Am I being unfair expecting OH to actually parent his eldest?

You need to move asap. It simply isn’t tenable. I’d be acting out if I was him also. That must be awful.

if you have a garden can you perhaps convert a shed or garage for him?

A teenage boy will wish/need to masturbate perhaps several times a day. We all know this. Being unable to because of the constant presence of other people is likely to piss him off, for a start. How many bathrooms do you have?

I have memories of house sharing in my childhood. My Nan, two unmarried Aunts and Uncle, Mum, Dad me and later my sister until I was 11 in a three bed house. Nan and two Aunts had one bedroom Uncle had box room, We had the other bedroom. Front living room was ours, they had the back living room. Kitchen and bathroom shared. It had to work until Mum & Dad were offered a small two bed prefab. I shared a bedtoom with my eight year old sister until I was sixteen.
It’s all very well saying the family should move that isn’t rocket science and no doubt OP would have done that were it possible! She has posted for help not judgement. if finances don’t allow, what then? The situation is not ideal, and I dare say OP and her partner had no expectation of having to have all the children living in one house. But it has happened and the 14 year old must be made to understand that they ALL have to make the best of a bad situation while more suitable accommodation can be found. I would be interested to know why the boys can no longer be living with their mother - that is a very relevant issue, Is she being as irresponsible as the boys’ father ?

It's not good enough to say you didn't plan it. He was a dad to 3 before he had another child.

I have a 14 year old and he really needs privacy and space. I can't imagine how this feels to him after a day at school. Of course he is emotionally dysegulated and getting upset

I presume also there is some trauma involved in losing time with mum? You just understand this is hugely destabilizing (as in... Life long trauma type of destabilization/)

This boy needs counselling please talk to his school and gp

You need to move or give up the living room for the teenager

How recent is the adjustment and how traumatic are the circumstances that have forced the change? Has it involved the 14 year old changing schools if you don't live locally? What support are all the boys, particularly the eldest, getting from school or other organisations? Have they witnessed chaotic behaviour?
Whatever has happened, the 14 year old went through the break up of his parents' relationship, his dad starting a new family and bringing a baby sibling into the equation while only seeing dad EOW and then a sudden move from living with his mum FT to now with his dad and dad's partner and baby in a very overcrowded house.
Yes his dad needs to step up and parent all of his kids. This means support as well as boundaries. If he's refusing to engage and trying to take the "easy" path he's showing himself to be a lazy dad.

i mean you are with someone who has 3 children but you chose to get a 2 bed ,,. That doesn’t make sense, even if you thought he would just be a EOW dad it’s still not enough space. And then you bought another child into the mix. And now you’re annoyed with a teen who has no privacy and has had a huge change in circumstances. None of this is his fault.

This is harsh but the reality is there isn't enough space for the children your OH has.

Teen years are challenging and your OH is correct that the housing situation plus moving away from his mum is the underlying cause.

Your OH needs to fix the situation asap. Advise the school and seek any counselling available. Communicate to the boys that you know it's far from ideal, you understand the anger and promise that they are a priority and it will be fixed.

This situation sounds very difficult for everyone OP. Firstly, it’s lovely you’ve taken the boys in without question and are trying your best to make it work.
In answer to your question you are definitely NBU to expect your DH to step up and actually parent all of his offspring.
Every time his eldest acts up he is allowing the rest of the household to suffer; the other two are also trying to deal with the huge change.
A 14 year old needs lots of love, guidance and boundaries but your DH is ducking out of the hard stuff to the detriment of everyone.
I think you need to make this clear to DH, no-one is saying harsh punishments are required, as I agree these do not work, but the unacceptable behaviour needs to stop. DH needs to be consistent and to look out for everyone’s wellbeing not just the eldest. Hold firm on this OP and don’t be fobbed off.

Sounds like hell op

Whats happened with their mum's house? Presumably they fitted into it? If she's expecting you to house them maybe she should let you have her house? What would have happened if you'd said no? Do those boys have grandparents Dad could live at with them? Are you married? Is it your house or shared? Maybe you could force an end to this intolerable situation by splitting up with your partner and turfing him and his kids out? I can't understand why Dad is being so lenient on the older one, its not like those weekend Dads you hear about on here who give in to their kids out of fear they'll stop visiting. It shouldn't be on you to solve this but you might have to give your oh an ultimatum. Its his responsibility to house those 3 boys adequately. I'd honestly consider moving out to my own mum's with the baby, in your shoes, unless its your own house. Basically something firm to force the situation.

My own 14 year old is incredibly difficult at the moment and he hasn't had the upheaval dss has
Could you all agree on rules? I wont have threatening behavioural or violence and consequences are phone removal or computer time limited.

