AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

absolutely this…I would be far more concerned than annoyed…x

You need to play the long game here and do and say whatever will make life happiest for everyone (including you) in the long term.

Harbouring resentment will not achieve this

HRTFT but unless she's got a special licence, DD has had at least six week's notice (unless things have changed). Just checked... it's 28 days, but most councils prefer six weeks.
There must be something else going on here.
DS and DIL had a legal ceremony (his now MIL and myself present) with a family meal afterwards. It was held in a city always in the top three most beautiful. They held a huge wedding costing almost six figures a fortnight later. The private day was beautiful, intimate and by far my favourite of the two days. Small isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Oops haha flu brain, yes very wrong thread !

I don't think she's invited to the wedding, only to the lunch.

But we may never find out.

She has the right to change her mind . Are you close or not ? you don’t have to go but why would you miss this important day ?

Odd post. It's like she's a stranger to you. 'Short notice'? It's almost two weeks, not a short notice in my book, plus it's your own child, not a stranger or even a friend. And it's not just some lunch, it's her wedding.

'Dropping work' and rescheduling a medical appointment? For your own daughter's WEDDING? Of course you'd be unreasonable not to, are you joking? It's not a big ask. Unless it's a surgery or something.

I can't imagine being this nonchalant and cold about my daughter's wedding. It's like you're talking about a distant cousin or an acquaintance.

It's what they want. You would be mean to miss your daughter's wedding.

Could you suggest a family heirloom as a jewellery addition and offer to help out by picking up her flowers and arranging a photographer? Try to see the change of plans as positive and enjoy the luncheon.

You can reschedule an appointment.

You can't reschedule attending her wedding.

It sounds like something serious has happened and the two of you aren't very close. But text her or call her and ask.

Hopefully this will open up some better communications between you both. Do you get on well or talk often? Do you see much of each other?

Weddings can be very stressful, especially with families, I don’t blame her for reducing it back.

I'd be happy to rearrange for this to be honest, as it's a one off - the only exception being some sort of lifesaving or serious appointment. All she's really done is invited you OP, she hasn't said she expects you to cancel plans, doesn't care about your appointments or doesn't care about you generally, she has simply said this is the date if you'd like to come, by the sounds of it.

Do you know the reason for the change of plans?

I wouldn't personally make it difficult by focusing on how she's made you feel rather than focusing on the fact that it isn't anything personal and remembering that ultimately it would be nice to celebrate with them if possible. Perhaps she sent a text because it is a difficult decision and she doesn't overly want to get into it. You've not been left out - they have chosen witnesses only wedding and the only celebration there is, you have been invited to. For whatever reason, they obviously don't overly want a wider celebration and that's fine, weddings are for the people getting married in the first instance.

You could have (and still can) offer to celebrate with them separately at another time if you wish, or could have offered to host something for them yourself if you felt strongly about it, no point feeling hurt because her mum got there first.

My theory is that they decided to 'elope' and just do it (as my exDH and I did) at the register office with 2 witnesses, then tell everyone afterwards, to avoid all the fuss and expense. But the in-laws found out and said "Can we pay for a lunch with just close family afterwards - so we're a bit involved on the day?"

There is a back story here that you are not sharing - by the time you find out her MIL has already planned the lunch - so she knew before you - if my daughter was changing her plans I would be the first person she contacted
That said, if she suddenly cancelled her wedding and text me about it my first thought wouldn't be how inconvenient it was for me - it would be concern for what had happened to make her change her plans and wanting to know her and her fiance are ok - I would be worried that maybe it was being done early due to medical reasons - a diagnosis that one of them may not be here for the arranged date!

You need to give 28 days notice to get married in the UK so if they've given you 11 days they knew about this at least 17 days ago...

Perhaps your DD is pregnant? Or they're going to migrate and need to be married?

If you can't cancel your plans and medical appointment then thank them for the invite but unfortunately you have a medical appointment that day which you cannot change so would love to celebrate with them another time.

If you feel your work is more important than your daughter getting married then that's your choice. Stop making this about you.

Are you not invited to the wedding? You mention two witnesses why would you mention this if you were invited? Are you only invited to the lunch?

It does sound odd but the aibu to feel hurt - no, she can feel hurt. But I agree, there’s likely a history we’re not aware of.

Most of my communication with both DDs is by text. I'm guessing that's pretty normal nowadays. But the daughter in this case should have given more info as to who was actually invited to the registry office and why the big wedding was cancelled.

Just tell her you can't make- don't justify , just state.

Don't you think it's weird that OP is apparently informed of this by text like this?

It doesn't exactly speak to a close relationship between them. It suggests to me that they don't really talk much, otherwise it wouldn't come as such a surprise.

It makes more sense if op and dd are estranged or low contact.

Just phone your daughter and ask kindly what the reasons are for the change of plans. Unless yours is an operation for something that affects you very badly e.g. gallstones etc I would cheerfully change my arrangements to be at the wedding and lunch, assuming from the little info in your original OP that you ARE invited to the ceremony? If not, why not, as that would indeed be hurtful.

Yes exactly.

As has been said though, the OP does need to contact her daughter to find out why the big wedding was cancelled.

Wrong thread?

How is it selfish to give your mum minimal notice and expect her to drop everything last minute to suit your timings? Is that actually your question? When we booked our wedding date we considered which dates suited the people we wanted to be there 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your first thought is your own ‘hurt’ and inconvenience?!
Why aren’t you checking everything is alright? Is someone ill? Has there been a financial crisis?
Stop being so self-absorbed and support your DD!

You weren’t bothered about telling the poor woman years before this, don’t bother now, you’re not a girls girl here.
focus on your friend.