AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

It’s her wedding not yours, so her choice and not yours
i would hazard a guess that you are not close to your daughter and I can see why as you have made it about you and not her wedding day

The people I know who have done this have done it because they baulked at the cost that was racking up and/ or also the stress resulting from overbearing family members sticking their oar in and being a nightmare.

I must admit I’m wondering if you are one of the latter.

Are you invited to the wedding? The total absence of very relevant detail in your post is identical to the modus operandi of the bewildered and wounded posters of classic “My DD2 has gone no contact for no reason!” posts.

Obviously occasionally people do go non-contact without fault from the relative concerned but then the poster usually provides a lot of background information and has a very good idea of why it might have happened.

I would rearrange a medical appointment and take time off work to attend my daughter’s wedding with 11 days notice. You can’t be having a major procedure if attending the celebrations entails both missing a medical appointment AND taking time off work as you’d be off work anyway.

You are sulking and centering yourself in all this. Have you any concerns as to why your daughter and future son-in-law have made this sudden choice? Or do you know and dismiss it as nonsense?

They have made a choice and now I suggest you be very careful about the next choice you make. If you love your daughter and want a long and happy relationship with her you need to keep your bitterness over this to yourself and centre her and go along with a smile on your face. You’ve both hopefully got a lot of life to come after this wedding in 11 days.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel aggrieved, hurt, concerned, and confused.

You are a bit unreasonable to cite work and a medical appointment (unless the latter is eg an important surgery you’ve waited a long time for) as though they would prevent you from attending your daughter’s wedding lunch.

But yes, it’s not a great way for this invitation to come through. I would be upset.

You’re not unreasonable to be annoyed about the whole situation but like PPs, I’d drop everything for my daughter’s wedding. In the grand scheme of things, your child’s wedding is more important than a medical appointment unless it’s life saving surgery.
Make another appointment and if ever you’re going to cut her some slack, do it for her wedding.

Need more context op.

what Is the relationship like between you and your daughter more generally? It’s hard to know from the brief post, but I’d be inclined to assume from the information provided that you aren’t especially close? It’s also strange that the first thing you did was post to mumsnet rather than call your daughter?
on the face of it, yes I’d probably be upset and a little offended about the change of plans, however if you’re not that close in the first place perhaps her decision about the wedding and way she chose to let you know are usual? I appreciate not all mums and daughters are close.

Need much more info op

Yes it’s definitely a statement that one set of parents is an issue.
as yes you want a small wedding to avoid drama of having to invite auntie x but no one really objects to just parents of both.

I thought this too. Hope everyone is ok.

Id be more worried than hurt.

See, I would be so grateful the other parents were hosting as I would absolutely hate it!

I totally agree re the waste of money and this option being far more sensible.

I’d be confused that I wasn’t invited to the actual wedding.. even my best mate who had a Reg office wedding had her mum and sisters and me and my husband there.

Do you think your daughter is being coerced by her future DH and his family?

You can also give notice up to a year before the wedding date so maybe they gave notice a few months back, changed the date and told OP straight away. We can’t assume they sat on it for 2 weeks knowing they’d changed the date and just couldn’t be bothered to tell OP after knowing for a couple of weeks.

Must be a reason she's decided to change plans, and if your immediate response is to think to be irritated and like 'oh how inconvenient, I'll have to rearrange work and an appointment' rather than be concerned or curious then I guess it says something about your attitude to your relationship.

It would appear you're not close, so maybe you need to think about why that is and how to rebuild bridges if you want to.

Depends what the medical appointment is, how urgent and how hard it is to change. But in general, I would say prioritise your daughter's wedding.

I did the cheapest marriage ceremony and lunch afterwards, so much money saved, no regrets! I hope by daughters don't sink money into a giant do but it won't be my business. I would be annoyed at the thought the other mom had been the one to arrange the lunch, I wouldn't be able to help it.

Who are the two witnesses? Are you sure you’re not hurt because you’re jealous that the partners parents are hosting which may seem that they are more involved in the day than you?
Of course it’s ok to disappointed or upset you don’t get to attend (if you’re not a witness). Every parent would want to see their child’s wedding but equally if you are so hurt surely the appointment and work you would be trying to sort something out with that so you could attend?

rhey could have given you 28 days notice as that’s the minimum time to book a wedding.

but they clearly don’t care much if you attend this lunch, not even the ceremony, as only have given less than 2 weeks notice. One assumes a week day too?

I can’t imagine many people wouldn’t be hurt by that decision.

You sound incredibly self centred and are being very unreasonable.

Go to the lunch and smile.

No-one can really answer with such little info OP.

Even if you'd stuck around for just one more post it would've been helpful.

It sounds like op isn’t invited to the wedding if only 2 witness - that I would find hard /hurtful

obv a parent wants to see their child get Married

if the grooms mum isn’t one of the two witness’s and just hosting that would be better

Wow! Our society has become so selfish that hardly anyone cares what the medical appointment is for. Unless it’s major surgery, a couple of posters say, drop everything to be at that wedding.

There are very few reasons why weddings NEED to be held at very short notice and no, pregnancy isn’t one of them. A decent person would find out whether their proposed wedding date works for their closest family and friends. So it is possible that OP’s daughter doesn’t care whether she attends or not. Perhaps their relationship is strained.

What bothers me about this thread is the normalisation of a selfish attitude where weddings are concerned. The most important thing is to be at that wedding that doesn’t have to be on that date. If you need to jeopardise your health to be there, that’s what you need to do. This is how you prove you love your daughter.

Are people of child-bearing age required to do the same for their parents, or do the sacrifices go one way?

this is your daughter?
pick up the phone
why ask strangers?

Some much needed context incoming I hope!