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Original poster

To think DH is selfish for not helping a day before the hike

141 replies

Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 09:26

OK please tell me if I have a genuine grievance here or if its pms rage at play.

My DH does a long hike with friends every year. The event is on today. He's usually gone 6am -7pm between the hike and a few pints with friends afterwards.
It involves me and our kids getting up at 5am to drop him to the starting point as he wants to have a drink afterwards. Then the next day he's usually wrote off as he is stiff/tired/hungover. It's Kind of annoying but I don't usually mind it's once a year and he enjoys it.
However this year he has really annoyed me.
My DH was off all week including yday, but I was working all day 7 - 3pm yday. After DH did the school run he went to the gym but then just came home and went back to bed (he told me this). He had the car so could have went to shops/pharmacy to get the things he needed for the hike but instead he decided to go for a nap and ask me to stop at the shops on my way home instead. So I had a busy day in work, then collect twin DS (6) from school, drag them round the shops to get the things DH needed, then feed the kids before taking them back out for swimming lesspns. DH had emptied dishwasher cooked dinner and did some laundry but house was itherwise not tidied (not a huge mess but like curtains not fully opened, counters not wiped down, toys on floor etc.) So I had to do that after I got back. At that point I was wrecked and just wanted an hour to myself upstairs, DH had went for a bath while I was cleaning so when he came down I said to him to entertain the boys so I could get an hour to myself but instead he fell asleep on couch so the boys were up to me within 10 mins. I confronted DH but he said he can't help being tired then announced he was going to bed leaving me to do bedtime alone.
This morning when I got us all up at 5 he kind of apologised but it was like "sorry you didn't get a rest yday" no actually taking responsibility but I left it go (or pretended to because I didn't want to ruin the day for him). Today I have a full on day with 6 year olds who have been up since 5 so are in bad form and I know tomorrow DH will be useless so I'm j7st not going to get any break this weekend. I have no family support. I know single mums do this all the time so I shouldn't complain but just feel taken for granted.

OP posts:
Topjoe19 · 09/05/2026 15:47

Why are you both so tired?

WallaceinAnderland · 09/05/2026 15:43

This is one of those threads where the OP wants someone else to change their behaviour but won't even consider changing their own behaviour.

You are doing this to yourself OP. Stop being a martyr.

Pinkissmart · 09/05/2026 15:40

Ah. The kind of neurodiverse that can’t do anything for himself but can go on an all day long social event 🙄

Vaxtable · 09/05/2026 15:36

It’s very simple you get up tomorrow, tell dh you are off out for a few hours shopping, and he’s in charge of everything and the kids, here’s a list of what needs doing and go

if he moans about being tired etc you just say so was I all last week when you did nothing

Original poster
Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 15:27

zingally · 09/05/2026 15:22

It's funny how many people are ND these days, when they don't feel like doing something...

I always ask myself, "what would they do if I wasn't here?" Short answer is, he'd either go to the shop and get the bits he wanted, or he'd go without. It doesn't have to be a drama.

I get there's give and take in relationships, and people play to their strengths. In which case, there needs to be more things that DH is doing off his own back.

And, a bit off topic, but 6yos should be more than capable for playing alone for an hour, without needing to chase mum and dad around the house.

To be fair the boys did play in their room but they came in every few mins to show me the cool costume they created or the cool lego structure they made, I just wanted an hour completely by myself after a stressful day. They always prefer/want me, so DH usually knows he needs to distract them with an activity when I'm touched out and need a break otherwise they'll be up to me straight away. Just annoyed that he didn't do that yesterday.

OP posts:
zingally · 09/05/2026 15:22

It's funny how many people are ND these days, when they don't feel like doing something...

I always ask myself, "what would they do if I wasn't here?" Short answer is, he'd either go to the shop and get the bits he wanted, or he'd go without. It doesn't have to be a drama.

I get there's give and take in relationships, and people play to their strengths. In which case, there needs to be more things that DH is doing off his own back.

And, a bit off topic, but 6yos should be more than capable for playing alone for an hour, without needing to chase mum and dad around the house.

Original poster
Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 15:13

singthing · 09/05/2026 14:41

Sounds more like the "hike" is cover comprising of a quick amble down the lane before opening time and the main event of a boozeup that incapacitates him into the next day.

No in fairness its a decent hike its just over 22 miles and over high ground so takes them about 8 hours.

OP posts:
singthing · 09/05/2026 14:41

Sounds more like the "hike" is cover comprising of a quick amble down the lane before opening time and the main event of a boozeup that incapacitates him into the next day.

Original poster
Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 14:23

rwalker · 09/05/2026 10:35

Sorry but this is in you he could of got the stuff from the shop himself and you should of woken him up at teatime I totally get people fall to sleep but walked him up he could of taken the kids to the shop with him

I get the impression you enable a lot of his behaviour and in all honesty why would I do something when someone else will do it for you

I mean I know my mum for example would do things for me if she lived nearby but just because she would do it doesn't mean I would ask her all the time, I feel like I think about his feelings and about making things easy for him but he doesn't think that way about me.

