7am and DH arguing with me already

Is he trying to sabotage your study or something? I also wonder what he would do if you just said 'no. Noone ever died of a tantrum - so let him tantrum and make childish threats. Days off are so important and I know what you mean, when you have had a good productive day planned and someone pisses you off, it kind of ruins the mood somewhat.

I'd be using that money that he wants to spend on a divorce.

DH used to LOVE to fill my days off with little tasks and appointments, like booking an engineer or handyman "since you'll be here". Now I don't tell him if I'm taking a rare day off to decompress (well, I intend to, but we do I usually end up saying something the night before).

Usually when there're arguments there is issues on both sides but people on here are running with it all being his fault and the op is perfect, I have no idea who is right or wrong or what inbetweeen but this posting all one sided

We only know the op version of all this

How on earth do you spend £25k rennovating two bedrooms in a new build?

I have just spruced up two bedrooms - new carpet, repaint, new blinds, framed and hung some pictures and it came in at just under £2k. TBF I did the painting and picture hanging myself.

Missing the point a bit - if they’re just coming to look at the job, you have time to study, talk to them in the bedroom for 15 minutes, then go shopping. It hasn’t ruined your day.

Your controlling, bullying husband is ruining your mental health though. I do agree with other posters that you dont seem to be communicating well either him regarding your plans and feelings for the house and its future. But also - he sounds like an unpleasant person to be married to.

If my DH organised workmen to come round on my day off without discussing it with me he'd get it both barrels and I would not be answering the door to them. Its not a mistake either is it, sounds like he makes a habit of sabotaging any spare time you have to yourself. He sounds like a nasty arsehole.

And next time he threatens to leave tell him where the door is. Either he will change his mind or you will be better off.

He sounds awful. I had an ex who I wasn't married too (luckily). He told me one day, after a huge row, if he really loved me, he'd have married me by now. I think he was abusive in many ways and this was a way he could try and control me. At that point I thought I needed to change, and I was the one saying sorry etc. But over the next year, I started seeing things differently. I saw his behaviour wasn't right, and was abusive (this is a snipet of a much bigger story). I left him. Best decision of my entire life. Your h thinks the threat of him leaving will keep in you in line, as did my ex. I needed to work harder to make him love me. Twats, that's what they are.

You have two part-time jobs and you are studying and you have caring responsbilities.

Why the fuck are you - as a couple - having reflooring done? You - as a couple - don't need it. It's a waste of money and more important it's a waste of your own precious energy.

He does this quite a lot.

Your husband is a bully and you are exhausting yourself trying to placate him.

You sound like the OP’s DH.

Adults don’t need their day organised for them and the whole point of a day off is that you get to do what you want, when you went, not have someone scheduling it for you. Of course the OP could do that but she doesn’t want to. From the sound of it this is not an isolated occurrence and the DH enjoys his own days off without any similar encumbrances.

OP your husband is subtly bullying you. He has trained you to not disagree with him by threatening divorce. He stands over you to ruin your day off. He organises your time. He makes plans without consultation and expects you to just go along with them.

Stop putting up with this shit. You deserve better. I think you might benefit from some therapy to start to change this dynamic (not couples counselling but individual therapy). But if it doesn’t change soon do you really want this to be the rest of your life. I can’t see this man ever letting you leave this house or move to another part of the country. Think about what YOU really want for once and see if he is prepared to fall in line or resort to threats and undermining you.

I think you need to start pushing back more and saying no. If he organises people to come over on your day off then tell him that's a shame because you're going out.

Him filling your day off up is a control thing and it sounds like he has control issues in general.

I'd also be telling him the next time he uses the not wanting to be married card because you're not doing as your told. You'll be taking him up on it.

My ex was like this: I'd get up every morning and he living room would be a fucking pigsty in spite of my tidying it the day before.

I used to get up really early in the hope of having an hour to come round with a few coffees in peace before getting ready for work.
It would be a barrage of bullshit before I even opened my eyes.
Fucking unbearable.

