s during this period that I started really despising ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ .

It’s in no way comparable or applicable in your situation and what was my situation. What’s even more galling is that very often it’s trotted out by people who are in the more enviable position.

I saw it on a post earlier on here. Someone was in a really difficult situation and was looking for support / empathy and what’s the first offering ? Yes this expression! Why?!!

You are completely justified in everything you are feeling. You did not cause this, want this, and your desperately want your DD to be ok again. Wouldn’t anyone?

It feels desperately unfair and it hurts to be surrounded by so many people who are getting through just fine. (I know they are not all deliriously happy but I would have given anything just to have normal day to day teen problems) .

It’s ok to feel shit and for it to feel unfair. We didn’t ask for this for our DC or for ourselves.

I hope she gets through it. I know what your life looks like right now and it’s not easy. If it helps in any way… I honestly didn’t know if my DD would be here anymore in that period. She is now thriving. Happy (not perfectly so but who is?) , has a job , is going travelling soon and is looking to the future.

I honestly couldn’t have seen this being the case even 18 months ago. I know it’s relentless and exhausting but all of the battles/ appointments/ advocating you are doing will help her hugely.

best of luck to you

There’s a saying that a mother is only as happy as her least happy child and that feels very real at the moment and it’s totally heartbreaking to know the pain your child is in and you can’t just fix it

The news about your mum's dementia must be a big blow, because of what she's going through but also the sense of being even more on your own with your dad's situation.

For various reasons, the only family I have are my teenagers. Having no-one with the same or similar interest/emotional investment in my kids to talk things through with makes the hard times harder.

OP my heart goes out to you, this is a traumatic situation and I can definitely understand where you are coming from. My DS is addicted to drugs (in his 20s). I cannot bear to hear about his friendship group and how well they are all doing. Every day is an effort for me. I see know end in sight. I am living a nightmare. So I do completely understand.

Hey OP. You're doing a fantastic job. Your daughter is reliant on you, she knows she has you and you are there for her. Thats just amazing. You sound like
you are doing everything you can for your family and I hope and pray it gets better for you and your daughter. She’s going through a tough time.
There’s a saying that God does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.

Believe in how strong you are because you are stronger than you know. And yes you are allowed to compare, we all do it. Even the most glossiest mum will be comparing herself to someone else.

The grass may look greener on the other side but if you water and nurture your side then it will be just as green.

Sending your family positive energy and strength.

I think, like someone else said, that the phrase isn’t meant like that. It’s for comparing yourself when things are objectively fine. So what is good, suddenly becomes less good. Like, someone has a three bed house but wishes it was four bed. When really a three bed house is fine.

What you’re experiencing is different. Things aren’t objectively fine when you have a child with mental health problems. It sounds really hard and exhausting and it’s ok to be sad about that.

Solidarity to you OP. I haven't been exactly where you are but somewhere similar and it is already so hard I dread the teen years.

OP doesn't need to hear that maybe the glossy people are Very Sad Underneath. Really. That's minimising her experience. She isn't able to have a child succeed and function well at school. She is allowed to feel that this absolutely sucks and mourn how unfair and rubbish it is. Love to you OP and while I can't help you, I see you and I acknowledge your struggles and they are real.

Someone said something to me the other day when I was narrating how me and DH are holding it together/managing/juggling... I said I still felt very tired and fed up. She just nodded and accepted this, and said kindly but plainly "Well, you would be. You are a family in crisis, aren't you?"

I was kind of shocked because I thought "oh! Are we?!" I thought well we HAVE BEEN in crisis, at A&E, leaving school etc - but now it is the everyday struggle, the small steps forward, steps back, the long emails to CAMHS, the referrals, the phone calls, the persuasion, the food at midnight or the no food at lunchtime, the going out suddenly, the staying in and ditching the plan equally suddenly... that has all started to feel normal.

You are incredibly strong because your normal, what you do every day without breaking, is living in crisis. It would throw any one of those people at the school into crisis. They wouldn't have time to do their hair.

