7am and DH arguing with me already

Based on what I see on MN, many women set their standards so low with partner choices.

I get it. We think that annoying controlling behaviour is acceptable because we love someone and that we can handle it, even maybe change it.

One day we will wake up and realise we don't need a controlling partner, those initial concerns about controlling behaviour will be all that is left of our relationship when we hit middle age.

I'm sorry you are in this relationship, you deserve better.

@Dogstar78 explains it well Alice.

That is quite a jump from bedroom renovation to marriage issues.

Well as usual, the argument isn't about what the argument is about. The real issues are far deeper. He makes you feel insecure, he doubts your marriage, he deliberately arranges appointments to fuck with your day and stop you having your life.

The bedroom renovations are a symptom. Look at the cause.

I get you. My partner can be a bit like sometimes. It is normally when he is stressed about something and he says silly things. I read something recently about people that have childhood issues or difficulties thry haven't dealt with. When they get stressed basically this inner child comes out. The 'you've ruined my day etc'. In my case we are talking about a man with a very senior job in a global company. I just cometely ignore it, then he normally realises he has been a dick and apologises.

He can be the micro-manager. Again, I literally just ignore him or engage superficially. In both cases my behaviour change indicate to him he is going there. Rather than me pointing it out then leading to an argument.

With the bedrooms. Don't disagree, by saying we are not spending all that money. Say, yes I think they could do with sprucing up. I have seen some similar things or have some other ideas. Shall we take a look? If you were excited about something and he replied like that, you'd be a bit annoyed. I also get when you are at your mental load and they make their thing the priority!! Argh!!! He should stay home for the builder but I would rather recieve the builder and have a day to myself!

I have started saying my piece more instead of agreeing for an easy life. You'll find this behaviour will improve. I know all these people on mumsnet have these wonderful husbands and don't argue etc. People can be dicks, I am probably really annoying and we don't live together in perfect harmony.

Go back up and say shall we start our day again?

You are both over stretched and operating separately.

This is very common in relationships with children.

You need to make an agreement to be very calm before you make these decisions and discuss it within a warm and positive house meeting, the two of you. With the understanding that you’ll both listen to each others points and there may not be a final decision.

you need to understand hyperbole and how arguments escalate and try to avoid this - relate has some good resources. Only then will any discussion not spiral into drama

for yourself, just work on very calm non dramatic phrases. Look up how to be assertive rather than passive agressive or agressive. It’s actually quite a tricky skill to learn.

I don’t put up with him Alice. When he starts he becomes background noise. He’s still doing it so I haven’t trained him, nor do I think of him like an animal. I overreact to some things, which he knows and accepts. None of us is perfect.

I agree.
Also why waste £25,000 on a house when the marriage looks like it won’t last much longer.
Both of you are unhappy.

After your update about how your DH organises your day off, compared to how he spends his weekends, it’s pretty clear he does treat you as staff. And I would be absolutely pissed off if DH started hectoring me at 7am.
Sounds pretty miserable TBH. It’s extremely stressful to live under the sort of emotional blackmail he’s been throwing at you. No wonder you’re feeling burned out. It’s no way to live.

Barcelonna why do you and so many other women on MN like OP put up with these men?
You make jokes about it and say how you deal/train them with their behaviour like they are an animal. I just don't understand why waste your one life with such idiots?

But we don’t know what the husband’s take on this is. Is he frustrated by lack of input into change?
Perhaps you do need to divorce, neither of you sounds happy.

Who spends £25k decorating bedrooms in a new build? madness

If my DH tried to organise jobs for me on my day off and I had made other plans I’d simply say
no, im not free to do it. What would happen if you just said no OP? Anger I suspect?
If it’s an ongoing problem I’d also raise it with him telling him never to assume I am available for something he needs on my days off and he has to explicitly ask in advance. If he ignored that I would just say no in principle: ‘Ive told you not to organise my time on my days off, you didn’t ask me beforehand before you organised it so no, and I’ll keep saying no till you understand my time is not yours to organise’.