OP posts:
Aabbcc1235 · 09/05/2026 11:29

I don’t think that you’re actually cross with him, I think you’re cross with everything landing on your shoulders and not getting a break because he isn’t pulling his weight.

Spend today texting some old friends (or family or mum friends or your favourite colleagues etc) and get a long weekend away without kids somewhere nice in the diary over the next couple of months.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/05/2026 11:16

WildGarden · 09/05/2026 11:14

Can't cope with the shops.
Can cope with the pub.

Funny that.

Too tired to stay awake after the school run. Not too tired for a day long hike.

He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he’s getting away with it.

WildGarden · 09/05/2026 11:14

Can't cope with the shops.
Can cope with the pub.

Funny that.

Bestfootforward11 · 09/05/2026 11:11

Tell him next weekend he needs to be up at 5am with the kids on Saturday to drop you off at a nice hotel and you’ll be back Sunday evening.

FatCatPyjamas · 09/05/2026 10:50

Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 09:32

Yeah I know I kind of did it myself but he is ND so I know shops can be difficult for him so usually I don't mind doing it, if he helps me out when I need it but in this case he didnt

Show quote history

Lots of ND people don't have a partner to go to the shops for them. I don't.

With a bit of advance warning and planning, I'm sure he'd have managed it just fine.

I think you need to push back a bit, here. He could have helped in many ways and chose not to.

ArtAngel · 09/05/2026 10:45

YANBU

He has acknowledged that you didn’t get a rest yesterday, so let him have his weekend this weekend, and let him know he owes you next weekend!

5foot5 · 09/05/2026 10:43

Can you arrange a weekend away for yourself soon and leave him to look after everything and everyone while you are away? Don't make it easy for him by planning, shopping and prepping meals in advance, that's down to him. As is planning any outings or entertainments for the weekend. Oh and can he drop you at the station and pick you up when you get back?

Also, give him due warning that he should make other arrangements for next year as you are so over getting up at 5ambwith two young kids to ferry him about

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/05/2026 10:39

He sounds pathetic but you’re the one letting him get away with it so either accept this rubbish dynamic and stop fighting it or stop mothering him.

Shedmistress · 09/05/2026 10:36

This feels like you are continually punching yourself in the arm and asking MN why you have bruises.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 09/05/2026 10:35

Why do you have to drop him off? Surely he can get a taxi or request a lift.

rwalker · 09/05/2026 10:35

Sorry but this is in you he could of got the stuff from the shop himself and you should of woken him up at teatime I totally get people fall to sleep but walked him up he could of taken the kids to the shop with him

I get the impression you enable a lot of his behaviour and in all honesty why would I do something when someone else will do it for you

Jellybunny98 · 09/05/2026 10:33

thecomedyofterrors · 09/05/2026 10:11

You lost me when he asked you to go to the shops with the children after work, AND YOU DID. “No. Sorry, I can’t do that. And since you’re off, could you do the swimming trip this week please? And bedtime?”

When he gave a half-hearted apology this morning, the obvious response was, “ Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’re well rested now. I am exhausted from work and doing everything while you rested though, and today will be the same. So I’ve booked a spa day/shopping day/ coffee morning/all-day outing for myself/with a friend tomorrow. I’m sure you won’t mind since you’re well recharged. Enjoy the hike!”

Yes, he’s lazy and ignorant. But you married him and have seen him behave like this. So have agency, stop enabling him and take back control of your own life and health.

Couldn’t have put it better myself!

He can ask for whatever he wants, you can and should say no if it doesn’t work for you.

howshouldibehave · 09/05/2026 10:30

thecomedyofterrors · 09/05/2026 10:11

You lost me when he asked you to go to the shops with the children after work, AND YOU DID. “No. Sorry, I can’t do that. And since you’re off, could you do the swimming trip this week please? And bedtime?”

When he gave a half-hearted apology this morning, the obvious response was, “ Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’re well rested now. I am exhausted from work and doing everything while you rested though, and today will be the same. So I’ve booked a spa day/shopping day/ coffee morning/all-day outing for myself/with a friend tomorrow. I’m sure you won’t mind since you’re well recharged. Enjoy the hike!”

Yes, he’s lazy and ignorant. But you married him and have seen him behave like this. So have agency, stop enabling him and take back control of your own life and health.

Well said, I agree with all of this!

GoldMoon · 09/05/2026 10:16

Go away next weekend and leave him at home to do it all .

Londonmummy66 · 09/05/2026 10:14

I'd book spa day for sunday and go and sleep on a lounger whilst he deals with the DC and the hangover.....

ERthree · 09/05/2026 10:13

Plasticflowerduck · 09/05/2026 09:32

Yeah I know I kind of did it myself but he is ND so I know shops can be difficult for him so usually I don't mind doing it, if he helps me out when I need it but in this case he didnt

Show quote history

Stop making excuses for him. ND is not a reason to get others to run after you, if he can sit in a pub for hours he can bloody well enter a shop. You are making your life difficult for yourself. He is a grown man so make him be one.