to not subscribe comparison is the thief of joy

I’m sorry you’ve been through all of that, sounds really hard, and you’re right most people deal with all sorts of hardships that you will never know about from a casual meet up.

Parenting a child with long term health/mental health conditions is its very own circle of hell.

Oh OP, it sounds so hard. Sending thoughts.
I agree with you. My boys have had challenges beyond anything my nieces and nephews and best friend's children have known and there's been a series of knock-on effects, so the last ten years have been brutal. I will say that my eldest, who has had a really terrible time, has an emotional maturity and empathy well beyond his years, and I am really proud of them both. But I often wonder what a more carefree life would be like. On the other hand I have a friend whose teenager died from leukaemia last year and I sometimes think she'd give anything to have my issues.

No, you don't know what people are dealing with but in the op's shoes, and I have had a teenager with mh issues and suicidal ideation, life's curve balls are very much eadier to deal with, with money rather than without. My life was easier because I coukd stick two fingers up at CAMHS and with the benefit of BUPA and personal private funding the £23k to support dd was available.

My mum, nearly 90, has a benign brain tumour, a dicky heart, has had silent strokes and Parkinsons. Believe me it is much easier when I can look at luxury nursing homes at well over £2k pw than if I were dependent on an OT and SS assessment.

So yes, I think that whilst comparison is odious, I count every blessing every day and manage to look polished but nobody knies the leaden weight of my heart.

It sucks but it sucks a fuck tonne less with money in the bank.

Plus I don’t go for all that ‘everyone has problems’ some people definitely have more than their fair share.

I hear you OP also mum to an autistic teenager and it’s hard. Also lost my lovely mum to dementia 4 years ago and she was my rock. Hugs x

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through OP - it sounds frightening and emotionally draining. I have a similar but not situation to you whereby my young adult was diagnosed with a chronic life long condition just on a random day last year. Their life has been turned upside down and by default mine as well. I am a lone parent and have been for years so am the buck stop parent and their primary source of support both emotionally and practically and I am drained.

So I can empathise strongly with you and whilst I can’t change anything for you (or me or them) know that you are not alone in feeling this way and I hope incrementally things start to get better for you and your daughter.

I think you more benefit from calling young minds parents helpline, and the Ebsa support thread on here

I used to be one of these mums at school events

Meanwhile my mum was an alcoholic (deceased now), my father has vascular dementia and had been sectioned, my husband (now ex) was abusive, and my sister was a drug addict. It consumed me.

But I always put on make up and did my hair.

All I am saying is that you really don’t know what people are dealing with

she knows that their kids go to school, wearing ‘normal clothes’ and they do this pretty much every day. She knows that their kids look physically healthy and they act healthy and interact socially in friendly ways with their peers and look like they have friends. That’s a huge amount she knows which is enormously different to her own life, and there is probably quite a lot more she knows since schools are in the habit of having newsletters etc which share children’s accomplishments and school programs her dd didn’t do, and even in casual chat you find out things, Xs mum works away a few days a month as she’s in fashion buying or an insolvency lawyer, that they all went skiiing in January. Don’t dismiss how obvious many elements of the comparison are here, sure they might be going through things but for most of these kids and families the op knows enough to know her comparison is legitimate.

That is really helpful and that is how it feels. Thank you

I came across the theory of chronic sorrow a few years ago when we landed on our own rocky island (nicely put OP) and it helped me to understand what I was going though. I found that all of the external focus, energy and care went to my child and my emotions were left unsupported. I’m glad you’ve found some solace in this thread.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/navigating-the-serpentine-path/202212/a-grief-that-never-ends-chronic-sorrow

Oh OP.

I am glad that your thread has found others that 'get it'. Also not in your exact position but have a child with complex needs and have made a friendship group with similar mums. We went out with kids yesterday and even though our kids have similarities it was mine that couldn't cope and ruined the outing. Yesterday I felt despair that even the group ive found that were in the same boat are in fact not in the same boat - similar but their boat is a higher performance than my own family's. It is what it is, its all information and I'll know better for next time. I think it's totally fine to give into these feelings at times but then we keep on keeping on. Because we have to.

Absolutely
hit given she’s comparing herself with others, is it not relevant to point out comparisons with others too? Her daughter will have come a long long way to be attending a school event. And just saying that that is a tremendous achievement isn’t downplay anything.

But if you want to just say yes op it’s totally shit - that’s your prerogative too. But you shouldn’t censor people approaching the thread differently

I don't think the 'yes, buts...' help either tbh. OP should be able to express her grief and sadness without being told things could be worse.

Yes, perspective helps sometimes, but it's also okay to say ' this is absolutely shit' without being told to see things differently.

Totally agree
but… the OP’s daughter got up, got dressed, left the house and attended a school event. I imagine that is a world away to the depths that the OP has been with her daughter, and she will still know parents where this seems like a world away still for their child - and sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of how far you have come

I don't know if it's helpful to mention, but I was in a similar place to OP's DD in my teens. A long time ago, when the only treatment for anorexia was inpatient admissions with no therapy nor any support after discharge, and with a mum too caught up in her own depression and grief to see mine. Absent father.

It was a rocky road but I did go to uni, have always worked, got married and had children. The issues my teens have haven't been as serious as mine (or OPs).

Just wanting to say as others have, that things can and do change and get better but it's impossible to see when you're in the trenches.

Totally agree with what pps say about alienation and feeling 'othered'.

Also, all the 'you don't know what the glossy mums are going through' isn't helpful. There's a world away from ordinary teen angst when you have support for yourself, and the daily stomach-churning uncertainty that OP lives with.

Oh OP, what a difficult situation especially with your mum's upsetting news.

I also have a child with issues (I'm borrowing "my apple has no wheels" though, love it!) and I can really relate to how you felt. I don't see it as anything to do with joy. More a kind of alienation.

I wish you all the best.

you don’t know that.
all the op knows is that they had 20 mins to put on make up and brush their hair.

So what if they are? Very few if any will be dealing with the likes of what the Op does day in and day out, this feels really unhelpful. Yes all or most families are going through something but this is to various degrees. I get how you feel op, I hope there’s respite in your future and your daughters health.

I'm sorry to hear you are in the trenches, and that must be really difficult, OP, and I understand it's shit and you feel sorry for yourself. FWIW, I think I look pretty good and people may assume my life is perfect. But actually in the last few years both parents were very ill then died, huge impact as they lived with us also, both DDs are good now but both had huge mental health struggles, one had a really rough time at school for various reasons, was sexually assaulted, and also got pregnant and had an abortion. There is a lot going on behind the scenes for many. Most people have no idea how it has been for DDs and might think we live a charmed life.

OP, you sound like an awesome mum. Dedicated, compassionate, loving, and strong. You also sound like you are tired of having to be strong and that while your daughter has support, you don’t have much. Is there a local support group for families with similar challenges? Would the school know of resources that would help you as well as your daughter? Or, maybe her medical team could recommend some? Is there any trusted friend or family member who could share some of the mental load with you? I don’t think that comparison is the thief of joy is entirely applicable in this case. I think it generally applies to comparing expensive holidays, cars, clothes, and consumer goods. I agree with others who feel you are grieving the life you wish you’d had. And that is okay.

You’re not wishing anything on anyone. You’re simply acknowledging that every family has struggles of one kind or another. Their difficulties are as great in their view as OP’s are to her.