Most "home improvements" don't add value, despite all the TV makeover shows that say they do. They are only worthwhile if they improve your quality of life. If you are thinking of selling, don't do anything- the new owner will probably want to change it anyway!

I’d be telling him to fuck right off and enjoy your day the way you wanted to. If he pulls the ‘I don’t know if I want to stay married’ I’d reply with ‘thank god, me either’

this sounds such a horrible, on a knife edge, way to live.

You are expected to cook ‘lavish meals’. What are lavish meals. If you work full time from the start, your husband has no choice but to do half of everything else. It is a proper partnership.
will you return to work full time after you have completed your course? Will there be a sense of being in it together and taking an equal role when planning the future or do you just vaguely hope things will change?

Well Violet Elizabeth Bott is so determined to have his own way he’ll keep pushing the point and say whatever unkind thought comes into his head including “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Pah! He feels embarrassed that he’ll have to cancel the workman or turn down the quotation. It’s male pride and ego.
Don't take him so seriously. I have one like this, have learned to ignore his tantrums. Later he admits it’s all talk.
Ultimately put your foot down. Stonewall him. He’ll have to accept this is a joint home, with joint decisions and he needs you for a joint future. He knows this but is blustering.
Be polite to the workman, if he turns up, then get on with having the day you want.

He looks at you and sees a door mat he can wipe his feet on.
You are, in his view, an underling who does as she's told, runs the household and provides sex.
Your life and ideas / choices don't appear to matter to him.
These are lousy life lessons for your kids to learn, because they think it's normal and the then it may well repeat itself in their lives.

You say he threatens to leave if you stand up for what you want, OP. I think he's a bully, and I recognise the type because my ex was like that. One day I got so sick of it I took him up on his kind offer to leave, and we split up.
I understand that you don't want to feel vulnerable, but honestly he is the one making you feel vulnerable. Now that you have qualifications, you can get a higher paying job and be happy. He seems to be the source of most of your unhappiness.

All I will add is that it felt incredible once me and ex split up. There was a period of adjustment of course but I was so very very happy without him.

But you weren’t asleep - you were watching TV in bed!

This.

But don't let it spoil your day!

that sounds like such a lot of money - if you’re prepared to go along with the wooden floors, I’d be wanting a couple of other people to come in and quote for the job to check the price. Seriously, we had builders in for six weeks before Christmas and it didn’t cost us that much

There are so many things to unpick in this situation. The dynamic of your relationship sounds off and you don’t seem happy. Your partner is making decisions about your time and money without discussing it. You seem to fear voicing and opinion, and also assume his thoughts towards you are negative. You sound stressed and tired, and going along with things to keep the peace. This flooring thing just seems like the catalyst for you to examine how you’re really feeling about our life and relationship. Are you waiting for him to threaten to end things again so that you can agree it this time?

It a bit extreme to say the whole day is ruined - it the day didn’t start off as you’d expected, but the whole day isn’t ruined. But it’s easy to feel like that when you’re tired and stressed out. Make yourself a cuppa and sit and drink it quietly. Grab some moments to have the rest you need, and then maybe start to think about how you feel about life going forwards

What time were you planning on shopping if you’re doing coursework first? Why can’t you do coursework this morning til 12, meet the workman (if he’s still coming) and then go shopping after? I wouldn’t let it ruin my day if I had plans.

Ruined your day is a bit OTT. Just let the workman come, do his thing, discuss it later when you have the quote/plans. You escalated this petty crap for no reason.

Have you built up a healthy pension or any kind of pension in the last twenty five years? Will you work full time once you have achieved your qualification? The job market is tough out there. Having said that I worked full time ( teacher) until mid sixties, then part time and I still work very part time in my mid seventies along with three days of grandchildren care. I don’t have the luxury of being ‘burnt out’ after decades of part time work.