To tell son it’s too much and affecting his dad’s self esteem.

I wouldn’t do a big talk about everything at first but I would send a message say “please don’t drop in before ten as you know we like a lay in “ and when he starts moaning about diet etc say firmly “ we appreciate your concern but we are very capable of making our own decisions as you are yours so please drop it” if he doesn’t ask him to leave.
Then arrange a meeting and be clear this behaviour can not continue.

He'd be told to piss off and mind his own business in this house. Sanctimonious little twerp.

Think you need to get your key back, too.

Why do so many on MN pussyfoot around their rude, entitled adult children? Tell him to shut up and piss off out on his bike if your life choices bother him so much.

There is an easy solution to that. Take it off him, or change the lock. He’s may think it’s still his home, you need to let him know it’s not. I assume you don’t let yourself into his house without permission even if you have a key? Point that out to him.

Put a bolt on the inside of the door and tell him you won't be answering before x time. That way he keeps the key for the times when you need him to have it. Tell him to text in advance and ask if it's convenient to come round. Once a young adult has moved out on a (semi) permanent basis, they don't have right of access to the family home at all times, unless you want them to. Also explain that adults make their own decisions about their health and fitness and nagging never helps.

@myfairladies is your husband worried your son won't "like you both" if you say something to him ? I don't understand the quietly seething.

Before telling your son to shut up and mind his business etc try having a non confrontation chat first. Sounds your son maybe has health fears, which can sometimes be a mask to avoid thinking about other fears. He may also be worried about loosing his Dad. I think it maybe worth trying to work around a discussion on this and see if the.re underlying worries.

Well take the key off him then. This isn't hard op! Tell him loud and clear that he is abusing the key and you are taking it off him.

And while I agree with others about letting your DH fight his own battles, if it gets to an actual argument, this is when you step in and say "actually, Fred, it isn't about being correct, it's about having respect for other people, and you're being very rude".

Take his key off him and tell him he can have it backs when he behaves himself. I'm not one for banging on about respect but he does need to respect you in your own home. He sounds like a dickhead.

Had DH told him to "Get out"?

Literally all of this.

Stop indulging him and his extremely bad manners.

You have an unusual definition of "lovely"...

To add, imagine what sort of a partner he’s going to be.

I can only second this. Maybe the son is worried for his dad’s health and wants him to be around for a long time, which is quite nice really. Admittedly he isn’t going about it in the best way, but it might come from a good place.

Take the bloody key off him, he’s left home. He’s being rude and offensive if your dh doesn’t want to make any changes that’s on him only a person who’s ready for change will take steps. If he’s so concerned about his dads longevity perhaps tell him to be nice just incase he suddenly drops dead from a lifestyle your son has deemed unhealthy.

No one ever changes through being berated if anything it makes them double down, your lovely son isn’t that lovely and is showing his lack of maturity by harping on.

No one can make your husband want to lose weight, eat healthier or exercise...he has to want to do this for himself. Your son is wasting his breath, and is doing nothing other than antagonising his Dad. He's made his point, it's time to back off.

I suspect your son is concerned that his Dad isn't going to live a long life, if he doesn't start to sort his diet out and exercise. As we reach our 50's time starts to catch up with our bodies, and it becomes extremely important to eat healthy and exercise (light weights are excellent). However, your son can't force his Dad to do this!

I think it's time to set some boundaries. If your son wants to visit, then he asks the day before and an acceptable time to agreed. Yes, the house is your son's family home, but it's not where he lives any longer, so rooting through the fridge/cupboards is not something he should be doing. How would he feel if you decided to visit him unannounced at 11 pm and start rooting through his fridge, whilst criticising his choice of food and asking him why he's going to bed?! If he opens his mouth to criticise, then you say 'Stop. You don't get to come into our home, and treat us like naughty children. If you carry on, you will be asked to leave'.

My brother in law is exactly like this, I can’t stand him.

It's nothing to do with whether or not the son cares about his dad's health or who is right. It needs to be pointed out to him that all he is doing is damaging his relationship with his dad and that his dad dreads him coming. His dad is a grown adult and can do what he likes. If the son doesn't accept that and can't be around him without criticising then he won't be welcome. If he tries arguing about why he's doing it, cut him off with "I'm sorry, but you're not listening. We don't care to argue about this. If you don't like your dad, don't come".

Tell him if you want his opinion you’ll ask!! Bolt the door. Tell him to ring first before to see if you are available.

Remind him you are both adults and can do whatever you want. He doesn’t have to like it but you don’t care.

Or, turn up at his house at midnight. Ask why he’s in bed so early. Complain about his decor, his boring food in the fridge. His awful clothes. See how he likes it.

I was just going to say what @houseofvelvet said!

Even if your DS’s intentions are good, he’s going about it in completely the wrong way. Constant nagging and criticism like this would really get my back up. What gives him the right to be the Fridge Police?

I would also be having a strong word with him about coming round early on a Saturday and criticizing his middle-aged parents for having a lie-in; that’s ridiculous. Put a bolt on the door and disconnect the doorbell. Or move house 😉

Put a chain on the front door.

At 55 my DH had two children in primary school, I was 50. We loved it but we didn't do lie ins or much TV either.

Take the key off him. Tell him to mind his own business. Judgemental little shit

By all means have a word with DS, reiterate he is rude and you are allowed to have a lie in as many people do.

On other aspects, maybe a middle ground can be reached?

DS’s bugging absolutely sounds excessive and not useful. But on the other hand, i also find it incredibly fustrating when my parents/in laws etc have failing health because they don’t look after themsevles and maybe he has a legitimate concern here.

No one needs to throw away the tv, but maybe take some of his points on board. DH’s health is only going to get worse otherwise.

He’s far from ‘lovely’ treating his Dad like that! We have a 23 year old son who wouldn’t dream of speaking to his Dad in such a disrespectful, judgey way! And if he tried (he wouldn’t!), he would be told in no uncertain terms to button it!