Sending you hugs op

Your 14 years old may has gone through a lot but the same applies to the 2 youngest and the 14 years old should not be allowed to terrorise the youngest, if he needs counselling hopefully it can be arranged. Your DP should parent all his children and just not prioritise the eldest.
If you can afford a pod for the eldest would be a good idea.

What your SS will be screaming for is compassion and routine. Not being left to get away with murder.

we had similar when SS moved here. Something we’d never had to do before was “set routines” as such so that was a work in progress immediately. Work with him! Both of you sit him down and explain how much you understand it’s not ideal but this is what it is so here’s what we’ll discuss and decide together… when it’s not stuck to then you discipline (even tell him what will happen if X happens or Y happens) and yes you have to stick to discipline so your hubby needs to get on board asap too!

Are both bedrooms the same size? Are your step-children all in the largest of the bedrooms? Is there anyway that you could divide the room?

All your step-children are probably feeling fragile. Having lived with both parents, then just Mum and now permanently with Dad. They are also having to deal with the fact their Dad has another child with you too. It must be very hard for all of them but especially the eldest as he will understand more.

Yes, your eldest step-son is hurting but terrorising his siblings, shouting, throwing items and being disrespectful to you/his Dad, is not acceptable behaviour. Your husband should be parenting his son, and not making excuses.

His father really needs to nip this in the bud. It’s not acceptable and will escalate

Your DH needs to stop fathering children he cannot provide for. Meanwhile, you need to find a bigger house one way or another. Those boys are living and sleeping in one room like a prison cell. I’m not excusing the eldest’s behaviour but I do understand where it’s coming from. I think anyone would be lashing out in those circumstances nevermind a 14yr old!

The council are unlikely to rehouse you because of a problem like this- the fact it wouldn't be allowed if you were adopting is irrelevant- if your housing is inadequate for your family, unless you are destitute, it's up to you to do something about it.

Op I’m older and came from a modest
upbringing. We had 3 kids and 2 adults in 3
bedrooms. I shared a room and later by choice as we got older a bed with my sis. 3 was a common # of dc and 3 families had 7/8 kids and they slept everywhere depending on the sex distribution. 4 boys in a loft at the W family. 4 girls in a loft at the G family. The H family had boys in the basement. No one thought anything of it. No one including us kids. DP always had their own room. Many of these houses (including ours) had one bathroom and no air conditioning. And these lofts were not “remodeled” they were beds and a table and clothes. This was very normal. So I say with great understanding….

while I do think siblings can share pretty
small rooms it’s not working for your blended family.

You and DH give your room to eldest DS. If you feel safe put the baby in there with cot. He’s not homicidal is he? A baby won’t touch anything and realistically a 14y.o won’t wake with a baby. He will sleep thru. Of course only if you think it’s safe.

You and DH sleep in main floor room. Don’t say it’s not possible becuse it is. It’s a room and you can buy a sleeper couch or even put a bed there. It’s not pretty it’s not home decor but it’s workable.

the pod idea outside is interesting even as a get away for boys.

what about DGP? Any chance someone could live with DGP?

Don’t ignore his (not meaning to be dramatic) cry for help. He’s acting out and
needs adult intervention.

Not sure why you quoted me when I already acknowledged both points but ok... Yes a higher standard because yelling at, swearing at and pushing younger siblings into doorframes is unacceptable behavior regardless of how many bedrooms you have in your home. He needs to treat his siblings with respect and not swear at or shove people. I also said that the room situation was far less than ideal, and he needs support because he's been put in a very unfair situation by the adults, and if he gets the care and support he needs then hopefully he won't feel so bad that he acts out so horribly towards his siblings.

It wasn't appropriate when the step children were only visiting EOW either though. How did you get in a situation to live with a man who wasn't housing his children appropriately on access visits and then why add another child to the mix. This is not the step children's fault, its the feckless adults.

It’s her fault as much as her partners. She chose him to be the father of her kid knowing he had 3 other kids.

Why are you and your DP not on a sofabed??

It's not your fault but why did your OH have 4 kids? He's obviously a crap provider. Can you and little one move out?

How? she can’t kick him out. As she’s got no legal basis to do that. She can leave but her DP is still going to have parental responsibility for her DS, and no one is going to stop him seeing her DS just because the 14 year old is fighting with his other siblings. So he will still be around them, just without OP there. And let’s not ignore that she would also be making herself homeless. If they can’t afford somewhere bigger between them, where she going to go? The council? They might provide temporary accommodation. She can live in a hotel room with her DS for a few years while she waits for a council property? So it’s not just a case of her ‘just’ doing anything, when the options are potentially worse, depending on her finances. Or she can work with her DP to manage the shit situation