When I eventually left ( no children, thankfully) the obnoxious messy git, I really savoured getting up to a tidy room and being able to enjoy a few coffees in peace.

If you can't enjoy the simple pleasures, why be with them?
Sometimes life is tough and little pleasures are all we've got!

On this basis, I'd say leave the bustard. Especially now your children have grown up and there's no good reason to endure it for their sake.

Btw we are are half way through getting wooden floors (well laminate, far more durable) and the cost for both is under £5k

Good contribution, you’ve successfully proven that you’re exceedingly hard working and the op is a part time light weight with no pension plans 🙄

Yanbu at all

I don’t quite get why the workmen are coming (what is a workman, someone to come and do a quote or is someone actually coming to fit the new floor) if you haven’t agreed. If you haven’t and he has arranged them anyway then he is totally out of line

I think you have too much on your plate. Your dh being one of them.

@Jk987
Where does it say the OP has a two year old? She says her youngest is just going to university. Quite an advanced two year old!

Completely agree.

On his weekends off my DH will be on the sofa watching sport for most of it.

On my day(s) off I am expected to do chores, deal with workmen and cook lavish meals. @NeverGetADayOff

Op he doesn't respect you as an equal.

Stop doing laish meals on your days off.

Don't tell him when you have a day off.

I mean, it's not really a day off if you're still parenting and studying is it so it won't be untrue.

Hmm you do seem to be quite dramatic , with your OMGs and you've ruined my day comments, it's a bit much. Your two jobs plus study equates to most people's work/commute time with a few hours study on top, you don't have young children, so burn out seems a bit of a stretch.
If you were going to study then go into town later and the builder is due at 12 surely that works? Study this morning see the builder then go into town. Once you have a quote you can discuss if you think it's worth it for the work or not.

this. If he wants a workman over, he has to be there unless you and he agree that the workman is needed and you agree to be responsible for it including booking a time to suit you. I know material and tradesman prices have rocketed but 25k to put a wood floor in one room???????on what planet?

That's good that you deal with it in a positive way. I was referring to some MNers who say "I've got him trained" - doesn't mean they think of their h as an animal but training good behaviour like one would an animal.
But I do wonder why women like, OP for example, put up with it, nasty behaviour, bullying and the rest of it. Then, worse still, make excuses for it and bleat on here how awful their h /p is but knock back suggestions for leaving said person.

This!
He's keeping you wrong footed, so you can never relax. You daren't tell him what you think when you disagree with him in case he threatens to leave.
You are working two jobs and studying, and this is the day he organised a workman to come round -and buggers off to let you deal with it! He's absolutely doing it on purpose, he is letting you know that when he says jump, you say how high.
You will never be able to relax and have the life you want with this man.
He will always undermine you.
How are your finances sorted? Whose name is the house in? It sounds like you didn't even want to buy it in the first place.
You really need to find a day without him when you can take a breath and think about what YOU want. Is this how you see the rest of your life? Who can you talk to about this? Anyone in your family?

Can you tell him your day off is sacrosanct and anything he wants doing is to be done on his day off or he’s to us AL? There’s no way I’d tolerate this, unless eg my DH’s car broke down and I was waiting in for the AA which I did one day.

Scrap the house reno unless the floors need it and are in a mess.
Decide what to do with this relationship which he manipulates when you disagree and why bother living somewhere you do not like.
His threat of divorce did you glaze over it or pander?
Kids are off, why arent you!
F this.

You are trying to do too much. Your lives are needlessly stressful. Have I read it right that you have a 2 year old aswell as a late teen going to Uni? Slow down, breathe, treasure this time with your kids. Delay the studying a bit.
I totally agree about not spending £25k on the house. Spend it on a few amazing holidays.
Don’t let DH ruin your day today, take a walk, forget the chores and have a rethink about how to simplify your life.