I wish you luck and love - and the exchange between you and @arfidisarealthing made me cry. Good luck to all the amazing young people and their mums xx

I’m here too OP, not exactly the same scenario but similarly with a young adult DC who is not thriving. It’s very tough and like others I tend to stay away / avoid discussing with other parents who don’t understand. It’s helpful to feel less alone although of course I wish none of us were in this situation. 💐

Oh god they totally are - they make me cry sometimes. I should try and switch them off!!

it feels so lonely as well - thank you for starting the thread OP. Whilst I am sad for all contributors who are also in this position, it has made me feel a little better that there are people who understand

I’m in a similar position to @BeardySchnauzerand was struggling to understand why I want to shut myself away and why I have such difficult feelings (especially about meeting up with people who have young adult children the same age as mine who are able to get on with their lives). I’ve never previously been one to compare/be envious of other people’s lives. Anyway, a work colleague suggested that what I was experiencing was a type of grief - for the sort of life I’d thought my son would have (and possibly for the life I thought I’d be living at this point too). Somehow, this reframing has helped me a little bit by seeing that I’m not a bitch who is jealous of what my friends’ children are able to do but I am simply deeply sad about what my child is dealing with. Things are still totally rubbish, but I feel like I’m coping better.
I hope that you and your DD have a good week OP 🤞🏻

But it’s not about rich and successful people. my household is high income but that hasn’t stopped my DS’ problems

the comparison is to people whose kids are doing all the life stages at the right time and in the right way whilst your kid is getting left further and further behind. And then comparing your own feelings of anguish and despair to people whose main concern is the gymnastics run

in reality OP I feel better after speaking to people with kids in a similar position as they understand and don’t judge

Oh gosh I wasn't minimising OPs pain. I just know that lots of people experience problems others will never know about.

I was saying how I don't blame her for feeling that way.

Even though very rich successful people can and will suffer bereavement and ill health.

Maybe comparison isn’t the thief of joy always but a thief of any tiny bit of internal calm.

Im much more in a position where that phrase should apply about my own perception of my failure compared to others my age. I have mental health issues, nowhere near the level of your DD.

I try not to be hard on myself for the comparison coming to my head because I think it’s a natural human trait. in evolution it was probably to motivate a person to improve and become a leader of the tribe but it just isn’t helpful now.

I can’t know (because no one can ever know another person, certainly not on an anonymous forum) but you DD likely loves you very deeply just to feel safe to tell you her suicidal thoughts. She may not always be able to express the love.

If you are a physically expressive person can you give your children a hug each. Or if (like me) your DD or DS would find that hard find a cushion or a teddy bear.

If not here is a gentle hug ((( )))

@butteredbread1 , your life sounds really hard. Of course it is a little hard, and in various ways, fit everyone, but what you're describing is really terribly hard. I know of one mum who had a severely disabled child. Her life is beyond hard. It's not like the ordinary hardness of day to day living. I agree, it's not that comparison is the thief of joy here, it's that you can see that you're not in the same boat as an awful lot of mothers. My heart goes out to you.

You absolutely do not know what someone else is going through, women become very good actresses in front of others as a coping mechanism, I’m sure men do too. It takes a LOT of effort to work/run a home/do lots for children/care for parents. I don’t think you’re seeing the full picture, they just have an extra half hour to make themselves groomed.

I totally get you OP.

DD has learning disabilities and autism as well as a host of physical health conditions and will never live independently. I actually cried when I saw a picture of her classmates from her old primary at their secondary prom.

When they were smaller the differences weren't so pronounced but it really stands out now.

As others PPs have said I don't think it is necessarily comparison but more sadness for how you hoped your child's life would be and the actual reality.

It is totally normal to feel like that in your situation and hopefully your DD will respond to treatment. There really is nothing worse that hearing your child telling you that they wish they weren't here. It really pierces your heart.

You can "whinge" on here and know that you are not alone.

I think op is asking how to stop that comparison because it is so painful

at the moment really struggle seeing mums out with primary age kids as that’s the last time I really remember DS being happy. I spend so much time working out what I did wrong.

really the only thing you can do is get out of your own head through distraction but sometimes it can be hard to turn the inner voice off. When things are bad I keep the world service on overnight and fall asleep listening to it

I really feel for you and it must be incredibly tough that I cannot comprehend it.

However, you have just proved the point that indeed comparison is the thief of joy. You have to focus on the joys you do have within your life. There must be some. Little victories and forget what others are up to.

Yes - I look at ‘normal’ families and wish I had that. I certainly don’t wish my experience or other bad things on them!

It's quite likely that they're not experiencing that type of stuff though - as a couple of PPs have said, plenty of people who look happy, relaxed and moneyed, do have it good. There is no secret backdrop of terrible depression or debt or addiction.

I know you were trying to be supportive but why minimise the pain OP feels? She is allowed to look around and think it's not fucking fair that she and her daughter are experiencing such challenges (with OP's son experiencing the knock on effects).

Nobody stands there looking at these happy healthy people thinking, 'well, maybe she's got bulimia, that one could have debt up to her eyeballs and her husband might be cheating on her....that makes me feel so much better'. Much more likely to think, 'fuck, I wish things were like that for us'. It's human nature.

OP, I hope things somehow get easier for you and your DD 💐.