AIBU to feel hurt about my daughter’s wedding plans changing

Yes, I’d be upset too at the lack of my invite and the fact that partner’s mother is hosting something later.
However, you will want a good relationship with your daughter and future SIL so my advice is suck it up, smile and don’t let anyone know it bothers you - especially your daughter.

Something happened.
You don't just cancel your wedding and notify your own mum by text; rearrange it to a courthouse JOTP with a lunch afterward, organized by MiL thereby excluding mum from any planning and give mum less than two weeks notice to attend.
OP has been left out completely:
no details why planned wedding cancelled;
no discussion or inclusion of planning new wedding;
given a simple invite to ceremony and lunch.

Is this how OP's family works?
I think there's a whole lot of back story.
Honestly, normal people communicate.

DD: mum, Dfiance and i decided we can't afford the wedding as planned. I'm a bit gutted, but we're going to the courthouse instead. MiL has offered to host lunch after at her house. It's just going to be us and a couple friends.
OP: how can I help?
blah blah blah
The two mums chat and jointly host a lovely lunch.
Everyone lives happily ever after.
It's not difficult.

I think it is really inconsiderate and unreasonable to suddenly spring this on you. Obviously you should go but it all seems rather strange.

I’m not sure if read it as they are having a small wedding and lunch is an extra

or lunch is after the wedding with 2 witness

Tis is your daughter and her partners wedding, so its their choice how to do it. Everyone else's opinions and feelings are irrelevant.
As for the number of votes for YANBU - I fear for potential future SIL's

So are they getting married at this lunch? I’m a little confused as to the reason for being invited to lunch by the inlaws but then the wedding being rebooked

What are you moaning about? She doesn't want a wedding, she clearly just wants to get married quietly, she's invited you to lunch so FFS just go and stop bitching about it. At least she likes you enough to tell you and invite you.

Sorry to hear about your friend. That rough. Yes they may work but if an important one surely would take time off that day ?

but guess we won’t ever find out as seems op isn’t coming back

and yes very weird the dd didn’t check mum was free that date

@Blondeshavemorefun my friend has terminal cancer but is still working (and having important medical appointments)

Could argue a supportive daughter would have checked with DM revised arrangements fitted in with her

If such an important medical app then surely wouldn’t be at work anyway @Mimimummygranny

but I would have thought any lovely supportive parent would drop everything for their child’s wedding

Under the circumstances, I’d be more likely to wonder if everyone was ok, not about the inconvenience to me. A couple I know rearranged their wedding to take place a full 6 months earlier because the bride’s father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It all happened really quickly and bringing it forward was the only way he was going to be able to see his only daughter get married.

I hope you’ve checked in with your daughter about the change in circumstances rather than just bitch about it.

Another bitchplop and vanish op

Curious why the change to a tiny wedding. I'd love to hear from the couple.

I'd walk over hot coals to spend time with my kids.

Unless you have an operation on that date surely any other appointment can be rescheduled?

Indeed - my point was that the bride and groom decided a big wedding was not for them (possibly because of interference and/or expense) and wanted to elope with just 2 witnesses. I'm postulating the groom's parents got wind of it and asked for the compromise lunch afterwards.

OP posted at 8am and vanished. Another bot post?

I wouldn't miss it for the world

I did the same (except I vetoed the big wedding from the off) because otherwise the day would have been taken over by my mother and it would have become all about her. I gave her a month notice, timing the day 3 weeks after she had a major house move quite deliberately so she would not be organised enough to interfere with my plans. Even then, the photographer was contacted behind my back to increase the size of the photos in the album, which i reversed as soon as I found out. There were 11 people present, all family, and one was a 20 week foetus. We had a lovely day.

I'm not saying this case is the same but something is going on, and there's detail about the OPs relationship with her daughter that we aren't being told here.

But from what the OP is saying, there was a 'big' wedding organised, (at least to some degree,) and it's been changed to a small registry office do with no-one invited apparently except 2 witnesses (and what's the betting the groom's mother is one of the witnesses?) I reckon she is involved because she's organising/doing the celebration 'meal.'

The OP still hasn't been back to give more information, or clarify anything and answer any questions people have been asking! So at this point, it's all guesswork and assumptions from everyone posting!

.

I think that's really cheeky. I don't think I would go. You've more or less been told you aren't very important.

Being told about a cancellation via text is cold enough, but expecting you to drop a medical appointment with only 11 days' notice for a "late lunch" is a huge ask. You aren't being unreasonable at all; it feels like your time and commitments aren't being respected.

YANBU to be hurt. If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. You shouldn’t suppress your feelings.

However, suggest you refrain from telling your DD (or other family members) how you feel to avoid making it about you.

How you respond to the change of plan depends on your relationship with your DD. Expecting you to take leave from work and to miss a medical appointment at 11 days’ notice is quite unreasonable. And should warrant an explanation. Why the rush? However, if you are able to take leave and rearrange your appointment to attend, suggest you do so.

The groom’s parents hosting a lunch is fine. But, if you are close with your DD, would’ve been nice if she’d explained why they’re hosting and not the bride and groom. Assume because they’re paying? But if you can afford to host and would’ve liked to, seems strange to go with one family hosting over another. Better for the bride and groom to host and both families help with costs if they want to.

Why has she cancelled? It sounds like some kind of emergency/crisis and if that's the case then you are taking this way too personally.

So they've cancelled a big wedding & are having a small one asap?

That sounds great.

But who are the witnesses?
Why aren't you one?

If you can't go to the meal could you celebrate some other time?

This is gross imo

Why shouldn't they be told first and offer to host it if theyre closer, is it absolute law that the woman's parents must be the only ones involved and the mans parents be cast aside?

God forbid people have a close and good relationship with their son and future DIL

Pick up the phone and ask your daughter what's going on? I take it you're not going to the wedding but to the lunch, ask her why.