To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

I was having a glass of wine in the garden yesterday after work when Ds walked through the side gate and gave me a lecture about the negative affects of alcohol which turned into how good he feels without it in his life

Fuck that shit. I'd be banning the rude little oik from my house and phoning him in a month to tell him how much his Father's mental health had improved without his consistent moaning and how good he feels without it in his life.

I was going to say it sounds like he’s discovered the sky is blue and is ultra keen to let everyone know about his amazing discovery, but the bit about motivational speakers struck me.

It might be worth asking who these speakers are and finding out how much he’s spending on them. Some of these motivation/wellness coaches run halfway between cults and pyramid schemes, and are really bad news. They work hard to turn the people who come to them for advice into zealots so that they can drain as much money from them as possible.

You’ve had some good advice on here about how to approach a conversation on how he’s treating everyone but some gentle enquiries on who his gurus are and what he’s paying them would be a good idea to make sure he isn’t being taken advantage of.

Hoping I am way off base, but is he a healthy weight OP. From this post he sounds unhealthily obsessed with exercise. This is how eating disorders often start in males. He may need some support.

When he turns up early and asks why you're still in bed, tell him he's interrupting your Saturday morning sex sessions and that it's great exercise for dad as he builds up a great sweat.

He's bang out of order.

We've had intermittent bursts of this behaviour but not to the extent of being obsessed and thinking they know everything. We've been told off for getting scammed (not our fault) and that we're stupid, for how we drive, what we eat blah blah blah - it used to cause arguments until we sussed out what it was and acted on it.

What happens when he gets out of his depth with anything - 'overwhelm' I think it's called - who does he turn to when he needs a listening ear?

When we receive criticism we say for example - do we tell you what to eat, do we tell you what to do in your spare time, do we tell you what time to go to bed & get up? You have to say it with a smile so as not confrontational. When the next line follows about 'why' you should be doing whatever it is, the response is - you know when we were your age we were doing (whatever you were doing), we weren't born at this age, we've lived our lives doing (whatever) long before you came along. The best one is 'do you know that I taught you to eat with a spoon' 😂😂 and that list is endless. You have to learn to disarm them in a nice way and end up laughing about it. When DD has a problem she knows exactly where she'll be listened to, who will unpick the problem and work out options, then she'll go think about it all and make a decision. It's so rewarding, and she learns the process to put in her toolbox.

My middle brother was just like this with my parents. So judgemental and smug. Not lovely at all. He was overweight as a child and then took up running and became very boring in the process but hey he looked fit.

In that case, either leave the key in the door, turned slightly so it can't be pushed out from the other side, ask for the key back, or get a door chain & leave it on!

I’d recommend the OP read The Motion of the Body Through Space by Lionel Shriver, it’s fiction and skewers the cult of fitness and self improvement nicely.

Excellent advice, especially the last paragraph.

That generation are so entitled and judgemental! I’ve one the exact same age and I’m sick of the snide comments. They make the same comments about their in-laws as well and I hate it. I’ve started answering back. They think we’re stupid and that they’ve got it all figured out, while simultaneously wanting to be up our arses still!

Spot on. I have a DS26. If he turned up at ours and carried on like this I would have very firm words with him,

Nope. A lot of fat shamers on this thread. No one has mentioned this but skinny is so un attractive. Especially in your 50s give me a chubby guy any day! And the extra meat definitely looks more healthy IMO

‘This isn’t your home & you’re a guest in mine. Please behave accordingly’
Might help remind him of the dynamic

You’ve said your DS said “is trying to help” . Is there a reason he feels need to help ? If not then it’s really not his business how you live your lives .

All those saying he has a point and he’s worried about his dad

what about his gran? Is it at all reasonable for him to be going on at her with his evangelical views? Should she be doing more exercise and eat healthier because he’s worried. I’m surprised at 80 she hasn’t told him to do one tbh

My thoughts entirely. A lot of people saying being fat and unfit he'll die young or have no life, if someone younger came on here and said they were obese and I said the same about them there would be uproar. Everyone gets to live their life as they see fit, their DS has no right to lecture them, that's not concern, that's thinking you know better and everyone should do as they say.
It sounds like he's totally focused on being a self help guru but that only works if people want your advice, nothing turns people away from an idea, even a good one, more than being sanctimonious and pushy

Come down all flushed and messy-haired and tell him he's interrupted sex. That should hopefully put a stop to it!

Ah yes, the Prince lion challenging the Lion King phase. Such fun. 🤨

We’re at the tail end of it.

Thank god for his girlfriend, she keeps him nicely distracted away from the Extra Large Feline Hierarchical Nitpicking.

I had a come down like a ton of bricks on him a few times earlier on in the phase though.

.....sitting in front of the tv all the time

Where does op say 'all the time'?

A lot of people on this thread are nearly as annoying as the ds, making assumptions about op and dh's lifestyles and dictating what they should do.

These were my thoughts.

I voted YABU simply because I can't comprehend how you give your son so much leeway that he can come into your home and be so disrespectful to the extent your DH is now having low self esteem instead of nipping it in the bud like adults and parents once and for all.

I agree that your son is being intrusive, but you sound like you’ve given up on your husband already. You talk about a 55 year old like he’s 80 and there’s no point expecting him to look after his health.

It sounds like your son is very concerned about his dad being overweight and sitting in front of the tv all the time, but there are ways of expressing that without offending his dad.

Manosphere is what comes to mind

Although at 55 it’s not too late to do some form of exercise, I’m 70 & go to the gym 3days per week , I’m trying to stave off arthritis & try & get stronger xx

Good grief, I’d be telling him to shut up and shut up again. Loudly. Who does he think he is and why on earth aren’t you and your husband giving him a massive bollocking about his behaviour!